


Something That Scares Me About Love

by justyrae



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Drunk Blow Jobs, Drunken Kissing, Excessive Drinking, Insomnia, Internal Conflict, M/M, Mutual avoidance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-09-26 15:31:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 51,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9908840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyrae/pseuds/justyrae
Summary: Louis has always been fairly good at hiding things he didn't want to share. If he doesn't learn to start sharing, pretty soon he won't have anyone left to hide things from.





	1. The Feelings That We Hide

**Author's Note:**

> fair warning, this one's gonna hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to everybody i've sent bits of this fic to who encouraged me to write more (though usually it was through yelling at me so maybe i shouldn't thank any of you bc you're all the worst) (jk i love you all pls never change)
> 
> big hug to my beta J, without whom this first part would've been completely different and not in a good way.
> 
> chapter title from Drive by Halsey

**WINTER**

Louis misses touring more than he thought he would, which he certainly didn't expect. He thought the break would be a good thing, not just for himself but for all of them. He thought the time would pass by in a blur of spending time with his family and friends, discovering new things to fill his time instead of being on the road all day every day.

It doesn't take long for Louis to feel sort of empty without the comfort of his boys around him 24/7. There has to be something he can do to fill that void, something that doesn't involve the others because it isn't their fault that Louis can't seem to survive on his own.

Louis reasons with himself that spending more time with Danielle is the answer. He likes her very much, she's smart and clever and doesn't seem to mind all of his baggage. She helps him feel whole, which is exactly what he wants. She doesn't even mind when he tells her that he's not exactly ready for another proper relationship yet, not so soon after Eleanor. She simply smiles and tells him that it's a bit of a relief, given his past and what's coming so soon. Danielle's simply happy to be a part of his life, even if that means only as a friend.

It's not until after Freddie's born that Louis realizes that he has no idea how he could ever manage to feel empty again. Louis didn't think it was possible to love someone as much as he loved Freddie at first sight, so small and fragile and perfect. Everything seems right with the world as long as Freddie is in his arms.

A few days after Freddie's birth, Louis receives texts of congratulations from all the boys, partly due to the fact that he'd been ignoring his phone in favor of watching Freddie's every move so as to not miss a second of his life. He reads the ones from Niall and Harry, replying accordingly with thanks and attaching candid snaps of Freddie so they can see this perfect thing that Louis helped create. Somewhere deep inside himself there's a voice saying _see? I can do something right_.

That voice changes when Louis reads Liam's text. It curls in on itself and gives way to a feeling of longing that takes up residence inside Louis' chest and refuses to leave. For some reason Liam's text is the tipping point for Louis; it sends him down a spiral of moping and self-pity.

_**congratsssss tommoooo!!!! ur a proper dad now i cant believ it :D ur gonna be gr8 and im sure freddie already luvs u bc ur the besttttttt xxxxx** _

His heart swells and aches as he rereads it several times, far more than the ones from Niall and Harry. He misses Liam, he misses all of his boys, and now he's faced with the crushing realization that his house is too big for just one person especially when he's used to cramped or overcrowded spaces. He needs to fill the spaces, but how?

He backs out of Liam's text thread and scrolls down to his thread with Briana, but he pauses when he catches sight of the time. It's far too late to ask to see Freddie, and she'd already told him a hundred times over that Freddie wasn't staying at his house without her and she refuses to come anywhere near the property.

Louis can't blame her, but it certainly doesn't make the situation any easier.

He scrolls back up through his inbox, pausing on his thread with Danielle. She'd told him days ago that she had plans for tonight, plans she couldn't cancel without possibly compromising her career. He entertains the thought of texting her for a minute, wondering if there was any way he could convince her to leave early and come over, but quickly talks himself out of it. He doesn't want to be the kind of friend who did that. Even if they were in a proper relationship, he still wouldn't want to do that.

His only option, it seems, was to try and text Liam back.

 _ **thanks**_ , he types out and deletes.

 _ **brickin it!!!**_ he types again, only to delete the words a second later.

Louis lets his head loll back onto the couch cushion and groans. Nothing seems right, especially given everything Liam had included in his message.

_**can't believe it myself. come out and see us soon, yeah? xx** _

He presses send without giving himself another moment to overthink it and then immediately puts his phone down and heads into the kitchen to fix himself a drink. He just needs something to take the edge off of this awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. If he dulls his senses then maybe he won't miss his boys quite so fucking much.

His phone lights up with a reply from Liam a few hours later while he's sipping a second drink while watching some film with a plotline he isn't really following. His first drink has settled in his system quite nicely, giving him a gentle buzz that calms his nerves and lulls him into the sense of security he'd been missing.

_**defiantly!!! hows next week lol c u soooooon xx** _

Louis grins, the sinking feeling from earlier replaced with a swoop in his chest at the thought of Liam coming to visit so soon. As he goes to reply to the text, his finger slips and he ends up calling him instead.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Louis mumbles under his breath as he fumbles with his phone, meaning to hang up before it connected. It's fairly late in LA meaning it's absurdly early in London and Liam probably only replied to his text because he woke up for a few minutes and decided to check his phone.

"Lou?" Liam's sleepy voice carries through the phone, almost too soft for Louis to catch.

"Sorry," Louis replies as he brings the phone up to his ear, "didn't mean to do that, did I wake you up?"

"Sort of." Liam yawns loudly and Louis can't help but grin as he listens to Liam sigh. "What're you doing?"

"Watching… something. Dunno what it is, got bored of flipping through Netflix and picked something."

"Netflix rou… rou-what's the word? The spinny game with the marble."

"Roulette." Louis laughs. "The game you lost two hundred pounds in last time we went to Vegas."

"You told me red was a good bet," Liam protests. "I believed you."

"You were pissed off of four whiskeys, you would've believed anyone."

Liam groans and Louis' grin grows bigger at the familiar sound. If he closes his eyes, he can probably pretend like they were back in some random hotel room on tour after a long night.

"Everything okay, Lou?"

"Yeah, 'course it is." Louis fakes a smile even though Liam is thousands of miles away and can't see it. It lasts for maybe ten seconds before the corners of Louis' mouth drop back down into a frown, but he keeps his voice light to ward off any further suspicion. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"I didn't mean it like that," Liam replies and Louis' frown digs deeper into his face. "I just meant… like, it's alright to be lonely."

"'m not lonely," Louis says, on instinct. "Just 'cause I'm alone doesn't mean I'm lonely."

"Okay," Liam says, his tone obviously trying to placate Louis and Louis has never liked that tone. "It's just… well, I miss you, Lou. I miss all the lads. It's weird, innit?"

Louis shuts his eyes and inhales deeply through his nose, tilting the phone down past his chin so Liam can't hear. They weren't supposed to talk about this; Liam wasn't supposed to say what Louis was thinking, feel what Louis was feeling. Maybe after a few months, six at least, a year would be better. Definitely not two months into the break. Louis is never going to make it through if they actually talk about it.

"Half the time I feel like I'm forgetting to be somewhere," Liam says with a low chuckle. "It's like the first week of summer holiday all over again. Keep thinking I've still got homework, or something."

"Yeah," Louis forces himself to reply, even though his voice comes out strained and unnatural. Louis knew from the moment he spoke that Liam would know something was wrong, that Louis had lied, so he quickly wracks his brain to come up with a plausible excuse.

"You sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, just," Louis clears his throat loudly. "Swallowed wrong or something." He clears his throat again to make a point, and also to cut off anything that Liam might've been trying to say. "Anyway, you should get back to sleep, yeah? It's late."

"Yeah, you're--" Liam pauses as a yawn cut him off mid-sentence. "You're probably right."

"Of course I am." Louis starts smiling again as they slip into a familiar pattern of conversation. "'m always right."

"Sure you are, Tommo." Liam's sleepy smile was evident in his voice and if Louis closes his eyes he could probably picture it. He makes sure to keep his eyes open.

"Alright, go on, then. Don't fall asleep with the phone on, you'll wake up with it stuck to your face."

"You'd never let me forget it," Liam says, sounding sleepier by the second. "You'd call me Phone Face or something."

"I'd come up with something better than _Phone Face_ , Liam. Honestly." Louis pauses for a moment as he tries to think of something cleverer than that, but nothing immediately comes to mind and Louis quickly gives up. Liam probably won't remember this conversation anyway.

"'m sure you would." Liam hums. "Good night, Lou."

Louis deflates a little, feeling too fond to keep his guard up. "Night, Li."

After the line goes dead Louis sets his phone aside and reaches for his half-empty glass, swirling the contents around before he brings the glass up to his mouth and drinks the rest in one gulp. Louis winces at the taste but swallows it nevertheless before getting to his feet and starting to walk towards the kitchen, leaving the TV on with the film still going on at a low volume.

Louis sets the glass down on the counter and pauses with his hand outstretched towards the bottle he'd been pouring from. It's not yet ten o'clock but there's a voice in the back of Louis' mind that's saying having a third drink is toeing the line of being a problem. Drinking alone is bad enough, Louis doesn't need to have a hangover in the morning to remind him of it. With a sharp sigh Louis picks up his glass and holds it under the tap, rinsing it out before he fills it with water and takes a sip.

It doesn't burn on the way down, but Louis grimaces even more than he had at the taste of the alcohol. He ends up only taking two more sips before he dumps the rest out down the drain, putting the glass down in the sink before he leaves the kitchen.

Louis sits back down on the couch with the intention of trying to pay attention to the film he'd started, but he can't ignore the faint buzzing under his skin. He tries telling himself that it's just the alcohol in his system making him feel that way, that it isn't anything to get worked up over. It works well enough for the time being but Louis still can't find it in himself to concentrate on the film. He ends up shutting off the TV entirely and retiring to his bedroom instead, curling up under the sheets with his face pressed down into his pillow even though he doesn't feel remotely tired.

The bed is just too big for one person, has been since he bought it. He prefers the nights where Danielle sleeps over because then he's got someone to share the space with. He wonders if the need to be close to someone is residual from being cramped in the X-Factor house all those years ago, especially when followed by the first few years of One Direction when they were all living out of each other's pockets. Louis found himself missing those days a lot during the last two tours, especially when spending nights on the bus got even more lonely.

Louis tugs one of the spare pillows away from the far side of the bed and clutches it against his chest as he pushes those memories out of his head. That's a rabbit hole he doesn't need to go down tonight, not after what he's put himself through already. Part of him wants to laugh at his ability to dredge up the worst memories at the most inopportune times; it's getting to be an art form, really.

He doesn't want to be this person. He doesn't want to be living in the past when there's so much for him in the present and future holds even more. He has to be alright.

If nothing else, he has to be alright for Freddie.

Louis sighs heavily as he shuts his eyes, making a mental note to call Briana first thing in the morning. He needs a good cuddle with his boy.

As Louis falls asleep, he doesn't think about who else holds that title.

*

Louis feels groggy when he wakes up, not having remembered falling asleep on the couch, and he panics for a moment before his eyes focus on Freddie asleep in his travel bassinet not two feet away. He didn't mean to fall asleep, not really, but Freddie always manages to make it look so appealing.

He smiles as he pulls himself off the couch and slides onto the floor, gazing down at his little sleeping form. He reaches for his phone, left on the coffee table, intending to take a couple more pictures of Freddie as he sleeps as though he doesn't have enough already. As he presses the home button to unlock his phone, he catches a glimpse of his notifications before the screen unlocks and they disappear. Louis goes about taking a couple pictures of Freddie before he goes back to investigate, and for a moment he thinks he's surely still asleep and dreaming up the number of missed calls he has.

Forty-nine. Liam called him forty-nine times while he was napping.

Louis is thankful that his phone was on silent so it didn't wake up Freddie because _forty-nine_? That's just absurd. Louis shakes his head as he opens a new text to Liam, intending to tell him just how ridiculous he is.

_**49???? get a grip mate honestly** _

**_u didnt answer!! im outside ur house dumbass_ **

"What?" Louis mumbles to himself as he rubs his eyes. Surely he didn't read Liam's text correctly.

_**right now? stalker!!** _

**_yes lol shut up tommo and let me in_ **

_**alright hang on** _

Louis huffs softly as he puts his phone back down on the coffee table before he reaches into the bassinet to pick Freddie up.

"C'mon, Fred," he whispers softly when Freddie starts to fuss a little. "That's it, lad."

Freddie settles, rubbing his face against Louis' chest as Louis situates him in his arms. Louis answers the door one-handed, cradling Freddie close to his chest as he fumbles to get the door open without disturbing him. He'll let Liam stand on the doorstep for another hour rather than risk doing anything to the precious bundle in his arms. Thankfully Liam helps by pushing the door open to let himself in once Louis has undone the latch.

"Lou," he says softly as his eyes dart back and forth between Louis and Freddie. "I would've waited til you put him down."

Louis ducks his head and his cheeks heat up. "Didn't wanna put him down."

Liam smiles widely as he steps inside, closing the door behind him as Louis takes a few steps back and curls his arms tighter around Freddie. He starts bouncing on his feet a little when Freddie makes a soft noise in his sleep, murmuring softly to him so he'll stay asleep. Louis is relieved when it works and Freddie doesn't stir further; sometimes he feels like he's just getting the hang of things and then it all changes in a day and he has to figure everything out all over again.

He looks up and sees Liam watching him with a fond smile. "What?" he asks, feeling a little bashful that someone caught him losing himself in his son.

"You're so good at that," Liam replies. "Always have been. Especially with Lux, remember?

"Lux was easy," Louis says with a laugh. "All I had to do was the opposite of what you'd do."

"Oh, c'mon, I wasn't that bad." Liam frowns. "It's not my fault she'd cry when I held her."

"Not everyone has natural talent, Liam." Louis smirks.

Liam sticks out his bottom lip in a pout. "Does this mean you're not going to let me hold Freddie?"

"Nah," Louis murmurs as he looks down at Freddie, fast asleep against his chest. "You can hold him. I trust you."

"You sure?"

"Well, now I'm not." Louis rolls his eyes. "Get over here, Payno, before I change my mind."

Liam shuffles over, hesitant to hold out his hands until Louis makes the first move. Even though he just said he'd do it, Louis is reluctant to let go of Freddie. He waits a few more seconds before he shifts his hold and Liam's right there to follow his lead. There's still a moment of panic that fills Louis up to the brim when he passes Freddie over, he feels it every time he gives Freddie to anyone and he wonders if it's ever going to disappear, but Liam clutches Freddie just like Louis does: like he's the most precious thing in the world.

"He's beautiful, Tommo," Liam says, smiling at Louis for a quick second before he gets wrapped up in Freddie.

Louis means to reply, he really does, but seeing Liam with Freddie seems to flip a switch inside of himself that he didn't know was there. Freddie looks even smaller in Liam's arms but there's no mistaking it: he fits. Louis doesn't know how to process that information; why the sight of Liam holding his son apparently means so much to him that he suddenly feels like he can't breathe.

"See?" Louis says, clearing his throat to cover the way his voice cracks, "you're great with kids. Maybe you should have one too."

Louis winces as soon as he says the words, he doesn't even know where they came from. Liam doesn't see it, thankfully, because he's still staring at Freddie. He laughs softly, shaking his head as he turns his head towards Louis with a smile that grabs a hold of Louis' heart and won't let go.

"Nah, 'm not strong like you. I don't think I could handle it."

"Liam," Louis starts to protest, but Liam turns back to Freddie and Louis loses his voice.

"Besides, I'm more than happy just to cuddle with your little lad, here."

Louis chokes on his own breath, covering it with a cough as he turns away. "D'you want a cuppa?" he asks, already heading towards the kitchen without bothering to see if Liam's going to follow.

He distracts himself with prepping the kettle and grabbing two mugs from the cupboard, telling himself that he's freaking himself out over absolutely nothing. He's just happy to see Liam, is all. It's been a while and he's the first of the boys to meet Freddie and Louis is just _fine_.

"For fuck's sake," he grumbles under his breath. He knew he missed Liam but this is just plain _embarrassing_. He can't let Liam or any of the other lads know how he's barely keeping it together after just a few months, not after he swore that he was going to be fine. Even if they've never said it aloud Louis feels almost as responsible for them as he does now for Freddie, so he has to be able to make it through on his own.

Louis takes a deep breath and turns around, holding two mugs of tea in his hands, expecting to see Liam in the kitchen with him. Surprisingly, he's still alone. Louis ventures back out into the hallway towards the door but Liam's not there either.

"Liam?" he calls.

"Living room," Liam calls back, barely loud enough for Louis to even catch.

Liam's sitting on the couch with Freddie still in his arms when Louis comes in and he's met with another fond smile. Louis smiles back easily enough as he ignores the thumping of his heart and sets Liam's mug down on the table next to the couch.

"D'you want him?" Liam asks, lifting Freddie the smallest bit as an offer.

"Yeah," Louis says, taking a quick gulp of tea that burns his throat before he sets the mug down and accepts Freddie from Liam. It grounds him, the feeling of Freddie back in his arms, but he can't help wondering if the frantic beating of his heart will wake him up.

"I dunno how you do it," Liam says with a soft laugh as he picks up his mug. "I feel like it took ages for me to walk in here, I was scared out of my mind."

"You get used to it," Louis tilts his head, "sort of."

Louis ends up putting Freddie back in the travel bassinet a few minutes later, not that he seems to mind. He keeps sleeping, snuffling gently every so often.

"So." Louis clears his throat. "Forty-nine times."

"You weren't answering your phone," Liam defends.

"So you just kept trying?" Louis laughs. "The first thirty times weren't a clear enough message that I wasn't able to answer?"

"Shut up," Liam mumbles. "I didn't know you were _sleeping_."

"Serves you right, anyhow." Louis smirks as he picks up his mug and takes a sip. "I seem to remember someone telling me they were coming to visit next week _three weeks ago_."

Liam purposefully avoids Louis' eyes, looking down at the floor then up at the ceiling, literally anywhere but Louis' face. He cracks once Louis starts laughing and soon the two of them are lost in each other's laughter just like they've done a thousand times before.

"'m here now, though, yeah?" he says, smiling like he never wants to be anywhere else.

"For now, yeah," Louis replies before he can stop himself. He knows that Liam's leaving again soon, that he's already planned on going to the BRITs in a few days and isn't staying in LA for long. It's not fair for Liam to remind Louis that this isn't his home, that he can still jet around the world at a moment's notice.

Louis' heart twinges as his gaze shifts to Freddie. It's not fair for Louis to miss his freedom, not when Freddie makes him so happy. Freddie certainly didn't ask for any of this, and for Louis to hold Freddie responsible even just for a split second makes him so angry at himself that he can hardly stand it.

"It'll be weird," Liam says, as though he can read Louis' mind, "being at the BRITs by myself."

"You should take a date," Louis offers. "Make Niall go with you, have the fans rave about Mrs. Horan all over again," he teases.

"Nah," Liam laughs bashfully, "Niall's off… somewhere. Dunno where he is. Who knew he could disappear so easy?"

"When he comes back he should teach us the tricks," Louis agrees. "Be nice to disappear for a while."

"Yeah," Liam laughs again. "So that's a no for Niall. I'd ask Harry, but he'd probably just get distracted and or caught up talking to a hundred different people."

"Or get stuck in the loos again," Louis says, snickering as he recalls their time at the BRITs in 2014. It feels like ages ago already; Louis doesn't understand how things can feel so big and so small all at the same time. "Plus, he's off being a movie star or something, isn't he?"

"Something like that." Liam shakes his head. "Can't believe that, either."

"Who knew we were such a talented bunch?" Louis scoffs. "Except me, of course. Not much talent in making a baby, is there?"

"Hang on, now," Liam says with a frown as he reaches out to smack Louis on the shoulder. "What would your mum say if she heard you talking like that?"

Louis winces. "I didn't mean it like that, I just--"

"You're plenty talented. Everyone knows that. And just look at Freddie," Liam says as he gestures towards the bassinet, "he's absolutely perfect. Mum says all babies are miracles and Freddie's certainly no exception. You did that."

"Alright, alright," Louis bats Liam's hand away and twists his mouth as he tries to hide his bashful smile. "So that's a no for Niall and a no for Harry. Who's left?"

"Just you," Liam says, easy as anything. _That's not true_ , Louis thinks. There's another name in his head that weighs heavy on his tongue but he swallows it down. Louis isn't going to be the one to bring him up, especially not when Liam's still avoiding him too.

"Nah, I've got Freddie, I can't."

"It's just one night, Lou. Two nights, at the most."

"Liam--"

"Fly there the day before, go to the BRITs, fly home the next day." Liam smiles. "Freddie won't even know you're gone."

Louis inhales sharply; he knows Liam doesn't mean it to be an insult. The rational part of Louis' mind knows he's right, that Freddie is a month old baby who likely won't remember the first few years of his life at all. But there's this voice inside Louis' head that serves as a constant reminder of how easy it is to become an absent father. He's already so scared that he's missing too much of Freddie's life just by not being able to see him every day, he didn't need someone else to say it aloud like it's no big deal.

"Yeah, but--"

"Besides, just think how proud Freddie's gonna be in a couple years when you can really share all this with him. And if we win, well," Liam tilts his head and gives Louis a wry smile, "you could always dedicate it to Freddie."

"Shut up," Louis says with a laugh. "You're such a sap, Payno."

"C'mon," Liam puts his hand on Louis' knee and shakes it gently, "you know you wanna go to the BRITs with me."

Louis looks down at Liam's hand, his touch comforting in a way Louis hadn't known he needed. He smiles, not listening to the tiny voice in the back of his head that says this is a terrible idea as he nods his head.

"Yeah, alright. I'll go."

*

Louis spends the next two days going back and forth on his promise to Liam to go to the BRITs with him. He brought it up to Briana first thing when he dropped Freddie back at hers that night, thinking maybe she'd get angry and he'd have to back out of it. She doesn't, of course, she understands and even encourages him to go. Louis would be lying if he said he wasn't slightly disappointed by her lack of reaction; part of him had been betting on her putting up a fuss so he'd have an easy excuse to cancel on Liam.

Louis doesn't get any sleep that night; his mind's too wired up trying to figure out why he wants so badly to cancel and why a simple "I don't want to go" wouldn't be enough.

He tells Danielle the following morning and gets the same reaction he did from Briana. It doesn't help his indecision, not at all.

"I think it'll be good for you," she says over the phone. If she'd been there, Louis can imagine that she'd be gently petting his arm or maybe curling their fingers together. "I know you've missed him."

"I just saw him yesterday," Louis replies petulantly. He feels a bit like a child right now; he wishes someone would just make the decision for him and he'd be forced to stick with it. Being a proper adult and having to make his own decisions all the time is vastly overrated.

"You know what I mean," Danielle tells him with a soft laugh. "You went from seeing each other nearly every day for five years to having your own lives on opposite sides of the world, it's a big adjustment."

Louis grumbles under his breath and Danielle laughs again.

"You know you'll have fun," she says. "Just try not to mouth off in front of any cameras."

"I've never done that in my life," Louis teases.

"Uh-huh," Danielle replies, chuckling. "You're an idiot."

"Oi, careful now. Them's fightin' words."

Danielle simply laughs again and Louis smiles at the sound. He wishes that they were having this conversation face to face so he could hold her, find the comfort in her arms that he so desperately wants.

"Book the flight, Lou," she says, bringing him out of his own head. "You'll be glad you went, I know you will."

"Yeah, alright," he says, though in his head he's still wrestling with the decision.

He continues to wrestle with it long after their conversation ends, well into the night. He's gone over it more than a hundred times in his head but there's one glaring problem that he can't seem to get past no matter how hard he tries because it just keeps circling him back into the same loop. The fact that it isn't an easy decision just makes it that much harder for Louis to make it, which in turn just creates more of a headache.

A year ago, he'd have gone without a second thought. Six months ago, he would've never even thought about saying no. Now there's this feeling in the pit of his stomach that keeps pulling him back and forth between the two sides of himself that he can't seem to reconcile. Every time he thinks he's made the decision to go, guilt starts eating away at him and if he can't get a hold of himself soon all that's left will be a shell of the person he used to be.

"Suck it up," Louis tells himself as he books the last flight out of LAX to Heathrow for the following day. "Just fucking go," he says as he slaps his laptop closed after getting the confirmation email.

He climbs into bed with his phone, texting Lou to ask if she'd be willing to style his hair for the BRITs even though it's probably far too late to be asking such a thing. He scrolls through the rest of his texts, intending to tell Danielle that he finally booked the flight, stopping on his thread with Liam. The last message was from hours ago, sent before Liam's flight took off.

_**c u soooooooon!!!** _

Louis puts his phone away, forgetting about his text to Danielle, and buries his head in his pillow. The feeling still hasn't gone away.

The night drags on as Louis tries to sleep, tossing and turning as he tries his best to shut his brain off. He refuses to get out of bed even though he's spent most of the night awake rather than asleep. Even when the sun starts peeking in through the cracks of his curtains Louis just pulls the covers over his head and tries to ignore the day starting whether he likes it or not.

He finally pulls himself out of bed around ten, shuffling into the ensuite bathroom to take a shower that he hopes will help him make it to the airport on time. He still feels like a zombie even after standing under the stream of hot water for a good twenty minutes and he ends up crawling right back into bed instead of getting dressed.

His phone is still where he left it last night and he reaches for it before he wraps himself up in his duvet like a cocoon. There's a reply from Lou from a few hours ago and he's thankful to see that she's agreed, even if she does call him a twat.

He sends her a reply thanking her and then finally texts Danielle that he booked the flight, bypassing Liam's thread entirely as he opens a new text to his mum.

_**come to the brits with me?** _

Louis is scrolling mindlessly through Instagram when his mum calls and he answers with a sheepish hello, wondering if his mum will be able to tell something's wrong from thousands of miles away.

"What's this about the BRITs? You do know they're tomorrow, right?"

"Yes," Louis answers with a wince.

"Did you fly back to London without telling me?"

"Not yet," Louis admits. "My flight leaves in a few hours."

"God forbid you plan ahead," she says with a sigh. "You'll be dead on your feet, you know that, right?"

"I'll be fine, Mum." Louis sighs. "Jet lag is what energy drinks are for."

"Disgusting," Jay says with an audible grimace. "What're you doing going to the BRITs by yourself, anyway? Shouldn't you have a date?"

"I will if you say yes," Louis replies with a grin. Jay laughs delightedly and Louis' heart swells.

"Oh, my darling boy. You're too good to me."

"Never." Louis hums softly.

"What about that nice girl you've been seeing? Danielle?"

"Mum," Louis groans, "I've told you, we're not together like _that_. We're just… casual."

"If you say so," Jay hums. "Seems to me that you're together. You do spend an awful lot of time together for two people who aren't together."

"It's not like that," Louis mumbles. "What with the break and Freddie, I just…" Louis sighs. "I can't just jump into something serious, alright? It's not fair to anybody."

"Alright, Lou, alright. Still, you should have someone besides your mum accompany you, y'know."

" _Mum_ ," Louis groans again, "Liam's going too, but I--"

"Oh, Louis, you don't need me there if you've got Liam! You two will have plenty fun without me."

"But I want you to come too," Louis replies.

"Well, why don't you just come and stay with me for a bit after?"

"I can't, Mum, I have to come back. I don't wanna be--"

"Away from Freddie," Jay finishes for him with a fond sigh. "I know the feeling, love."

"So you'll come?" Louis asks hopefully.

"You sure I won't be intruding on you and Liam having a… lad's night, or something?" Jay chuckles. "I don't want to be in the way, you know that."

"You won't be," Louis promises. "Liam loves you, you know that."

"Sometimes I feel like he's as much my baby as you are." She pauses for a minute. "Don't tell Karen I said that."

"I won't." Louis grins again. "So you'll come?"

"If you insist," Jay replies, laughing softly.

"I do. I'll have a dress sent over, alright?"

"Oh, Lou, you don't have to--"

"I want to, Mum. Let me?"

"If you _insist_ ," she repeats, huffing a little as though she's trying to sound put out. "You really are too good to me, you know that?"

"You can keep saying that all you like, it's never going to be true."

"Alright, alright. Love you, Lou. Let me know when your flight gets in, yeah?"

"Will do. Love you too, Mum. See you soon."

Louis feels relieved for the first time in days, finding himself so eager to set things up for his mum that he can hardly spare a thought to wonder why he didn't do this before. Somehow he tricks himself into thinking that bringing his mum along means that he's doing this for _her_ rather than for himself. He's being a good son rather than a bad father.

It's not a problem as long as Louis doesn't think about it, right?

It all catches up with him once he gets settled in his seat on the plane, if only because there's nothing left for him to plan. There's still time before takeoff, everyone else still filing down the aisle on the way to their seats while Louis fiddles with his phone and tries not to fall back down the rabbit hole.

 _ **mum's coming tomorrow**_ , he ends up texting Liam. _**hope that's ok?**_

Louis exhales sharply, wishing he could take it back as soon as he presses send. He doesn't need Liam's permission to bring his mum to the BRITs, nor does he want Liam to think that he can't go without her like she's some security blanket because he's still a child. He's an adult and he's fully capable of making his own decisions about how to spend his time. Liam's reply arrives not thirty seconds later and Louis stares at it for a full minute before he unlocks his phone.

_**yesssss i love ur mum!! :D r u in london yet?** _

**_not yet. on the plane now. get in around 11?_ **

**_boooo :( i cant sleep n evryone else is sleepin n im lonely tommooo u shud b here 2 hang out w meeeeee_ **

Louis laughs before he can second guess it, but his smile disappears when he feels his heart skip a beat. _God_ , who knew taking a break from his boys would hurt this much?

_**soon payno soooooon. get some rest!** _

Louis scrambles to switch his phone off entirely as soon as the reply bubble pops up from Liam typing. He lets out a long breath before he tucks his phone away in his bag and settles back against his seat, catching the eye of the nearest flight attendant so he can order a drink.

He orders another after takeoff, hoping that maybe the alcohol will hit quickly and he'll fall asleep for the duration of the flight. It'd be best that way, because then Louis wouldn't have to sit with his own demons and really try to understand what manner of ruckus they've been causing inside his head.

 _It's not fair_ , he thinks. It's not fair that Liam can slip back into their old lives so easily when Louis is struggling so much to stay grounded. Shouldn't Liam be happy to get some time apart? Shouldn't he want to disappear off on a holiday like Niall or do something completely different like Harry, instead of begging Louis to come to the BRITs with him like nothing's changed? It's just not fair.

The second drink goes to his head a lot faster than Louis expected and his vision goes a bit blurry as he reclines his seat. He shuts his eyes and curls into himself, pulling the hood of his jumper all around his face as though he's trying to hide from something. There's just one problem: he can't hide from himself forever.

*

Despite having slept through most of the flight Louis feels groggy and unbalanced from the moment he wakes up. He gratefully takes a cup of water from a passing flight attendant when offered, gulping half of it in one go before he takes another large sip to rinse out his mouth with. The dry, cottony feeling is gone after he's drained the cup but it doesn't do anything to dull the ache in his head.

It lasts all the way to when Louis arrives at his hotel, already running slightly behind schedule thanks to the long lines at customs. Lou is waiting in the hotel lobby for him, faffing about on her phone with her giant bag of tricks tucked against her side.

"Was beginning to think you'd changed your mind," she says, smiling at him as they embrace.

"Almost did," he admits and Lou's smile softens.

"It's hard to leave him behind, innit?"

"Near impossible," Louis agrees. Lou pats his arm before she slips her hand around his elbow and guides him towards the lifts.

"C'mon, you can show me all the pictures you've got while I fix that mess on top of your head."

"It's not that bad," Louis mumbles as he tugs at the edge of his hood, adjusting his fringe when it slides into his face.

Lou ducks into the ensuite as soon as they get up to Louis' room, sparing a moment to swat Louis' shoulder when he pokes fun. He laughs as he rubs at the spot she hit while walking further into the room, setting down his duffle before he goes over to the windows. There's a clear view of the O2 from his room and Louis decides to use it to his advantage, snapping a quick selfie to post to Instagram before Lou comes out.

He continues to ignore the notification of a text from Liam, locking his phone after the photo posts and slipping it into the pocket of his joggers. Instead he busies himself with unzipping the garment bag that had been delivered to the room before he'd even gotten off the plane, admiring the suit he's to wear to the BRITs in just a few hours.

"Alright," Lou says loudly as the door to the ensuite opens, "let's see what we're dealing with."

Louis dutifully goes into the ensuite and lets Lou tug his hood down so she can assess the state of his hair. It takes all of a minute or two before she's pulling her hands back and edging around him so she's closer to the door.

"What's the verdict?" he asks playfully.

"Not as bad as I thought," she replies with a grin. "But you, love, need to shower so I'll leave you to it."

Louis rolls his eyes as Lou shuts the door behind her. He takes off his jumper first, turning around to turn on the water in the shower before he pulls his joggers down. His phone clatters to the floor and he curses under his breath as he grabs it and puts it on the counter. The screen lights up from an accidental press of the home button and a new notification catches Louis' eye: another text from Liam.

He ignores it.

It doesn't occur to Louis that he doesn't have any clothes to change into until he steps out of the shower fifteen minutes later when he wraps a towel around his waist. He curses again, louder this time, before he opens the ensuite door and yells for Lou to bring him his duffle.

She instead brings him one of the pairs of pants he packed, meaning she went through his duffle to find it, and passes it to him through the crack in the door.

"If you put on your suit now, you'll wrinkle it," she says.

"Alright," Louis replies with a huff, shutting the door in her face so he can get dressed. He re-enters the room a minute later in just his pants and whistles when he sees the assortment of products that Lou brought with her.

Lou grins widely as she pats the desk chair for Louis to come and sit down. They're both silent as she dries his hair, the sound of the hair dryer drowning out any hope of conversation. Louis closes his eyes and for a bit he can pretend that they're back on tour and life isn't so much different than it used to be. He gets a little lost in his reminiscing, only realizing that his hair is dry after Lou gently tugs on a piece of his hair.

"Ow," he says pointedly, even though it hardly hurt at all.

"Space cadet," Lou says fondly. "Show me Freddie, already."

"Alright, alright," Louis says as he goes to get his phone from his pocket, only to remember that he's not wearing his joggers anymore. "Shit, I left it in the--"

"I'll get it," Lou offers, halfway to the ensuite before the words are out of her mouth. "Liam's texted," she says as she hands it to him, the screen lit up to show the unread text.

"I know," Louis mumbles, bypassing it in favor of opening up his camera roll.

"Okay," Lou says as she starts fussing with his hair again. "Everything alright with you two?"

"Fine," Louis answers, distracting her by bringing up his most recent photo of Freddie. She coos and Louis smiles, thankful that all mention of Liam goes out the window the second he brings out the baby photos.

They make it halfway through his collection before Lou's phone pings with a notification and she leaves Louis' side for a moment to check it. He continues scrolling through his photos, smiling at each one as though Freddie were actually in his arms.

"Oh, god," Lou mutters to herself with a laugh, catching Louis' attention.

"What?"

She turns her phone around to show him what she's looking at, which turns out to be a photo on Liam's Instagram posted a few minutes before. Louis stares at it for a second too long, but he quickly covers it up with a loud laugh.

" _That's_ why your phone went off?" He clicks his tongue. "And here I thought Harry was your favorite."

"Shut up," Lou says as she tucks her phone into her back pocket. "I get notifications for all you lads, don't think I'm not keeping an eye on you lot."

Louis goes red immediately and he shuts up, much to Lou's delight.

"Thought you could take a sneaky selfie, did you?" she teases.

Louis' mouth twists, embarrassed by Lou's laughter. She presses a kiss to his temple before she picks up a can of hairspray and continues styling his hair.

"Why aren't you answering Liam's text?" she asks casually. "Normally you two are thick as thieves."

"No reason," Louis says, clearing his throat. "Gonna see him later, aren't I?"

"Yeah, but--"

Lou's cut off by a knock at the door and they both turn to look at it before they share a look with each other. Lou goes over to look through the peephole, exclaiming joyfully when she sees who it is and opens the door.

Waiting on the other side is Louis' mum.

Louis watches as Lou and his mum hug and chatter excitedly, still half in the doorway. He smiles at the sight before he turns his phone over in his hands and finally opens up Liam's texts. the first was just a simple wish for a good flight and for Louis to text him when he landed, which makes Louis wince a little seeing as how he absolutely did _not_ do that. Louis groans under his breath when he reads Liam's second text, wishing he hadn't looked at all.

_**saw ur selfie :p yay ur here c u sooooooooon!!** _

"Louis," Lou calls, "come over here and say hello to your mum!"

"Sorry," he says, somewhat distractedly as he puts his phone down on the desk in front of him amidst Lou's collection of supplies, "but I seem to remember someone always yelling at me for getting up before she was finished," he says cheekily before he embraces his mum tightly.

"That's because you were a menace," Lou says. "I have to say, fatherhood's mellowed you a bit."

"Hey," Louis protests, but it's drowned out by both Lou and his mum laughing.

"That's not a bad thing," Jay says as she cups his face with the palm of her hand. "I still can't believe my baby has a baby of his own."

"Mum," Louis says, on the edge of a whine.

"He's been showing me all sorts of pictures," Lou says as she starts steering them both back into the main part of the room. "'m sure you've seen most of them already."

"Ooh, give 'em here, I want to see," Jay says, happily accepting Louis' phone when handed to her. It's true that she has seen most of the photos that Louis has but she coos at them all nevertheless.

The conversation doesn't stray far from Freddie for the remainder of the time spent in Louis' hotel room, something which Louis doesn't even realize has happened until they're waiting for the car to take them all to the O2. He starts fidgeting once seated between his mum and Lou, something which Jay notices immediately judging from the way she takes his hand in her own.

"Excited?" she murmurs, squeezing his hand gently.

"Yeah," he says, "bit nervous too."

"That's why you've got me," Jay says, "and Liam, of course."

Louis goes stiff for a moment, hoping his mum didn't see it as he relaxes against the seat and clears his throat.

"Is he meeting us there?" Jay asks.

"I think so?" Louis avoids her gaze. "'m not sure."

"Oh, Lou." Jay lets go of his hand and pats his knee. "Usually you're so good with planning, what's happened?"

"Nothing, Mum." Louis sighs softly. "'m sure Liam will be there, it'll be fine."

"He's on his way," Lou adds helpfully as she clicks her phone off. "He's just texted."

"See?" Louis says, giving his mum a pointed look. She raises her eyebrows but doesn't say anything further. Louis glances at Lou but immediately looks away when she gives him the same sort of look.

"You could text him," Lou whispers, snickering when Louis jumps a little.

"Why?" he replies, sounding slightly harsher than he meant to. "I mean," he clears his throat, "we're going to see him in a minute, why do I--"

"Lou," his mum says carefully. "Did something happen between you and Liam? Did you have a fight?"

"No, god, we didn't--" Louis sighs sharply. "We didn't _fight_ , Mum, nothing's wrong."

"Something's wrong," she continues, "I know you well enough to know when something's wrong so you might as well just come out with it."

"Mum," Louis replies, not even trying to keep the whine out of his voice. "Do we really have to get into this now?"

"Better now than when we get to the BRITs," Lou mutters.

"It's just…" Louis groans. "It's weird, alright?"

"What?" Jay asks, genuinely curious.

"It's like… it's like everything's the same, only it's not. I can't help but feel like I'm… like, trying to fool people into thinking nothing's changed by being here when everything's different and I don't know if I really even want to be here!"

"Oh, Lou," Jay says softly.

"And Liam…" Louis' voice breaks a little. "You know Liam, Mum. He just wants everyone to be happy and what if this isn't the sort of thing that makes me happy anymore? What if I've changed so much in the last three months that this isn't the sort of life I want anymore?"

Louis inhales sharply; the tightness in his chest has only loosened slightly by his admission. He hadn't really come to terms with the idea that he didn't want this kind of life anymore, but there had to be some truth to it. Maybe he'd stop feeling so guilty if he focused solely on Freddie.

"There's nothing wrong with that," Jay says resolutely. "Everyone changes, Louis. I know that, you know that, and I know that you know that Liam knows that too."

"But--"

"Liam's your friend and he wants what's best for you," Jay continues, "and if you decide that you'd rather stay in LA with Freddie than go to awards ceremonies, then he'll support you."

Louis makes a strangled sort of noise in the back of his throat when both his mum and Lou take his hands, squeezing them in a reassuring manner. He knows she's right, he knows Liam cares about him as a friend and he's one of the most important people in his life. Liam's not trying to trick him into being a bad father; Louis is certain that Liam would rather die than even suggest that Louis was anything but the best father in the world. He opens his mouth to say something further, but he stops when the words just don't come out.

"But you're here," Jay says, catching Louis off guard when she speaks again. "Which tells me that you wanted to be here, whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. And it seems to me that you're trying to trick yourself into thinking that wanting to keep a hold of your old life makes you a bad father, which you're _not_ , Louis."

"But--"

"You're not," Jay says firmly. "I know you love that beautiful baby boy more than you can even imagine because that's how I felt when you were born and how I feel about you now and my love for you has never once been cancelled out by anything I've done. That's not how it works, Louis, and you need to understand that."

Louis hangs his head and sniffs loudly when Jay leans forward to press a kiss against his forehead. Lou hugs him from his other side and he lets out a deep breath, shutting his eyes tightly so he doesn't start crying.

"Thanks, Mum," he says softly.

"Of course," she says, kissing his forehead again. "Now text Liam this instant and tell him you're sorry for ignoring him."

" _Mum_ ," Louis groans.

"You can't push him away," Lou says, "he's like a puppy. He's just going to keep coming back."

"Alright, alright," Louis mutters as he tugs his hand out of Lou's grip so he can take out his phone. There's no hope of having even a second of privacy to compose a text to Liam, he can feel both Lou and his mum staring over his shoulders as he opens their text thread.

He takes a deep breath as he tries to come up with something that isn't ridiculous or over-the-top. He ends up settling for something rather innocuous but that he knows will bring a smile to Liam's face.

_**gonna be a great night payno!!** _

*

The red carpet is more of a blur than Louis had expected it to be even given all the practice he's had over the last five years. Every bit of himself that was dreading facing questions about Freddie was won over in a heartbeat after answering the first one. His mum's voice echoes in his mind as he moves from interview to interview with Liam by his side and Louis can't help but think how insane he must've been to be worried about this at all.

All he has to do is look at Liam and he knows this is just as much his home as Freddie is.

"It's weird, innit?" Liam asks once they've made it through the red carpet and have actually entered the O2.

"What is?" Louis asks, momentarily distracted as he reaches for a can of Red Bull.

"Being here without the lads. I feel like I keep looking over my shoulder expecting to see Harry or Niall."

Louis looks up at Liam who's got a soft, sort of sad smile on his face. Truth be told, the thought hadn't even crossed Louis' mind.

"Bit weird, yeah," he agrees. "But not so bad, right? I mean, you've got me, so really, who else would you need?"

Liam laughs. "True," he says as he hooks his arm around Louis' shoulders and pulls him into a one-armed hug. "They're missing out."

"Too right," Louis replies proudly. "Let's show 'em what they're missing."

He pulls out his phone and snaps a quick selfie of the two of them, posting it to Instagram before he remembers what he'd learned just a few hours before. He laughs to himself as he slips his phone back into his pocket and Liam hums as he reaches for a drink.

"What?"

"Did you know," Louis says, his lips curling into a smirk as he turns back to Liam, "that Lou has all our notifications on for Instagram?"

"She what?" Liam bursts into laughter and Louis joins in. "She does not, you're joking!"

"She does!" Louis continues to snicker as he tries to get the words out. "I know because _someone_ posted to Instagram while she was getting us ready," he says, jabbing his finger against Liam's stomach.

Liam flushes immediately and bats Louis' hand away as he turns his face and takes a swig of his drink.

"Careful, Payno," Louis smirks, "too many of those and you might give the whole arena a free show."

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Liam quips in return.

The thing is, Louis knows it's a joke. He knows Liam means Louis would love it because it'd give him something to hold over Liam's head presumably for the rest of their lives, endless ammunition to use against him whenever Louis does something stupid that Liam witnesses.

But on the other hand, when the image of Liam stripping down to his pants or less in front of the whole of the O2, a funny feeling curls inside his heart. It's the kind of feeling that he gets when another bloke makes Danielle laugh.

Louis doesn't answer. He doesn't know how to, not when he's trying to figure out why he'd be feeling _jealous_ over Liam taking his clothes off for a crowd when he literally just showed it to the whole world on Instagram. Instead, Louis drains the entirety of his can of Red Bull and tosses it into the nearby garbage can, reaching for a beer before he opens his mouth again.

"C'mon," he clears his throat, "let's get to the table."

His mum is waiting for them when they get there but she's not sitting down, nor does she make any movement like she's going to even when Louis sits down in the seat she's standing next to. He takes her hand in his and gives it a gentle tug, smiling at her when she tuts at him.

"Mum, what're you doing?" Louis points to the stage. "They'll be starting soon, you should--"

"'m not staying, Lou."

"What?" Louis stands up. "Why not?"

"It's late," she tells him patiently, "and it's a long drive back, you understand."

"Mum, I told you, I'll put you up in a hotel, you don't have to--"

"I already told _you_ , Lou," she says as she strokes his cheek, "I'm going home tonight. Dan's waiting for me already."

Louis doesn't whine as he hugs her tightly, a feat that he should be rewarded for quite frankly, but he still wishes she'd reconsider.

"Let me know when you get home, alright?" he asks as she goes to give Liam a hug goodbye.

"I will," she says with a smile before she turns to Liam, who stood up as soon as she took one step in his direction. "You take care of our boy, you hear me?"

Liam looks at Louis and smiles. "Promise."

Louis sits back down in his chair as he watches his mum leave, thinking it's only a matter of time before the bad feeling starts to creep back in and fill his stomach with dread. He turns back towards the table once she's out of sight and props his chin up in his hand as he lets out a soft breath. Just as he looks up, he spots Liam holding up his phone and a smile creeps onto his face as Liam smile back at him.

"That's a good one, Lou," he says, quickly crawling across the chairs between them to take the seat on Louis' left so he can show him the photo.

Louis smiles and watches Liam post it to Instagram, expecting him to go back to his chair once it's done. Instead, Liam slips his phone back into his pocket and settles into his new seat, cracking open a new bottle of beer that he offers to Louis.

"Cheers," Louis says as he takes it, welcoming the drink just as he welcomes the warm feeling in his chest that he much prefers over whatever he was dreading before.

"Cheers," Liam replies as he cracks open another one for himself and clinks it against Louis'.

If Louis thought the red carpet was a blur, it's nothing compared to the rest of the night. Between presenting an award to Adele and winning one of their own, Louis feels like his feet hardly touch the ground by the end of the awards. It honestly starts to feel like one big game of musical chairs, and somehow Liam's always right by his side to guide him back to where they need to be.

Louis isn't really sure how that happens, especially given that Liam's definitely had the most to drink by the time they step out for a few more interviews. It's extremely amusing for Louis to watch him be a little unsteady on his feet and permanently stuck in a fit of giggles. He hasn't had nearly as much to drink as Liam but is definitely buzzed enough that his vision is a little fuzzy around the edges and he feels better than he ever expected he could feel tonight. Liam bounces back and forth on his feet while Louis answers questions, never falling too far out of Louis' periphery.

He's in the middle of talking about Freddie when it happens and Louis probably should've been expecting it. Liam slips into his space in the span of a second, one hand on his shoulder while the other goes for his chest.

"You've got me to cuddle, it's fine," Liam says earnestly as Louis' hand flies up to meet his of its own accord. Perhaps he meant to pull Liam's hand away subconsciously but instead Louis finds himself keeping Liam's hand there for longer, continuing the ridiculous circular rubbing motion for all the world to see.

"Thanks for this rub, Liam," he says, playing it off as just another silly thing that goes on in the world of One Direction.

The truth is, when Liam pulls his hand back Louis finds it really hard not to reach out and stop him. In the same way that Liam didn't stray too far from him just minutes before, Louis now finds that he wants to keep as close as possible to Liam. It's part of the reason why he manages to pull Liam into the same car when they're leaving, even though Liam had every intention of going back to his own flat and not Louis' hotel.

"You promised me a cuddle," Louis says, keeping a firm grip on Liam's arm even though the car door is already shut and they've pulled away from the O2. "You can't back out on a cuddle, Liam, s'in the rules."

"Rules?" Liam blinks. "What rules?"

"Band rules," Louis states, getting slightly distracted as he drags his fingers along the roof of the car. Liam stares at him for a moment before he does the same thing, tracing the fuzzy surface until his finger connects with Louis' and he starts giggling.

Louis pushes his hand away and laughs as Liam sinks down, his head hitting Louis' shoulder before he can slide off the seat entirely. Louis rolls his eyes and presses his hand over Liam's face, not letting go even when Liam starts to grumble and try to dislodge him.

"You're drunk," Louis declares.

"So are you," Liam says, finally pulling himself out from under Louis' hand.

"Excuse _you_ , I'm not drunk. You're drunk."

Liam dissolves into giggles again and for the life of him, Louis can't remember what he said that would make Liam laugh so much. He keeps it up for the length of the ride back to the hotel and it fondly reminds Louis of countless times on tour when Liam got giggly after one too many drinks. But for the first time in a while, it doesn't make Louis feel guilty to miss it: the part of his life that feels like it happened ages ago instead of just a few months ago.

"C'mon," he says, tugging Liam's arm when the car pulls up in front of his hotel. Liam doesn't put up a fuss this time and Louis feels something new spark inside his chest. Maybe the solution to his problems is Liam after all. Maybe he needs to keep Liam as close to him as he can so he gets the best of both worlds.

"Louis," Liam softly sings as they ride up in the lift together, drawing out the vowels as he drops his head down onto Louis' shoulder again. Louis pets his face, gentle strokes against his cheek as he watches the floors pass by until the doors open. He slaps Liam's face and makes a break for his room, pausing only a few steps away when Liam's still standing in the lift in a daze.

"Liam," Louis groans, catching the doors before they close and take Liam with them. "C'mon!"

Liam frowns as Louis grabs his hand, tugging him along the corridor down towards his room. He's still pouting when they reach Louis' door and Louis huffs loudly.

"It wasn't that hard, you big baby."

Liam just frowns harder, his bottom lip jutting out so far that it's certain to fall to the floor any minute. Louis huffs again before he takes Liam's face in his hands and kisses his cheek, the sound a loud smack in the otherwise quiet hallway.

"Much better," Liam replies with a broad grin as Louis turns around to unlock the door. It gives him a good excuse for hiding the flush in his cheeks.

Liam follows him into the room and somehow it feels far bigger than it did earlier now that it's just the two of them. Crossing the room takes almost no time at all but when Louis turns his head to see Liam hesitating near the edge of the bed it feels like there's miles between them. Louis doesn't like that.

"What d'you say we break into the minibar?" Louis asks with a wicked grin.

Liam's mouth twists. "Not really breaking into it if you're going to have to pay for it, is it?"

"Not the point," Louis replies with a roll of his eyes. He picks out a few options from the selection of tiny bottles and tosses them over his shoulder, expecting Liam to catch them. He turns around at the sound of Liam's shout and starts laughing when he sees that Liam didn't catch a single one.

"Shut up," Liam mumbles as he bends down to gather them up. Louis sits down on the bed next to him and holds out his hand expectantly, as if he didn't just throw all of them at Liam.

Liam passes him one, a small bottle of whiskey, and Louis opens it with the intention of drinking the whole thing in one gulp. He catches the grimace on Liam's face before he does it and he pauses.

"What?"

"No chaser?" Liam grimaces more. Louis rolls his eyes and knocks it back anyway, making a point to hide the wince as it burns his throat on the way down.

"There might be some Cokes in the fridge," Louis says, clearing his throat as he tosses the tiny bottle aside.

Liam huffs out a breath, piling the rest of the bottles on the bed next to Louis as he gets up and rummages around in the mini fridge. Louis is already opening another bottle when Liam pulls out two cans of Coke, forcing one of them into Louis' hands as he swipes the bottle of liquor from him.

"Hey," Louis protests as Liam drinks it, taking a long sip of Coke afterwards. "That was mine."

"There's more!" Liam replies, gesturing to the bottles still sitting on the duvet.

"But that one was _mine_ ," Louis whines grumpily as Liam sits down next to him.

"You take these _two_ ," Liam says as he pushes two towards Louis, "and I'll have this _one_."

"No, I want that one."

"Louis."

"I do!" Liam rolls his eyes as he switches bottles, but he cracks a smile when Louis grins at him.

"Happy now?"

"Very, thank you." Louis preens as they both open their drinks, clinking them together before draining them. Liam takes another long pull from his can of Coke while Louis only takes a tiny sip, mostly just to rinse the bitter taste of alcohol from his mouth.

He polishes off the third bottle a few minutes later and they sit in silence for a while, smiling dopily at each other as the alcohol they've just had mixes into their system with the many drinks they'd had earlier. Louis is the first to start fidgeting, pulling at his collar and twisting around trying to get comfortable.

Liam watches him, snickering quietly when Louis finally gets up and shrugs off his jacket, exhaling loudly in relief.

"Better?" Liam quips as he reclines on the bed, humming in relief.

"Much," he says as he takes off his shoes. Within a minute he's stepped out of his dress pants and shirt, left only in his pants as he turns back around and walks over to the bed.

Liam's still lying quietly, his hands tucked under his head with a soft smile on his face. He hasn't moved an inch to take off his own suit, not even just the jacket. Louis huffs as he sits down next to him and starts pulling at the button, not giving up even as Liam tries slapping at his hands.

"Louis, stop it!"

"You promised me a cuddle," Louis says as he gets the button undone and starts pulling Liam's jacket off whether he likes it or not, "and there's no cuddling in suits, s'uncomfortable."

"Louis," Liam sighs but he sits up and lets Louis pull his jacket off, "I'll just have to put it back on when I go home, y'know."

"No," Louis says, sounding a bit more petulant than he intended, "don't go home. Stay here and cuddle me. You promised."

"You want me to stay?" Liam asks softly. Louis hides his face in Liam's shoulder as he wraps his arms around him.

"Like we used to," he mumbles. "I miss it."

Louis closes his eyes and remembers a hundred different nights when he and Liam shared a bed, cuddled close together as they talked and talked until one of them fell asleep. Louis doesn't know why he's so obsessed with the past or why he's so desperate to relive it at this moment, but he doesn't want Liam to go. Louis wants to keep him right here, because that's where he belongs.

"Alright, alright." Liam starts unbuttoning his shirt, his fingers fumbling a little when Louis leaves his side and jostles the bed. Liam has to put both of his hands down on the comforter to make sure he doesn't tip over, and when he glances back at Louis the both of them burst into a fit of giggles.

Louis crawls under the covers and switches off the light before Liam's got his dress pants off all the way, cackling madly when Liam protests. He starts flipping the light on and off until Liam's undressed all the way and climbs into bed next to him, slapping his hand away from the switch and turning it off once and for all.

"Still a menace," Liam mumbles as he lays down next to Louis, letting him curl into his side just like he's done so many times before.

"Shut up and cuddle me," Louis replies as he sneaks his hand across Liam's chest and tweaks his nipple. Liam jerks and grabs Louis' hand but he doesn't move to push it away. Louis takes the opportunity and twists his nipple again, feeling Liam's hand tighten its grip on his own as he sucks in a sharp breath.

"Louis," he whispers. He'd have expected Liam's tone to be warning him, but there's something in Liam's voice that seems to be egging him on rather than telling him to stop.

It's still their thing, Louis tells himself. He's always been drawn to Liam and both of them know it. In the early days it was because Liam was the easiest to wind up; the most fun to push and pull to get whatever reaction Louis wanted out of him. Now that Liam goes along with most everything Louis tries the fun is to push the boundaries that much further, to see how far he can really push him until it's too much.

"Liam," he whispers back as he curls his fingers around Liam's nipple and pulls it for a third time. This time, Liam lets a moan slip out of his mouth and Louis feels the duvet shift when his hips jerk up. Instead of pulling away, Louis presses closer and slips his leg between Liam's.

If he were sober, he'd have rolled over and laughed it off. If he were sober, he wouldn't have gone this far at all.

"Louis," Liam repeats in a strangled breath. Louis pulls his hand out from under Liam's and slides it further down, half-expecting Liam to stop him before he reaches the waistline of his pants.

Liam doesn't move apart from the rise and fall of his chest as his breathing picks up its pace the closer Louis' hand gets to his pants. Louis pauses for a split second before he tugs at the waistband, slowly peeling it away from the head of Liam's cock that's already fattened up just from a bit of teasing.

He wraps his hand around it and Liam gasps, turning his face away and trying to hide it in the pillow next to him. Louis presses his nose into Liam's cheek and breathes out his name, coaxing him to turn his head back as he twists his hand around Liam's cock for the first time.

Liam tries to say Louis' name again as he turns his head back to face him but Louis cuts him off by pressing his mouth to Liam's, swallowing the moan that follows when he starts stroking Liam's cock with a slightly unsteady hand. Liam turns onto his side and cups Louis' jaw with his hand as he shifts his hips closer, jostling Louis' hand and causing him to lose his grip.

Louis tries to laugh but Liam doesn't stop kissing him, clearly unbothered by the loss of Louis' touch as long as he can keep kissing Louis. Liam's hand drops down from Louis' face and skates across his back all the way down to his bum, getting a good hold of it as Louis tries to fit his hand between them again. His hips knock forward into Liam's when Liam squeezes his arse and their cocks bump against each other, making both of them moan into the other's mouth.

Liam's the first to tug Louis' pants down but Louis quickly follows suit and does the same to Liam so that soon they're both naked, their pants lost down near the foot of the bed. Louis whimpers into Liam's mouth as he grabs onto Liam's hip while Liam presses their hips together even tighter and starts rutting against him.

Louis' head feels like it's spinning even after Liam pulls away for some air, and it only gets worse when Liam starts kissing his way down Louis' neck towards his chest. He gasps and curses loudly when Liam wraps his hand around his cock, distracting Louis with a few strokes before he ducks down and sucks the head into his mouth.

"Fuck, _Liam_!" Louis groans loudly, slamming his fist down against the mattress in an effort not to buck his hips up and force his cock even further into Liam's mouth. Every inch of his skin feels electrified and it's impossible for him to get a deep enough breath so he can try to calm down. Liam hums around his cock, only making it worse for Louis to control himself, and slides down even further.

Louis' left hand finds its way into Liam's hair and he pulls hard, not expecting Liam to moan at the sensation. He'd meant for it to distract Liam long enough so he could catch his breath but instead Liam just sucks harder and Louis loses all control of himself.

He starts chanting Liam's name as his hips roll, bucking up into Liam's mouth until Liam presses his hand down firmly against Louis' hip to hold him in place. Louis lets out a strangled whine when Liam's fingertips dig into his skin and he ends up coming before he can tell Liam to pull off.

Liam chokes a little but recovers quickly enough to swallow enough to prevent a mess before he lifts his head. Louis can't manage even one word but it doesn't matter, Liam crawls back up his body and presses his face into Louis' neck. Louis clings to him, pressing kisses to any part of Liam's skin he can reach as he fits his hand between them to finish what he started.

"Lou," Liam groans weakly, his hips jerking forward as Louis tugs on his cock. Louis shuts his eyes and sinks his teeth into the meat of Liam's shoulder, biting and sucking as he brings Liam off with his hand. Liam shakes against him as he comes, and Louis finds it hard not to shiver himself.

Liam's the first to pull away, despite Louis' attempt to keep him right in his place, ducking into the ensuite to clean himself up. He returns a few minutes later with a wet flannel, wiping away the mess on Louis' hand even as Louis tries to distract him with more kissing.

Liam disappears into the ensuite again after he manages to sate Louis for the time being, murmuring promises of being right back. Louis' mind is a haze, too full of contentment from his orgasm and the comfort of Liam's touch to even spare one thought to what this means. He falls asleep without meaning to before Liam climbs back into bed next to him, his mind empty of dreams when his head is too far up in the clouds to worry about crashing back down.

*

Louis wakes up to a pounding headache and a foul taste in his mouth, his face pressed against the mattress instead of a pillow. He cracks one eye open just a smidge, wincing at the light streaming in from crack in the curtains over the windows on the other side of the room. Louis groans and turns his head so he faces away from them, groggily cursing himself for not closing them all the way yesterday.

A puff of air hits Louis in the face that smells worse than his mouth tastes and he opens his eyes to see Liam in a dead sleep next to him. It doesn't strike Louis as odd, god knows they've shared many a bed over the years after a night out, but all it takes is a few seconds of looking at Liam for their late night activities to come flooding back to Louis' head.

Louis rolls onto his back and lifts the sheets, confirming what he's afraid of: they're both naked. _That_ certainly hasn't happened before.

"Shit," he groans, clutching his head when the sound made it hurt.

Everything from the night before is swimming around in his head now; pulling Liam into the car with him, taking Liam up to his room under the promise of a cuddle, having even more drinks and then coaxing Liam into taking off his suit and staying the night. Louis can't remember why he thought all of that was a good idea last night when it's so obvious in the light of day that it was all a horrible mistake.

Louis slides off the bed as carefully as he can so as to not disturb Liam. The last thing he wants is for Liam to wake up and for them to have an awkward conversation. As far as Louis is concerned, this never happened.

It's a miracle that he's able to toss all of his clothes back into his duffle bag without making too much noise. He doesn't spare a thought towards his suit from last night; he should know better and pack it in a proper manner but instead it gets bunched up and tossed in with the rest. All that's left is a pair of joggers and a jumper that Louis set aside to wear on the flight back to LA, both of which he pulls on as quickly as he can. He can't risk taking a shower, not when Liam might wake up while he's in there. Louis has to leave.

He's all ready to go; he's jammed his feet into his shoes and slung his duffle over his shoulder, all he has to do is walk out the door. But he can't.

Louis pauses with six feet left between him and the door of the hotel room and he turns around to look at Liam, still sleeping soundly in the bed. His bed. There's a tiny part of Louis that aches to drop everything and climb back into bed with him. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Louis just laid back down and poked Liam til he woke up, maybe they could pretend like last night was just a laugh and everything would go back to normal.

 _No_ , Louis' voice shouts inside his own head. His throat closes up as he turns away and heads for the door, not letting himself look back. Not even once.

Louis gets on a plane back to LA and doesn't look back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [come encourage (or yell at) me to finish chapter two](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com)


	2. You Said You Always Had My Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LITERALLY FINISHED THIS CHAPTER TEN MINUTES AGO. it's ironic that i started having trouble sleeping right after i wrote about louis having trouble sleeping. life imitates art.
> 
> chapter title from Bad Blood by Bastille

**SPRING**

Louis isn't waiting for Liam to text him. He sighed in relief when he turned his phone back on upon landing in LA after the BRITs and didn't see a text from Liam. He'd been dreading it the whole flight back, feeling sick to his stomach about just up and leaving like that but he _couldn't_ stay. Staying meant talking and talking meant that Louis would inevitably have to admit that he had feelings for Liam, even if he hadn't realized it before that night.

Feelings or not, Louis couldn't face that conversation. He couldn't bear having to hear one way or the other how Liam felt about him. Both ends were the worst case scenario because no matter what Liam said, Louis couldn't be with him. He knew Liam well enough to know that he wasn't good enough for him. Liam loved too much for someone like Louis.

Either way, the conversation would only end in pain. Liam is too important to Louis for him to lose him. As far as Louis is concerned, the quicker they put the BRITs behind them, the better.

What Louis hadn't expected was radio silence. Liam doesn't text him at all, not even to check that Louis got back to LA in one piece.

"It's fine," Louis mumbles to himself late that night, feeling exhausted down to his bones. It's close to midnight and he has no idea how he's even still conscious, but every time he sets his phone down with the intention of going to sleep he swears he hears it go off.

He ends up turning it off completely just to be able to let himself go to sleep, telling himself that if Liam needs the space then he'll give it to him. It's a mantra Louis continues to repeat every morning that he wakes up to find that Liam still hasn't texted him.

A week goes by without hearing from Liam and Louis tries not to dwell on it. His attention gets diverted to Niall easily enough when he resurfaces from whatever island he's been prowling around for the last couple of months, and Louis decides to celebrate his return with a trip to Vegas.

The weekend passes by in a haze of late nights full of stories from Niall's travels around the world that would probably have been a bit easier to understand had they all not had so much to drink every single night. On their last day, Louis and Niall hang out in Louis' massive suite nursing their hangovers while the rest of their group has ventured onto the strip. Louis is stretched out on a lounger nursing a beer and trying not to fall asleep in the warm sun, his mind relaxed enough that his guard is down for the first time in a while. His mistake is thinking that Niall wouldn't be able to recognize it and therefore take advantage.

"How were the BRITs?" Niall asks casually. Louis turns his head to see Niall looking at him with a smile that looks innocent enough but it still makes Louis feel a bit like a deer in headlights.

"Good." He stirs a little on the lounger and clears his throat. "Got to see my mum for a bit."

"That's good." Niall hums a little. "Can you believe we're still winning awards, even when we're not touring or anything?"

"Mental," Louis replies. Niall stays quiet and Louis silently prays that he's finished, that he won't ask any further questions about the BRITs or, god forbid, Liam.

"Saw some photos," Niall says with a gentle teasing lilt to his voice. Harmless or not, it still sets Louis on edge. "You and Liam were pissed by the end of the night, weren't you?"

"Yeah," Louis replies, "the night's a bit of a blur, if I'm honest."

Niall nods, seemingly satisfied with Louis' lie. Louis turns his head away and closes his eyes, hoping that the weird feeling in the pit of his stomach is just a wave of nausea.

"I'll have to ask Payno about it when I see him, then."

Louis turns his head back towards Niall. "You're gonna see him?"

"Yeah," Niall answers, giving Louis a strange look, like he doesn't understand why Louis would even be asking. Louis looks away but he can still feel Niall's stare and he knows he's being weird but maybe if he's lucky Niall will brush it off. "He texted me a couple days ago. Probably catch up when I go back to London, y'know."

"Oh," Louis says, clearing his throat again. "Right. Of course."

"You okay?" Niall frowns. "You're acting weird."

"Bit of a headache," Louis says with a wince, half out of embarrassment for the way he's acting and half to hopefully sell the headache. "Might go inside and see if I can find something for it."

He gets up from the lounger without waiting for Niall to say anything in response, ducking through the doors into the suite and getting as far away from the balcony as he can. His head feels like it's spinning a little but he knows it's not from his hangover.

There's a mantra of _Liam texted Niall_ circling round his mind, not letting him think about anything else no matter how much he wants to. He shouldn't care that Liam texted Niall, especially not because Liam still hasn't texted him. That would be straying a little too close to feeling jealous and Louis _isn't_ jealous, dammit. There's no reason for him to be jealous of one of his best friends texting another one of his best friends, particularly because they're also best friends.

Louis groans and puts his head in his hands. All of these thoughts are starting to give him an actual headache and he wants everything to just stop.

He pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens up a new text addressed to Liam, their old thread appearing in a matter of seconds. His text to Liam before the BRITs is the last message, sent what feels like a lifetime ago. Louis tries not to stare at it as he focuses on typing something new, taking far too long to write just three simple words.

_**are we okay?** _

He presses send and holds his breath, hoping that he hasn't let the silence go on too long. He doesn't know how long to wait, if Liam's going to reply soon if at all.

Louis closes his eyes and in a flash he feels Liam's lips on his own, Liam's hands on his skin. His phone drops from his hands without him realizing he's letting go and it clatters to the floor, but Louis doesn't move to pick it up.

"Idiot," he grumbles to himself as he hides his face in his hands.

His phone buzzes suddenly, startling Louis and he has to take a deep breath before he reaches down to grab it. His heart does a flip inside his chest as he sees Liam's name on his screen and he unlocks it, hoping for the best.

_**of course** _

Louis stares at Liam's reply for a solid minute. He should be happy, because Liam's texted him and their friendship is intact. Or at least, he thinks it is.

Louis lets out a long breath and pockets his phone before he heads back to the balcony, sticking his head out of the door instead of stepping out all the way. Niall's on his phone, distracted enough not to realize Louis has come back until he whistles loudly.

"Jesus, Tommo," he says, clutching his chest. "What?"

"Let's go find the others," Louis replies. "Last day in Vegas, mate, gotta make it count!"

"Alright," Niall says with a chuckle as he stands up. "Head's feeling better, then?"

"Yep," Louis answers as he turns away, avoiding looking Niall in the eye. "My head's just fine."

*

Even though he was the one to break the silence, Louis doesn't go back to texting Liam on a regular basis like he used to. He's easily distracted by his time spent with Freddie, marveling at how much he seems to grow on a day-to-day basis. He remembers what it was like watching his sisters grow up but somehow it all feels so much bigger when it's his own son. He can't even imagine how he'll feel in just a few short months when Freddie starts crawling, walking, and even talking.

On the days where he doesn't see Freddie Louis usually finds himself spending time with Danielle, and his feelings for her seem to grow with every passing day just like Freddie does. It's a little dizzying, if Louis is being honest with himself, falling for someone new so fast. He doesn't really know how to tell her without worrying about the possibility of scaring her off, especially since he's already told her that he wants to take it slow.

It's a lucky thing, in some respect, that the realization that he's falling for Danielle doesn't seem to scare him. He finds a sort of comfort in it, the same sort of peace that he found all those years ago when he realized he'd fallen for Eleanor. He clings to it sort of like a security blanket and tells himself that it has to be real since he's felt it before. He's not let to let a good thing slip out of his hands over a mistake.

A mistake with one of his best friends in the entire world; someone that Louis has an already complicated history with.

Louis still cringes when he thinks back to how he treated Liam on the X-Factor and he hates that even though he's apologized a hundred times over and Liam's forgiven him for every one, he still carries the guilt with him. The last thing Louis wants to do is hurt Liam again, which is why he knows nothing could ever come of his feelings.

He just doesn't see a way it would end without Liam having his heart broken.

Louis knows that if he's ever going to get his friendship with Liam back to where it used to be, he has to make a conscious effort to normalize everything. He can't treat Liam any differently than he did before.

In spite of the tumultuous sea of feelings swirling around his head, Louis comes to the decision to properly ask Danielle to be his girlfriend. He contemplates the right way to do it for a few days, not wanting to do anything over the top but still being nervous of asking just a straightforward question with the hope of a positive answer. It ends up slipping out just before they're meant to meet up with friends at a restaurant, meaning if it goes poorly they'll both have to suffer through an incredibly awkward evening.

There's a moment of pure silence after the question leaves Louis' mouth, and they both stare at each other for a few seconds before Danielle giggles softly.

"You serious?" she asks, her nose wrinkling a little as she smiles at him.

"Yeah." Louis tilts his head. "Is that funny?"

"No, it's just…" Danielle shrugs a little. "Wasn't expecting it, I guess."

"So…" Louis exhales sharply. "Is that a no?"

Danielle rolls her eyes and leans up to press a kiss to his lips. "Of course not, idiot."

Louis grins down at her and pulls her in for another kiss. They spend the rest of the night curled against each other in one way or another, stealing kiss after kiss even when their friends catch them more often than not and groan at their displays of affection. It's the perfect night as far as Louis is concerned, especially when Danielle agrees to come home with him instead of going back to her own place.

It's not until the next morning, just after Danielle's left, that Louis' mind picks itself up out of the haze of happiness and comes up with a solution to his Liam problem. He's sat in his kitchen with a half-empty cup of tea with his phone in his hand, trying to resist the urge to text Danielle seeing as how she closed the front door not five minutes ago.

He scrolls further down in his inbox and towards the bottom he sees his thread with Liam, still left untouched since their short conversation in Vegas. Louis clicks on it and takes a calming breath before he starts typing, telling himself that this is definitely something he would've told Liam before and that it has _nothing_ to do with what happened at the BRITs.

_**me and danielle are official now, don't go confusing her with your ex haha!** _

Louis sits and waits for a few minutes for Liam to respond, but when ten minutes go by without a text back he starts to think that maybe he should've said something else.

_**not that you would, i don't think. just wanted to tell you the happy news, obviously.** _

Louis exhales as he sends the second text, telling himself that it's fine. He's cleared the air and everything can go back to normal now. Liam will text him back and they'll chat like they used to.

But still no reply comes, and Louis gets closer to the rabbit hole.

_**should've done it ages ago, probably. i dunno why i didn't. she's probably too good for me or something. but it's right to do it now, since i really like her. like, really really like her.** _

Louis hums to himself as he presses send, quickly typing away at another message before the first even gets fully delivered.

_**dunno if i'm ready for the other word yet. might be?? i could love her. dunno why i wouldn't, she's great. better than great. she could be the one. she's really been there for me plus she's great with freddie. that should've been my first clue right?? haha** _

Louis puts his phone down and waits exactly thirty seconds before picking it up again.

_**i just mean like we're good together and freddie likes her so why wouldn't i want her to be my girlfriend, right?? maybe down the road it'll turn into something more? i'm not gonna rush into anything but like the idea's nice, yeah??** _

This time Louis puts his phone down and grabs his cup of tea to give his hands something to do as he stands up, walking out of the kitchen and leaving his phone behind. He tries not to think about how ridiculous he's being as he takes a shower, trying to tell himself that all that rambling he just did was entirely normal and he's just seeking advice from one of his best friends. He tries to stay away from the kitchen for as long as possible after he's done in the shower, puttering around between rooms in a vain effort to distract himself.

About an hour has passed between the time he sent his last text to Liam and when he finally allows himself to go back into his kitchen and check for a reply. He lets out a breath of relief when he sees that Liam has finally texted back, even if it's only one text in response to Louis' five. He's quick to push that thought out of his head as he unlocks his phone and reads Liam's reply, eager to see what he's said.

_**im happy ur happy tommo!!!!** _

Louis doesn't know what he was expecting, but he's sure it wasn't that. He sinks down onto the same stool he'd been sitting on earlier as he looks at Liam's text, feeling the smallest sense of relief that it at least shows more of Liam's personality than his last text did. He should be smiling at it; it reminds him of the text Liam sent congratulating him on Freddie's birth, but it's not enough to make Louis' heart feel less heavy.

This just doesn't make sense. This is what Louis wanted - for Liam to treat him like he had before. Why did it feel like something was still missing?

_**i'm happy too**_ , he writes back, _**feels good to feel happy.**_

Louis hesitates for a moment before pressing send. He grimaces a little, the text not sitting well with him even though it's out of his hands.

_**not that i was unhappy before, y'know. i'm just saying it's nice to have stuff to be happy about outside of the band and stuff.** _

"Jesus, Tommo," he mutters to himself, "pull yourself together."

He's absolutely not expecting Liam to text back quickly, so when his phone goes off in his hand he nearly drops it in surprise. He sets it down on the countertop just to be safe and opens the message, frowning when he reads it.

_**u sure ur ok, lou?** _

_**yeah**_ , he writes quickly, _**i'm fine, why wouldn't i be?**_

Louis doesn't have a moment to spare any thought as to what Liam means by his question, because another text comes through just as fast as Louis sent his reply.

_**just makin sure :)** _

Louis groans as he puts his phone down and turns away from it, walking out of the kitchen and immediately heading for his bedroom. He curls up under the duvet, burying his head into the pillows and catching the scent of Danielle's perfume that always lingers long after she's gone. Usually he takes comfort in it but now all it's doing is making him more upset that he's alone.

For a fleeting moment he lets himself think that maybe he should've said no when Liam asked if he was okay. Maybe what he needs to move on is to talk about what happened and get it all out in the open; clear the air properly so he can go back to thinking of Liam as his best friend first, foremost, and only as such.

Louis groans as he rolls over and tucks his head underneath his own pillow, hiding himself from the world. He pushes that idea out of his head and tells himself that it wouldn't solve anything. All it would do is hurt both of them, and Liam especially.

Liam's been hurt enough, Louis doesn't need to make it any worse. What he needs to do is stop being so fucking weird about everything and just talk to and treat Liam like he used to. If he can manage that then everything will eventually go back to normal.

Besides, it shouldn't matter anyway. Louis has Danielle. He likes her, maybe even loves her. She's his girlfriend, for fuck's sake, he shouldn't be hung up on what his best mate thinks about him getting serious with his girlfriend. Danielle is who he wants, Louis knows that for sure. He wouldn't be with her if he wasn't sure.

"It's going to be fine," Louis says, his voice barely audible with his mouth pressed against the mattress. He repeats it over and over until it's the only thing in his head.

Maybe if he keeps saying it eventually it'll come true.

*

Louis can't sleep. Every night he stays up marathoning a new show on Netflix until his eyes feel too heavy to keep open any longer, thinking this time will be different, but then when he climbs into bed he just can't fall asleep. Sometimes he'll curl up on the couch wrapped in a blanket with a pillow tucked under his head, wondering if maybe he can trick himself into falling asleep that way, but even that doesn't work. He still can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time, usually coming to him in the early part of the morning when the rest of the city is still dead asleep.

On more than one occasion Louis starts to compose a text to Liam complaining that he can't sleep but every single time he stops himself from writing anything. He knows Liam would ask if he's okay yet again and Louis isn't convinced that he'd be able to lie a second time.

After a week of this terrible new sleep pattern, Louis starts trying to keep busy instead of lying in bed willing himself to sleep. He tries to turn his restlessness into something productive by writing songs, and when that doesn't work he plans another lad's weekend in Vegas, books a trip for himself and Danielle to Monaco for the Grand Prix, and even starts doing some training exercises for the upcoming charity football match in June. If he and Niall are going to be on opposing teams then he's got to be sure that he does everything in his power to help his side be the _winning_ team.

He's got plenty to look forward to, lots of things to be excited about, but somehow he knows it isn't anticipation that's keeping him up at night. The problem is he can't put his finger on what's bothering him enough to fuck up his sleep schedule this badly.

It gets so bad that he nearly falls asleep in the middle of a conversation with Danielle while they're out having dinner and she has to gently shake him back into consciousness. He tries to play it off as just having one rough night of sleep but the look in her eyes tells him that she sees right through it and his resolve crumbles.

"Actually, it's, um…" he chuckles humorlessly, "it's been about a week, now? I dunno why but I just can't seem to fall asleep."

"You were doing just fine a minute ago," Danielle teases gently. "Maybe I should take you home and put you to bed."

"Maybe." Louis smiles at her. "Depends on whether or not you'd stay."

Danielle's smile turns bashful and she ducks her head. "Probably wouldn't get any sleep if I did that."

"You never know," Louis says as he slides closer to her. "Might just need to tire me out."

Louis is half-joking when he says it but pleased when she agrees to stay the night. He expects the cycle to repeat itself, for his body to change its mind at the last minute and refuse to let him fall asleep even though it's all he wants to do. Surprisingly, something about Danielle curled up next to him lulls him to sleep faster than he even thought possible.

When he wakes up the next morning he feels better than he has in days.

"How'd you sleep?" Danielle asks in a slow manner, her voice thick with sleep as she looks at Louis with tired and slightly worried eyes.

"Better than ever," Louis tells her happily as he leans in for a kiss despite her soft protest.

Somehow Louis manages to talk her into spending the night again the next night, and also the night after that and continuing on until he goes to Vegas with Oli and Calvin and the other lads. He starts feeling a little anxious about his sleep problems the morning he leaves, hoping that maybe he'll make it through the weekend without too much trouble. He expects this weekend to be much like the last one, where he and the others usually ended up passed out sprawled across whatever flat surface they managed to land on in their hotel rooms at the end of the night.

Louis will drink all the alcohol in Vegas if he has to, just to ensure that he can sleep through the night.

In the end, it's not the nights that Louis has to worry about. It's the hour or two in the morning when he's left to his own devices; when the other lads either aren't awake yet or aren't exactly ready to brave the outside world. Louis tries to fill the time by texting Danielle but it's foiled when she doesn't answer right away. He ends up scrolling through his inbox to see who else he could bother to keep him entertained and it doesn't take long for him to click on his conversation with Liam.

Before he can spend too long second-guessing himself he sends Liam a photo from the previous night, one of him and the other lads taken somewhere amidst their numerous rounds of drinks. It's a little blurry and Louis doesn't exactly remember it being taken but he sends it anyway in the hopes that Liam's looking at his phone and will reply straightaway.

_**bit early fr partyin louuuu isnt it like 10 or sumthin???** _

Louis chuckles a little under his breath as he reads Liam's text, sent perhaps three minutes after the photo was delivered. It's probably the fastest that he's replied to any of Louis' initial texts in a while and it cheers Louis up in a way that he hadn't expected.

_**haha it's from last night payno!! lads holiday in vegas!!** _

_**again? werent u just there??** _

Louis frowns. _**so??**_

He taps his fingers against the side of his phone as he waits for Liam to say something else, continuing to frown as the seconds tick by. He restrains himself from sending another text even as the possibilities float around his head - _**who do you think you are, my mum?? i'm a grown man payno i can do as i like! what does it matter to you anyway, you used to go to funky buddha all the fucking time**_ \- but it doesn't stop him from losing the warm feeling that Liam's quick reply had brought to his chest.

_**when r u back in la?** _

Louis stares at Liam's text for a while, trying to make sense of Liam's digression. He can't make heads or tails of it no matter how hard he tries so he settles for taking the bait with the hope that Liam will explain himself.

_**couple of days. why?** _

_**gona come out soon 2 work on sum demos. could use some of that tommo magic!!** _

It takes longer than Louis will ever admit for him to reply with two simple words ( _ **sounds good!**_ ) and even longer still to stop them from spinning around his head. It's been over two months since he last saw Liam and their communication has been spotty at best in that time; what happens if it affects their ability to write music together? It's a terrible thought for a hundred different reasons but most of all, it scares Louis to think that what happened after the BRITs affected him more than he's willing to admit.

The reason he left that morning was so he could make sure that nothing changed. For the first time, Louis lets himself wonder if he screwed everything up by trying desperately to keep everything the same.

It's a thought that sticks with him for the rest of the weekend, not matter how much alcohol Louis drinks to try and shut his brain off. He doesn't text Liam again, telling himself that it's _not_ because he's avoiding him. He'll text Liam when he's back in LA and they'll set up actual plans to meet up whenever Liam's in town. Louis lets himself believe it, even though it's a weak excuse at best.

The weekend is over before Louis knows it and he phone weighs heavy in his pocket the whole trip back. He doesn't text Liam.

*

Louis doesn't even try to convince himself he's not avoiding Liam anymore, because there's simply no other word for it. If he wasn't avoiding him then he wouldn't have deleted Liam's itinerary email without replying. He'd answer Liam's texts about getting together in the studio while he's in LA.

But Louis doesn't. Instead he stays in his house and pretends like he isn't ignoring his best friend. He thinks he's doing a fairly good job at hiding the fact that anything is wrong until he catches Danielle giving him a look he can't decipher. It doesn't bother him at first, but after the fourth time he sees the look on her face his interest is piqued enough to ask her about it. He shouldn't be surprised when she avoids the subject, given he's been doing the exact same thing, but it makes him feel worse about the whole thing.

"Why don't you go see Freddie?" she suggests, changing the subject. "Get out of the house for a bit, or something."

"It's not my day," Louis answers as he avoids looking her in the eye. He and Briana don't have an official set schedule of days, it's more of a relaxed agreement between the two of them. Louis knows that Danielle knows this, otherwise she wouldn't have brought it up, but he can't help but feel like there's a hidden meaning in the question that he doesn't want to face.

If he were thinking clearly, if he weren't trying so hard to hide so much, he'd probably realize that he's just making things up at this point. There's nothing malicious behind what Danielle's saying, Louis just doesn't know how to let her in so he's doing what he does best: pushing her away.

"I'm sure Bri wouldn't mind," Danielle says gently. "She'd probably be happy to let you take Freddie for an hour or two."

"You make it sound like Freddie's a burden or something," he answers, his tone edging into harsh, "and he's not."

"I didn't mean it like that, I just…" Danielle sighs softly. "Never mind."

Louis winces, the fight draining out of him as he sees Danielle's face fall into a frown. He slowly wraps his arms around her and presses his forehead against hers.

"'m sorry," he murmurs, "I know you didn't mean it like that."

Danielle doesn't answer but she slips her arms around his waist and holds him tightly.

"Think I will go see Freddie. Been missing the little lad, and it's only been a couple days."

"I think that's a good idea," Danielle says softly.

"Will you be here when I get back?"

Danielle tilts her head back and smiles at Louis, leaning forward to press a kiss to his lips.

"Is that a yes?" Louis teases lightly. Danielle rolls her eyes and kisses him again.

Louis finds comfort in Freddie; his own flesh and blood who looks at him with such love that it's enough to make Louis forget literally everyone and everything else on the planet. He spends as much time as he can with Freddie before he and Danielle go to Monaco, all the while ignoring Liam's texts.

He puts Liam out of his mind while he's in Monaco because unlike before, Louis now has an actual excuse to not see him. It's easy enough for Louis to forget about Liam when he's in such a beautiful spot, especially with having Danielle there to keep him company.

The distraction continues when they go to Manchester for the Soccer Aid match, and Louis finds that it's even easier than before to keep Liam out of his head while he trains with Team England and prepares for the match. That is, until he sees Niall.

It's all in good fun - the banter, the so-called rivalry - but there's no denying that Niall knows Louis better than most people. It's only a matter of time before Niall figures out that Louis is hiding something.

Two days before the match Louis finds himself out for the night with Niall, and it's so reminiscent of their nights in Vegas a few months before that Louis almost forgets all that's happened since. He falls into old habits with Niall, something so familiar that it's easy for him to slip into a level of comfort that he didn't know he missed so much.

"Missed you, lad." Louis throws his arm around Niall's neck and fusses with his hair.

"Yeah, you too, Tommo." Niall pushes his hand away but leaves his arm where it is. "Even if you're a right arse for posting that photo of me."

Louis laughs uproariously. "I had to, I told you!"

"Fuckin' did not," Niall says, but he's grinning so Louis knows he doesn't really mind. "Thought you only did shit like that with Liam."

Louis falters for a moment but it's just long enough for Niall to catch the look on his face. Louis quickly looks away and brings his glass up to his mouth, hoping that maybe Niall won't press the matter and they'll go back to having fun.

"Jesus, Lou," Niall mutters. "Still?"

Louis turns his head back to look at Niall and gives him a confused look. "What?"

"You got all weird when I talked about Liam in Vegas and now you're doing it again. What happened?"

"Nothing _happened_ ," Louis says with an exaggerated laugh. "You're mad."

"Nah, something happened." Niall shakes his head. "Liam was being weird too but wouldn't talk about it."

"When?" Louis asks, a little too quickly to come off as anything other than desperate. He clears his throat and takes another sip of his drink. "When was that?"

"Like, a month ago, maybe more?" Niall shrugs. "Like, I know the band's on break and all but that doesn't mean we can't talk to each other. You know that, right?"

"I know," Louis snaps. He regrets it as soon as it comes out but he drowns his apology with another gulp. "I talk to you, don't I?"

"Yeah, but what about Liam? Or Harry?"

Louis laughs. "Harry never answers texts, you know that. Plus he's off being a movie star, or something, isn't he?"

Niall's frown turns to a considering smile and he laughs a little. "That's true. But… y'know. He's still our Harry."

"Yeah, maybe." Louis shrugs one shoulder and swirls the ice in his drink around. "Some things you never forget," he says with a bit of a wistful laugh.

Niall takes the bait and heads down a reminiscing path that takes up the rest of the night, their earlier conversation forgotten. It's far less difficult for Louis to talk about Liam when he's talking about the old days, which he considers a strange term for a time that was less than a year ago, but it's harder for Louis to keep Liam out of his head after that night.

Even after Team England wins the match and Louis is swept up in the glory and celebration, later that night thoughts of Liam still seep into his mind and keep Louis up long after Danielle's fallen asleep next to him. Especially now that Niall's caught on to the fact that something isn't right - even if he didn't bring it up again after their night out - Louis knows he can't keep ignoring Liam forever. He has to do something; he has to be an adult and talk to him.

_**sorry i missed you**_ , he writes. He doesn't even know where Liam is at the moment so there's a good chance he won't receive a response. _**i'm back in la in a couple days, maybe you could come to mine?**_

Louis stares at the screen until it goes dim and ends up falling asleep with his phone in his hand, although it gets lost in the bed by the time he wakes up the following morning. When he opens his eyes the space next to him in the bed is empty but he relaxes when he realizes he hears the shower running. After a few seconds of searching amongst the blankets Louis finds his phone and sees that Liam's replied, and he takes a moment to breathe before he opens the text.

_**of corse!! tell me when n ill be therrrre** _

Louis relaxes again and smiles as he types out another message. The relief lasts long enough for Louis to fool himself into thinking that he won't screw this up again. Nothing is going to ruin their friendship, not if Louis has anything to say about it.

*

Louis can't help but call himself a complete idiot for thinking that he wouldn't get nervous again. Not two months before he was panicking over what to say to Liam in a fucking text message and now he's actually going to see Liam face to face. What was he _thinking_?

This time Louis doesn't have Freddie around to distract him. He doesn't accidentally fall asleep on the couch and wake up to almost fifty missed calls. Even if he'd tried to take a nap Louis is positive he wouldn't have been able to fall asleep, not with the way he's been on edge from the moment he woke up this morning. He's both relieved and upset that Danielle had to go out of town at the same time that Liam was coming in; he doesn't want her to see him like this. He doesn't want anyone to see him like this.

Louis takes a deep breath and forces himself to fill a glass with water and drink the whole thing. He focuses on the act and on his own heartbeat, rather than all the confusion swirling around in his head. He's not got much time left before Liam's due to arrive and he has to at least try and get himself under control.

The doorbell rings just as Louis is setting down the empty glass and he whips his head around, startled by the noise. Liam's _early_.

Louis carefully makes his way to the door, taking a couple more deep breaths before he plasters a smile on his face and tells himself that he can do this. There's nothing to be nervous about. It's just Liam.

It's still a bit of a shock when he opens the door and finds Liam on the other side with a soft, rueful smile on his face.

"Hey, Lou," he says casually, like it hasn't been four months since they last saw each other.

"Hey," Louis replies. His knuckles are white from the grip he has on the door handle, luckily hidden from Liam's view, but he feels himself relax just by looking at Liam. As he steps aside to let Liam in he starts to wonder what it was he was so worried about in the first place. Liam's still his best friend.

"Danielle around?" Liam asks, glancing around briefly as Louis closes the door behind him.

"Nah, she's uhh…" Louis clears his throat, "filming something."

"Something?" Liam repeats, smiling wryly as Louis' mouth twists to hide a smile. "Forgot what she told you, is that it?"

"Shut up," Louis says, shoulder-checking Liam as he passes by on his way towards the kitchen. "Want something to drink?"

Liam follows him into the kitchen, staying quiet as he pauses in the doorway and watches Louis go to the refrigerator. Louis opens the door and gestures to its contents as he glances back at Liam, wordlessly asking for Liam's preference.

"Water's fine," Liam says. He offers Louis a smile and tucks his hands under his arms, looking a little unsure of himself.

"'m not gonna bite," Louis says. He sneaks a look at Liam as he fills a glass with water and sees Liam drop his arms to his sides and his face turn bashful. It's been a while since Louis has seen that sort of look on Liam's face and there's a sense of familiarity in it, but it also makes Louis' stomach turn because he remembers it all too well from their early days after the X-Factor. They can't be backtracking that far; Louis can't go back to having Liam be afraid of every word he says, every move he makes being hesitant and fearful that he'll do something wrong.

He fills another glass with water for himself and turns around, smiling at Liam as he crosses the floor to hand him one. Liam's mouth turns upwards in a similar smile, losing some of the bashfulness as they stand in a slightly uncomfortable silence.

"C'mon," Louis says, breaking the silence with a clap against Liam's shoulder, "I've got us set up in the living room."

The air clears as they sit down to write; it's something that's always come fairly easy to the both of them on their own, and even easier when they're together. Louis has bits and pieces of songs he's worked on by himself in the last few months; a couple lines of lyrics here, a hint of a melody there. They start in the same way they always do: sharing their work with each other and swapping ideas and giving their honest opinion.

There's a voice in the back of Louis' head that won't stay quiet. It keeps reminding him that this time is different because they're not writing with the next One Direction album in mind, and that's not something that Louis particularly wants to think about at the moment. It's starting to get frustrating just how traitorous his mind seems to be these days, making him think about things he'd rather forget. He didn't use to be so self-destructive, not like this.

No matter how hard Louis tries to lose himself in the songwriting session, the voice sticks out in the back of his mind like an echo that just won't stop.

It's a scary thought, not knowing when the band will get back together. They talked about it before going on break, god knows they probably talked the subject to death, but there was never a firm date. It was always more of a "when it's right, it'll happen" sort of feeling, something that Louis went along with because it seemed like a good idea and he wanted a break just as much as the other lads did.

"I missed this," Liam says as Louis is saving the final touches on the song they'd just finished. "Writing on my own is never as fun as it is with you."

Louis looks up from his laptop and smiles while his heart beats wildly in his chest. It's silly for him to react like this because Liam's said this so many times before, but it means so much more to Louis in this moment after all the uncertainty he's felt about their friendship since February.

"Yeah," he replies, a little late. He clears his throat and turns back to his laptop as he says, "sorry we couldn't do it sooner. Last month was sort of--"

"It's alright," Liam interrupts gently. "Everybody gets busy, I understood."

"Yeah," Louis says again, softer this time. He watches Liam out of the corner of his eye as he shuffles through Louis' song ideas, presumably looking for the next one to work on.

"Ooh, I didn't see this one before."

"Which?" Louis leans over to look at the sheet that Liam's holding, reading over the first few lines before realization hits and he swallows hard. "Oh, that's--"

"It's brilliant," Liam says, "d'you wanna work on this one?"

"It's, like, just something I was toying with, really." Louis clears his throat awkwardly. "It's probably not very good, I worked on it one night when I couldn't sleep."

"You couldn't sleep?" Liam asks. Louis turns his head so he doesn't have to look at Liam's frown and gives up the fight. Maybe if he agrees to work on the song with Liam then he won't have to get into his bout of insomnia.

"It was nothing, 'm fine now. So, that one next?"

The voice in the back of Louis' mind has changed its mantra, weighing heavy in his thoughts as the two of them work on his song. Louis can't say that the song wasn't inspired by Liam but even he doesn't know if it's necessarily about him specifically. He hadn't even looked at it since the night he wrote most of the lyrics, truth be told he'd more or less forgotten its existence until Liam pulled it from the pile.

Enough hours have passed by the time they deem the song to be finished that Louis assumes Liam's forgotten what they were talking about before. He's toying with the idea of suggesting a break to order some food when Liam hums thoughtfully and Louis freezes.

"What?" he asks, slightly hesitant.

"It's a good title," Liam says, gesturing to the top of the page where Louis scribbled _something that scares me about love_ all those nights ago.

"Oh," Louis says as he ducks his head, "thanks."

"Is that what was keeping you up?" Liam asks. Louis closes his eyes and holds his breath. "Were you scared?"

"It's just a song, Liam. Not everything has some deep meaning to it."

"I know," Liam says quickly, "I just…"

Liam doesn't finish his thought and Louis doesn't ask him to. Inside his head Louis is begging and pleading Liam to let it go. He's desperate to let the past be the past and not let it affect his present or future, even though it's probably already done enough damage to last a lifetime.

"Did you want to talk about it?" Liam asks, catching Louis' attention in an instant after the long silence. He looks at Liam and sees that he's staring at his hands instead of making eye contact so Louis darts his eyes away and clears his throat.

"Talk about what?" he asks in return. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Liam shut his eyes and cock his head to the side for a moment before he lets out a sharp sigh.

"We don't have to," Liam says, letting out another soft breath as he pauses, "I just thought, maybe, you'd want to."

"We don't have to," Louis parrots. He keeps his eyes on his own hands, twisting his fingers together in a nervous habit before he decides to speak again. He waits a moment, just to be sure, before telling himself once and for all that maybe not talking about it isn't the best thing to do. "Unless, y'know, you want to."

Liam chuckles at that, but the sound isn't one of amusement and it makes Louis' insides twist into an even tighter knot than they already were. He sneaks another look at Liam and watches as he scratches at his stubble, no doubt trying to think of what he's going to say next.

Somehow it's still a surprise when Liam speaks first.

"You, um…" Liam sighs. "You didn't have to leave, y'know."

"I did," Louis answers softly. He starts fidgeting even more, balling his hands into fists and playing with his hair, all the while staring firmly at the floor. "I did, though. I couldn't stay."

Louis doesn't even know where to begin to explain. This is what he was dreading, what he'd tried so hard to avoid. His mind is dizzy with how he keeps flip-flopping between wanting to talk about it and wanting to forget all about it. He'd been so sure that they'd be able to move on and never talk about it, that things would just go back to the way they were and he wouldn't lose Liam as his best friend, but having Liam here makes everything even more complicated. Now that he knows Liam wants to talk about it, how could he say no?

He could spend the rest of his days feeling the way he does towards Liam in secret, just as long as he still had Liam in his life. He could live without a lot of things but Liam just isn't one of them.

"Because of Danielle," Liam prompts.

"Yeah," Louis says after a minute, swallowing hard.

"I didn't, like, expect anything." Liam chuckles ruefully. "Just thought you'd be there when I woke up."

"I'm sorry." Louis' voice comes out raspy, like he's on the verge of losing it completely. He might be, for all he knows, with the way it feels like his throat's closing up.

"It's alright, Lou. I mean, it's not, but it is, y'know?"

Louis lifts his eyes from the floor to give Liam a confused look and freezes when he sees that Liam's staring right at him. He opens his mouth but no words come out and Liam actually _smiles_ at him.

"Was a bit cross when I woke up, if I'm being honest." Liam shakes his head. "Didn't think you'd just run out like that. Didn't even leave me a note or anything, you dick."

"Sorry," Louis gasps, barely above a whisper.

"You didn't give me a chance to say anything. I would've told you that nothing had to change. You're still my best mate, who cares if we had a bit of a drunken tumble?"

The knot in Louis' chest starts to loosen and a small smile starts to creep across his face. Liam's still smiling at him and part of Louis wants to just wrap Liam up in the biggest hug in the world and apologize over and over for being such an idiot, but he doesn't. He stays still and tries to muster up the strength to speak with conviction.

"Really?" he manages.

"Yeah," Liam laughs softly, a tad on the nervous side. "I mean, we are best mates still, aren't we?"

"Yeah," Louis answers quickly, breathlessly. "Yeah, of course we are."

"Good. Had me worried for a second, there." Liam reaches out and lays a gentle hand on Louis' shoulder. "You didn't have to leave, Lou."

"I just…" Louis exhales sharply and drops his gaze again. "I was scared. Didn't want to lose you, Li."

"You didn't lose me," Liam replies fiercely as he squeezes Louis' shoulder. "I told you, nothing has to change."

"Promise?" Louis asks, half-teasing. He's expecting Liam to roll his eyes, to jostle him into a hug or something.

He absolutely doesn't expect what comes out of Liam's mouth next.

"Promise. You could even ask Harry, if you wanted."

"Why would I do that?" Louis scrunches up his face as he looks at Liam quizzically. "What's Harry got to do with this?"

"We had a thing once, me and him." Liam pulls his hand back as he shrugs one shoulder and the color drains from Louis' face. "Wasn't, like, serious or anything, and look at us: still the best of friends."

"You… and Harry…" Louis swallows hard. The knot is back and bigger than ever. Louis swallows again but his throat still feels dry and he can't get any other words out.

"Yeah, it was ages ago." Liam ducks his head and laughs a little, looking fondly nostalgic while Louis' world is crashing down around him. "We never told anybody because there wasn't anything to tell, y'know? But I'm telling you now so you know that I'm telling the truth: nothing has to change."

Liam pats Louis' shoulder again but Louis doesn't lean into his touch like he had before. He hardly processes it at all; his mind is too busy trying to make sense of what Liam's told him.

How did he miss it? Was it a one-time thing or was he so oblivious that he didn't notice two of his best friend shagging on a regular basis? Had it happened with Niall, too? Did it happen with…

Louis closes his eyes for a second, pushing the thought away before it fully processes. When he opens his eyes Liam is giving him a worried look and his grip on his shoulder has gotten a little firmer.

"You okay, Tommo?"

"Yeah," Louis says with a scoff, trying his best to hide the fact that he's losing his mind over this information. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Just… I dunno, you look a bit pale."

"Bit hungry, if I'm honest." Louis shies away from Liam's touch and scrambles to his feet. "What d'you say we get some food?"

"Alright," Liam says, his tone slightly wary as Louis heads for the door. "Lou--"

"Think about you want to order, yeah?" Louis interrupts, pausing momentarily in the doorway, "I'll get us some beers."

He doesn't stick around to hear Liam's agreement before he makes a beeline for the kitchen, barely managing to make it there without tripping over his own two feet. The moment he steps into the kitchen it's as though he's on autopilot; like his body knows that he can't afford to dawdle forever as he tries to get a grip on his thoughts. He has to fool Liam into thinking he's completely fine.

But as he roots around his refrigerator for the aforementioned beers, his mind is turning around and around in circles at a million miles per hour. Suddenly everything he told himself has been turned upside down and he doesn't know how to make sense of any of it. He'd been so sure that Liam was just as deep in this as he was and the best course of action was to try and spare Liam's feelings, but now he's left to wonder if he's been the fool.

Maybe the person he should've been trying to protect was himself.

*

It's late when Liam decides it's time to leave, the hours lost to Louis pretending like he wasn't stuck in his head and Liam not knowing how to talk him out of it. After the food was delivered they'd fallen into awkward, stilted conversation. Louis had tried to slip back into his old self, but there wasn't much he could do when he was so rattled by what Liam had told him.

"You sure you're okay?" Liam asks as they reach the door, hesitating before he even reaches for the handle.

"I'm fine, Liam." Louis makes a big show of rolling his eyes before he stretches his arms over his head and yawns obnoxiously. "Just tired, been a long day, y'know."

"Alright," Liam says, looking at Louis like he's not entirely convinced. Louis looks away and feigns another yawn. "I'll talk to you later, yeah?"

"Yeah, yeah. Text me when you make it home, and all that." Louis claps him on the shoulder, still avoiding looking Liam in the eyes.

"I will." Liam hesitates for a moment before he pulls Louis into a hug. Louis forces himself to relax into Liam's touch, hugging him back even though it sends his entire body further down the spiral he'd been trying to so hard to avoid. "Night, Lou," Liam says as he pulls away. "Get some sleep."

"Yeah, yeah. Night, Payno."

Louis stays still even after the door shuts behind Liam. He doesn't move a muscle as he listens to the start of the car engine and then the crunch and scrape of gravel underneath the tires as Liam drives away from the house. It's quiet when Louis finally moves again, heading directly for the kitchen instead of his bedroom.

He pulls a bottle from the freezer and sits down on a stool at the kitchen island, foregoing grabbing a glass. He waits a moment before he twists off the lid and brings the rim of the bottle up to his mouth, taking a long sip that burns all the way down.

He waits for the burn to go away before he takes another, repeating the action until the bottle is almost empty. It clatters against the countertop when Louis sets it down for the final time before he buries his head in his hands.

Not even half a bottle of vodka could dull his thoughts enough to wipe out what Liam had told him. It was still there, spinning around and around through the haze, taunting him. _Liam and Harry. Liam and Harry. Liam and Harry._

"Stop it, stop it!" Louis whispers harshly, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes to try and block it out. When that doesn't work he slaps himself in the face once, twice, and then a third time.

It doesn't work. _Liam and Harry._ It's still there.

Louis stumbles as he stands up and slides off the stool, clinging to the edge of the island as he goes back to the freezer for another bottle. The first one didn't work, but maybe this one will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [come tell me some nice things (or scream and cry, i'm not picky)](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com)


	3. Only Hurt Myself Trying to Hurt You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS WHERE SHIT STARTS GETTING REAL.
> 
> before we begin, i just want to re-iterate that what i write is FICTION and is, in no way, a reflection of how i view any of the boys in real life. i do not think any of them are actually in secret relationships or are secretly hooking up, and i most CERTAINLY do not think louis is a. not freddie's father or b. a terrible father. bottom line, none of what you're about to read (and have read in the past) is real.
> 
> chapter title from No More Sad Songs by Little Mix

**SUMMER**

It's ridiculous, Louis thinks, how he keeps falling back into old habits. He's the one who wanted to keep things normal between himself and Liam, but instead he does everything in his power to avoid seeing Liam whenever he's in LA.

Louis doesn't know when his version of "normal" turned into avoiding texts until hours later with half-arsed excuses and promises of a next time that will never happen. Somewhere along the line he's turned into someone he doesn't recognize, but he can't find it in himself to change back.

He continues to keep Liam at bay for days that turn into weeks, and before Louis knows it, two months have passed since the night Liam came to his house. Two months of dodging texts and calls, two months of lying about plans he didn't actually have. Half the time Louis begs off only to go home and spend the night drinking alone, all the while dodging more questions from Danielle.

There's no denying that their relationship has been strained as of late, and Louis knows it's nobody's fault but his own. She wants him to be honest with her, he knows that she can see right through him when he says nothing is wrong. Still, it doesn't change the fact that this is something Louis just can't bring himself to talk about with anyone, especially not Danielle. How could she possibly understand if some days Louis himself doesn't understand it?

On more than one occasion he considers telling his mum about the whole situation, but every time he gets up the nerve to do it, he can't find the words. Even over the phone he swears she can tell something is wrong but she doesn't press the subject. In the beginning it's a relief, but as time goes on Louis starts to think that maybe he's imagining the concern in her voice as well as the worry in Danielle's eyes.

Maybe he's avoiding offers of help that don't actually exist.

Louis remembers the look on Danielle's face when he snapped at her after she'd suggested going to see Freddie; maybe she's already given up on him. The realization makes it easier for him to start pulling away from her, beginning with another trip to Vegas without her.

He spends the weekend in a familiar haze, hardly knowing where he is or who he's with thanks to all the alcohol he consumes. It's the sort of weekend that feels like it'll never end; that the light at the end of the tunnel is still too far away to see. It lasts through the trip back to LA which leaves Louis with trying to keep the party going long after everyone else has gone home.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Louis knows he's crossed a line that should be worrisome. It's one thing to be drunk for days on end in a place like Vegas, it's quite another to continue it by yourself alone in your house. But there's a louder voice in his head that tells him it doesn't matter, that he's not hurting anyone.

He carries that thought with him for days after, up until one morning when he wakes up after a night of drinking and drives to Briana's house to pick up Freddie. He's sober but hungover, although there's still a stench of alcohol that clings to him even after he's showered. It doesn't keep him from going to see his son, even if in hindsight it should've.

Briana answers the door with a smile that quickly fades when she gets a good look at him, and it turns into a frown when she catches the scent of his night before. He tries to come inside but she stands firm at the door with a scrutinizing look on her face, one that Louis doesn't like the look of at all.

"Have you been drinking?" she asks, her tone not as accusing as it could be given the circumstances, but Louis scoffs at the question anyway.

"I had a few drinks last night," he answers, avoiding looking her in the eye. "I'm a little hungover, but I'm not drunk, Bri, let me in."

"You smell like you slept on the floor of a bar," she says with disgust.

"I took a shower!" Louis groans. "C'mon, let me see Fred."

Briana sighs, tapping her fingers against the door as she takes a minute to think. It's quite possibly the longest minute of Louis' life to date, or at least it's the longest one that Louis chooses to remember.

"You're not taking him out today," she says as she slowly steps aside, "but you can see him."

Louis opens his mouth to argue but thinks better of it, choosing instead to take what he's been offered. He spends a few hours playing with Freddie, acutely aware of Briana keeping an eye on the two of them as though she's expecting Louis to screw up. He knows that it's not meant to be malicious, that she doesn't think he'd do anything stupid on purpose, but it still stings.

He decides to leave when Freddie's about to go down for his afternoon nap, expecting to slip out while Briana's busy, but she catches him before he can make his getaway.

"Don't leave yet, there's something I want to talk to you about."

Louis doesn't groan but it's a near miss as he nods his head and goes to wait in the kitchen. Freddie must fall asleep without too much of a fuss because it's only a few minutes later when Briana comes in.

"So?" he asks as she sits down at the kitchen table next to him.

"You're okay, right?"

Louis falters slightly. "Yeah, of course."

"Like," she sighs, "you'd tell me if you weren't, right? Because, Louis…" Briana shakes her head and sighs again, "this shit can't happen."

"What shit?" Louis frowns, catching on to what Briana was referring to before she explains further. "The fuck, Bri! I told you I wasn't drunk."

"You fucking reeked of that shit when you showed up, Louis, and that's not fucking cool." Briana crosses her arms and Louis doesn't even try not to scowl. "This isn't about you or me, it's about Freddie and you know that."

"Yeah, I do." Louis huffs. "I told you, alright? I'm fine."

Briana stays silent for a few seconds, giving him the same look of scrutiny as she had before before she speaks again. "Okay. If you say so, then I believe you. But you'd better believe me when I say that if you show up like this again, you're not seeing Freddie."

"But… Bri, he's my son too."

"I'm not saying he isn't, you know that. I said this isn't about us, it's about Freddie. And _our_ son shouldn't have to see his father like this, or worse."

Louis goes absolutely quiet at that and the fight drains out of him. She's exactly right and there's no way around it: Louis has been an idiot. He thought he wasn't hurting anyone and now he's gone and hurt himself in the worst way.

Briana reaches out and puts her hand on top of Louis' and squeezes it. "But, you're okay, right?"

"Yeah," Louis answers quickly, pulling himself out of his own head. "It won't happen again, Bri."

"Good." Briana smiles at him and pulls her hand back. "Freddie loves you, Louis. He needs his dad."

Louis' mouth twists into a smile and he ducks his head. "D'you mind if I…?" He gestures towards the other room, waiting for Briana's go-ahead before he gets up from the table.

He tiptoes into Freddie's room and smiles wider when he sees him fast asleep in his crib, looking absolutely perfect. Louis carefully leans over the side of the crib to press a light kiss to Freddie's forehead and brushes his fingers against Freddie's cheek as he straightens up again.

"Your dad's gonna be okay, lad," he murmurs softly.

After he leaves the house, Louis takes a few minutes to himself before he climbs into his car. What Briana said is swirling around his mind and he can't stop thinking about how he's spent the last few months pretending like he's fine and avoiding everything that would prove otherwise. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and is halfway through deciding to call Liam when he stops and realizes he has no idea where Liam is right now.

The last thing he wants to do is psych himself up for mending things with Liam only to find out that Liam's on the other side of the world, asleep and in no shape to have a serious conversation. He opens up a browser instead and googles Liam, expecting someone _somewhere_ to have spotted him recently enough to give Louis an idea of where he is.

He didn't expect the first headline he saw to read " _ONE (HALF) DIRECTION: HARRY STYLES AND LIAM PAYNE SPOTTED HAVING DINNER!_ " Against his better judgment, Louis clicks on the headline and is rewarded with a grainy photo of the two of them going into some restaurant Louis doesn't recognize. He tortures himself further by reading the rest of the poor excuse of a news article, only to discover that they're both in LA.

Every other thought suddenly vanishes from Louis' mind and all he's left with is a feeling of absolute betrayal. He stares at the photo and feels his heart drop into the pit of his stomach as a voice in the back of his head says _he's given up on you, too_.

*

By the time Louis gets back to his house later that evening, having made a trip to a liquor store after leaving Briana's house, it feels like all the color has been drained from his life. He doesn't stop to spare a thought about the house being empty again; any and all thoughts of Danielle not being here are squashed by the all-consuming need to drown himself in the bottom of a bottle.

Two hours ago it might've bothered Louis that his fridge is void of anything but alcohol these days, but now he doesn't give it a second thought as he puts away the two six-packs of beer he'd purchased. He pulls out a bottle from one of the packs, hesitating for a few seconds before he pulls out a second and then shuts the door. He fumbles around in the drawer next to the fridge for his bottle opener before he sits down at the kitchen island. He opens both bottles and tosses the opener aside, bringing the first bottle to his lips before the opener clatters against the countertop.

Louis doesn't set the bottle down until it's empty. He immediately picks up the second and follows suit, draining it within a minute or two.

He waits approximately thirty seconds before he's rummaging around in the fridge again, pulling two more bottles out and returning to his seat. This time he drinks them a little slower, but it's perhaps ten minutes later when they're both empty as well.

Louis groans a little and lays his head down on the countertop, sighing a little in relief at the cool touch against his hot skin. His stomach turns a little from drinking so much in such a short amount of time and he takes several deep breaths with his eyes closed. If he thought that drinking four beers in succession would be enough to block out the article, he was wrong.

He can still see the words in his head: _Harry Styles and Liam Payne spotted having dinner!_

Just one simple sentence makes Louis' stomach turn in a way that has nothing to do with what he's had to drink. No amount of alcohol could screw him up as much as what he's been trying so hard to forget. He doesn't want to feel like this, he doesn't want this jealousy twisting up his insides in a way he can't seem to control.

He stays still for as long as he can bear; wallowing in self-pity as he waits for the beer to go to his head and make him forget. It doesn't work quickly enough for his liking. He gets up and this time, he pulls both six-packs out of the fridge. After taking the last two bottles out of the first pack, he tosses the cardboard sleeve aside and tucks both bottles under his arm. With the second six-pack in one hand and the bottle opener in the other, he heads out of the kitchen and towards the living room.

Louis sets the six-pack down on the coffee table and turns the television on to fill the empty silence as he curls up on the couch. He opens one of the bottles, tucking the other between himself and the couch cushions for safe-keeping. The television is turned to one of a hundred sports channels that were included with his cable package and he watches with mild interest, using it as a distraction as he nurses his fifth beer.

By the time he's cracked open the first bottle from the second six-pack, everything around him starts to feel a little less sharp, the words in his head get a little harder to see. Louis keeps his eyes fixed on the television as he drinks more and more until the words are just a blur and the rest of the bottles are empty.

Hours later, Louis awakes to the sound of an empty bottle clattering to the floor. In his sleepy, still-drunk haze, it brings a crooked smile to Louis' face and he doesn't bother trying to reach for it. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes and glances at the television, catching the time on the ticker along the bottom of the screen. It's close to midnight. He sits up on the couch and the room spins. He lets out a laugh as he clutches his head with one hand and his stomach with the other, knocking another bottle over when his foot bumps against it.

The alcohol had properly hit his system by the time he'd fallen asleep, but now it's slowly starting to wear off. Louis knows this for a fact because one of the first things that pops into his head is _Liam and Harry_.

He groans as he slowly gets up from the couch, swaying a little as he stands on unsteady legs. It takes more effort than he'd like to admit for him to walk back to the kitchen. He can still feel the liquid sloshing around in his stomach but he doesn't make any effort towards making food for himself. The only thing he wants is more alcohol. As far as he's concerned, he'll drink every last drop from every bottle in the house.

His earlier promise to Freddie is nothing more than a wisp of a memory. It had no chance of surviving once he saw the article about Liam and Harry, no matter his earlier good intentions.

Because he's already drunk all of the beer that he bought earlier, Louis opens the door to the freezer where he knows there's a bottle of vodka with his name on it. He cringes as he takes a long drink straight from the bottle. He knows mixing alcohol is bad news; he's done it enough times to know that it never ends well. Still, he takes another sip.

Louis shuffles backwards to lean against the kitchen island and lets the freezer door shut on its own. He stares down at the bottle in his hand and grimaces at it. He doesn't feel any different than he did when he stumbled into the kitchen and he blames the bottle. Why isn't it working?

His anger only grows as he makes his way back towards the living room with the bottle still held tightly in his hand. He stares blankly at the television as he continues to take drink after drink. His mind gets fuzzier as the vodka goes to his head but the anger stays. As the minutes pass, Louis' anger turns away from the alcohol and onto himself.

There must be something wrong with him. It's the only thing that makes sense. He's the one who can't stop thinking about Liam so the problem must lie with him. Liam clearly can function just fine without Louis, that much is true.

This realization hurts more than Louis is willing to deal with at the moment. He drinks so deeply from the bottle that he ends up taking too much at once and nearly choking. He sputters as the vodka sloshes out of the bottle and onto his shirt, giving him something new to be upset about.

"Fucking… _Liam_ ," he grumbles under his breath as he tries to dry his shirt by rubbing his hand over where the vodka splashed.

It's not fair. It's just not _fair_ that Liam gets to live his life all fine and dandy, pretending like nothing ever happened, while Louis is left to deal with everything all on his own. It's not fucking fair.

"It's not fair," Louis says, repeating the sentiment over and over. He keeps saying it even as he brings the bottle back up to his mouth and the words get lost in the last drops that he swallows down. He drops the empty bottle on the cushion beside him and stares straight ahead at the television even though his vision is blurry at best.

The words keep circling his head, egging him on until he reaches his breaking point. From one minute to the next, Louis goes from being angry to _livid_. He shouldn't have to be the only one who has to deal with this. It's only fair that Liam is in just as much pain as he is.

With this in mind, Louis pulls his phone out of his pocket (with only a small amount of difficulty) and angrily jabs at his screen until it unlocks and he pulls up Liam's phone number. He doesn't care that it's nearing one in the morning; if he has to be kept up at night by this, then so will Liam.

But he doesn't answer. Louis' call goes to voicemail and he gets halfway through Liam's cheerful message before he ends the call and dials again without a second thought. Louis smirks to himself, thinking this time he'll get through. This time, Liam will answer.

His call goes to voicemail again. And again, and again, and on Louis' fifth call he decides to leave a message.

"You'd better fucking pick up," he snarls, managing not to slur just from the sheer force of his anger, "I'm just going to keep calling."

He dials Liam's number again and gets sent to voicemail for the sixth time. He leaves another message, yelling at Liam to answer his phone. He continues like this for another five calls, leaving five different messages of varying levels of threats against Liam if he continues to ignore his phone calls.

"Alright, fine," he says on the twelfth message, "you don't wanna answer? That's _fine_." Louis pauses to hiccup, ending the call as he presses the heel of his hand against his forehead. He's worked himself up so much that his heart is racing and there's a decent chance he's going to be sick. He stretches out on the couch, burying his head in the cushions as he takes one deep breath after another.

It's not enough. He still feels the anger thrumming through his veins and it's still just not fucking fair.

"No, you know what?" Louis says, leaving another message on Liam's voicemail, "It's not fine. It's not fi-- d'you know how fucking hard-- d'you know what this is like for me?"

His mind's trying to work harder than the alcohol will let it; his thoughts and words are getting jumbled and it's hard to figure out what he's trying to say when his mouth just keeps moving.

"I don't-- fuck," Louis groans and hangs up. It's getting harder for him to speak clearly and his tongue feels heavy and too big for his mouth.

It doesn't stop him from calling Liam again.

"Y-You just… you don't g-get it. 's easy f'r you. 's not for me." Louis gasps out a breath and tries to hold on to his anger. "I wasn't-- I just-- I didn't… I was try-- fuck, I didn't wanna hurt you." Louis covers his eyes with his free hand and holds back a sob. "It would've been fine, b-but you had to go and… why couldn't you just-- why'd you say we didn't have to… to…"

Louis curses loudly and hangs up again. He presses both of his hands against his eyes, dropping his phone against his chest as he takes a shuddering breath.

_Everything would've been fine if Liam had just fucking forgotten about us like he clearly forgot about Harry._

"You just had to t-talk about it, hmm?" Louis says, his words blending together in the start of another voicemail. He doesn't know how many he's left by now, and he doesn't care. "Couldn't just let it fucking go? And then… just… fucking-- why Harry? It's just-- You-- I don't get… why? Why'd you fuck _Harry_?" Louis spits out the name like he's tasted something foul. "And why'd you have to tell me?"

Louis wishes he had another drink, something to take the edge off. Now that he's started dredging up all these feelings, he regrets ever opening his mouth. He doesn't know how to stop.

"What about the others? Did you fuck them too? Niall and… and even _Zayn_?" He says Zayn's name with even more loathing than he had with Harry's. "What am I-- you probably did. Fuck, everyone knows how you and Zayn--" Louis gulps. "What was I, then? The last on your list? Had to get us all, didn't you?"

Louis stays silent for a long while after he hangs up. His heart is still pounding but his anger is giving way to something he didn't expect: arousal.

He hadn't given much thought to Liam with anyone but Harry before, but now it's all he can think about. He can't help but wonder what they did together; if it was the same as what he and Liam had. How far did they go? Was it just handjobs between mates? Did they actually have _sex_?

A shiver runs down Louis' spine when he thinks about Liam getting fucked by someone else. It's not Harry in his head anymore, just some nameless face pressing Liam into a mattress. He doesn't even know if Liam would like that but now… it's all he wants to find out.

When Louis closes his eyes, flashes of their night together after the BRITs play against his eyelids. He presses his hand against himself and remembers how it felt to have Liam's hand there; how hard Liam sucked when Louis pulled his hair. He wonders if Liam wanted to go further, if he would've had they not both come so quickly.

"Fuck," Louis mutters as he feels his cock start to thicken up. He didn't mean to turn himself on like this. He honestly doesn't even know how it's happening right now, but his cock is quickly getting insistent about needing to be touched.

He tugs the button on his jeans undone and forces the zipper down when he shoves his hand under his pants, wrapping his hand around his cock and moaning at the relief.

It's a matter of seconds between Louis getting the urge to call Liam again and actually doing it. He holds the phone with his left hand, closing his eyes as he listens to the line ring while slowly stroking himself with his right hand. As expected, Liam doesn't pick up.

"Liam," he says through a groan as he twists his wrist in just the right way, "Liam, I-- fuck, I can't stop thinking about it. I have to know. Did you--" Louis inhales sharply and moans, "did you fuck everyone? Were you saving the best for last?"

Louis starts stroking himself faster, moaning into the phone freely. It's twisted, the way he wants Liam to know what he's missing. He's spent the last few months telling himself that it was for Liam's sake that they couldn't be together, and now here he is taunting him.

It doesn't occur to him just how fucked up this is. All he knows is that he's been hurting, and now he wants to hurt Liam.

"You probably didn't-- _god_ , it wasn't anything, was it? Here I've been a fucking wreck and you--" Louis hisses and bucks his hips up; he's getting close to coming. "You're out with Harry. Probably went home with him, didn't you? Started up again, after you had me. God, Liam, you're so…"

Louis trails off into a loud moan as he comes, making a mess of his jeans. He melts into the couch and his left arm falls away to the side, his phone clattering to the floor in the process. He doesn't move an inch to see if the call disconnected.

He leaves it on the floor as he gets to his feet, his hand still wrapped around himself. He stumbles into his bedroom, cleaning himself haphazardly before he falls into bed.

Louis passes out minutes later, his mind entirely blank.

*

There's a ringing in Louis' ears when he wakes up the following day. He drifts into a groggy consciousness slowly, mistaking his reality for a dream when he first tries to open his eyes. He's got half a mind to roll over and go back to sleep, but the ringing persists.

It takes a good five minutes for Louis to realize that the ringing isn't coming from inside his head. It's the sound of his doorbell being held down so it rings over and over.

Louis reaches for his phone, expecting it to be on the bedside table, but all he's met with is the smooth expanse of wood. He grumbles to himself as he reluctantly sits up, leaning over half the bed to get a good look at his bedside table. His phone is nowhere to be seen. And whoever's waiting on the other side of his front door isn't giving up on ringing the doorbell.

"Fucking…" Louis groans as he kicks the duvet off of his feet and climbs out of bed. "Shut up!" he yells, immediately clutching his head afterwards when his own words echo inside his head and set off a splitting headache.

He has no idea what time it is, but judging by the amount of sunlight streaming in through the windows in his living room, it's definitely nearing midday. Louis winces his way through the living room, torn between trying to cover his eyes or his ears. He ends up walking headfirst into a doorway he's passed through a million times before and it just makes him even more irritable.

The doorbell's stopped ringing, giving him a moment of peace to gather his wits and try and stop the pounding in his head. Louis takes a deep breath and leans against the hallway wall, on the verge of gaining his bearings again when the doorbell goes off again.

"I'm fucking coming!" he shouts angrily.

He has no idea who to expect to find on the other side of his front door. He hopes against hope that it's not a fan who's found his house and managed to get in through the gate. The last thing he wants to do is pose for some photo and pretend that their being here isn't a grave violation of his privacy while he's half-awake and ridiculously hungover. He has a hard enough time watching his mouth when he's sober, let alone right now.

When Louis opens the door, he thinks for a moment that this has all been a dream. He must be still in bed right now because there's absolutely no way in hell that Liam is actually standing on his doorstep right now.

Louis rubs his eyes, half-expecting to see his bedroom when he pulls his hands away. But Liam is still there. And he looks _pissed_.

"Liam?" Louis blinks a few times and leans against the door. "What--"

"Where've you been?" Liam asks, sounding more like a demand between his heavy breaths. "I've been calling you all morning, I--"

"I've been asleep," Louis answers, interrupting. "I dunno where my phone is, I…" He stares at Liam and lets out an awkward laugh. "Why are you here? What's going on?"

"You…" Liam scoffs. "Do you seriously not remember?"

"Rememb--" Louis groans and clutches his head. "Liam, 'm exhausted, 'm hungover, can you just get to the fucking point already?"

Liam's frown deepens as he taps the screen of his phone a couple of times and then turns the phone so it's facing Louis. Before he can look down at the screen, Louis hears his own voice coming from Liam's phone speakers and his heart plummets into his stomach.

" _Liam... Liam, I-- fuck, I can't stop thinking about it. I have to know._ "

"What was this, hmm?" Liam asks as the message plays on. Louis' throat has gone dry and he can't stop looking back and forth between the phone and Liam; he doesn't know what to say.

It's his voice, there's no mistaking it. But he doesn't remember saying those things; he doesn't remember calling Liam at all. His stomach turns when he hears himself moan on Liam's voicemail and he shuts his eyes. He can hear his heart pounding in his ears and it feels like the whole world is spinning out of control.

"Stop it, turn it off," Louis says sharply as he clutches his head. Liam does as he asked, but that's nowhere near the end of it.

"Well?" he demands. "D'you wanna tell me what that was all about?"

"I don't…" Louis swallows harshly. "I don't remember."

"Bullshit. Don't give me that, Louis."

"I'm telling you, I don't remember." Louis rubs his eyes roughly. "I had a lot to drink and--"

"Yeah," Liam says with a dark laugh. "I could figure that one out for myself. What, did you think you could just get pissed and shout at me on my voicemail and I wouldn't say anything?"

"No, I--"

"Because you can't, Louis. You can't fucking do that. You can't--" Liam huffs angrily. "You can't _do_ this."

"I don't fucking remember doing it!" Louis shouts. He clutches his head immediately after; it feels like it's about to split in two and all he wants is to crawl back into bed. "I'm not going to stand here and let you shout at me over something I don't even remember doing."

Louis goes to shut the door, right in Liam's face, but Liam slaps his hand against it. Louis should've known better than to think he'd let it shut easily. As much as he hates to admit it, Liam's always been stronger than him. He quickly gives up on trying to keep Liam out, choosing instead to walk away.

"Don't walk away from me!" Liam yells. "We're not finished!"

"Yes, we are," Louis says gruffly in return. He'd have yelled back if not for the searing pain in his head. He's got a bad feeling that it's not going to get any better.

"No, we're not." Liam grabs Louis' arm, yanking on it to bring Louis to a full stop before he can wrench his arm free. "You're going to fucking talk to me whether you like it or not, Louis."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are! I'm sick of this! I'm sick of you ignoring me for weeks on end. I let you get away with it after the BRITs and I even let you get away with it after the last time I came over, but I'm not letting you get away with it this time. Not after you left me _sixteen voicemails_!"

"I told you, I don't remember--"

"You don't remember?" Liam interrupts with another humorless laugh. "Well, then, lucky for us that you planned ahead for that, innit? Because I've got the fucking proof right here!"

He taps the screen of his phone and Louis' voices starts playing in another message; Louis finds the smallest relief in the fact that he doesn't moan at all in this one, but it's quickly outweighed by shame. His voice is ruthless and biting; he sounds angrier in that message than Louis thinks he's ever been with Liam.

And it only gets worse. Liam plays message after message, each one growing more and more furious and threatening when the calls continue to go unanswered. Louis hates himself, both past and present. He doesn't have an excuse for his behavior from last night and he sure as hell doesn't know how to fix it now.

Louis actually winces when he hears the disgust in his voice as he says Zayn's name - " _Fuck, everyone knows how you and Zayn--_ " - and he finally reaches for Liam's phone in an effort to make it all stop. Liam pulls it out of his reach, probably thinking Louis was ten seconds away from smashing it against the wall.

"Well?" Liam asks as he slips his phone into his pocket. "What d'you have to say for yourself?"

"'M sorry," Louis mumbles feebly.

"You're sorry? That's it?"

"What do you want me to say, Liam?"

"I want you to fucking explain yourself! I want you to tell me what made you say all those things. We've barely spoken in _months_ , Louis. What did I do that made you this angry? Do you really hate me this much?"

"No, I--"

"Because--" Liam's voice catches on a sob. "I thought we were past that. I thought… you're my best friend, Louis. I never thought you'd let what happened between us actually destroy our friendship."

"I never said it did, I--"

"It sure as hell sounded like it to me," Liam says. Louis can see the tears in his eyes, he can hear the cries he's holding back in his voice. "You said you were okay, Lou, why'd you lie to me?"

"You don't understand." Louis is shaking his head, trying to make sense of everything he's heard from the night before. He can't think straight with Liam practically crying in front of him and his head still pounding. "You just… you don't understand."

"What? What don't I understand?"

Louis' head is spinning; he can't concentrate on anything at all with the multitude of contradicting thoughts in his mind. There's him and Liam and then also Harry and Niall and Zayn and it's all so confusing and intense that Louis feels like his entire body is about to burst into flames. But even in the midst of all the chaos, there's one thing that rings out over all the rest: _Liam and Harry_.

"It was never just us!" Louis shouts suddenly. He surprises himself just as much as he does Liam, and as soon as the words leave his mouth he wishes he could take them back.

It's not that he didn't mean them, but rather he didn't mean to admit that there was a bigger problem lying just below his surface. He didn't want Liam to know that he'd been hung up on their night together for months; he didn't want Liam to know that he'd been hurt to hear that he wasn't Liam's first boy. But now that it was out in the open, Louis had no idea what was going to happen.

"What do you mean?" Liam asks, the tone of his voice soft and careful.

"Nothing," Louis mutters quickly. "Nothing, Li, just forget it."

Liam exhales sharply and throws his hands up in frustration. "You-- You can't just keep _doing_ this, Louis!"

"Doing what?"

"Lying!" Liam shouts. "You keep saying you're fine and that everything can just be normal, but this isn't fucking normal! You called me almost thirty times last night, Louis, that's not normal!"

"I didn't say--" Louis starts, but Liam's too far into his rant to slow down.

"Yelling at me over my voicemail while you wank isn't fucking normal, Louis. That's not what best mates do. I don't know what's wrong with you, but you've got to fucking stop whatever this is and just talk to me!"

"What does it matter?!" Louis shouts. "You've been avoiding this just as much as I have, so get off your fucking high horse already, Liam. This isn't just about me, and you fucking know that."

"You're the one who's been avoiding me! Every time I've tried to talk to you over the last month, you've begged off! If it's not just about you, then who is it about??"

"I don't have to listen to this," Louis grumbles. "Not in my own fucking house. Get out, Liam."

"No, not until you talk to me."

"I don't want to talk to you!"

"That's too bad! I'm not leaving!"

"Get out!" Louis yells. "Just go! Run back to Harry and suck him off or something, just leave me alone!"

"What?"

All of the anger has melted out of Liam's voice. It sounds like it did before, as though he's on the verge of tears. It breaks Louis' heart to hear that amount of hurt in Liam's voice, but he can't take back anything he's said.

Louis hangs his head so he doesn't have to look Liam in the eye. He doesn't know what else to say; he's surely said enough to have ruined their friendship. He just wants Liam to leave.

"Is that what this was about?" Liam asks. His breathing is heavy, like he's trying to keep himself composed but it's not working. "The calls, the voicemails, all of this… it was about Harry?"

Louis doesn't answer. He doesn't even move.

"You… you can't be mad at me for something that happened a million years ago, Louis, that's not fair."

Louis shuts his eyes and wills Liam to leave. He continues to stay silent.

"Are you really not going to look at me? Is that how this is going to end?"

Louis swallow harshly. Inside his head, he's been repeating _please just go_ for the last few minutes. He can't take much more of this.

"Alright," Liam says, his voice shaky. "I get it. Nothing I say is gonna change your mind so…" He inhales sharply and his voice catches. "I'll just go."

Louis doesn't lift his head until he hears the front door shut. He blinks away the tears in his eyes as he heads for the kitchen, telling himself that this is for the best. All he wants is for his body to feel as numb as his mind does.

*

When the doorbell rings later on that evening, Louis makes no effort to get up to answer it. If it's a delivery, they'll leave it on the doorstep. If it's Liam again, well, then he can stay there all night as far as Louis is concerned; he's certainly not in the mood to get shouted at again.

Louis takes another sip of his drink - he feels the smallest amount of pride in himself for actually pouring some alcohol into a glass and not drinking straight from the bottle today - and settles further into his couch. He's got a pleasant buzz going, one that he's been maintaining fairly well all day thanks to a Postmates delivery of more booze.

He's relieved when the doorbell doesn't keep ringing incessantly like it had when Liam was waiting outside, and Louis assumes it must've been a delivery of some sort.

A few minutes later, his phone vibrates on the coffee table. He'd found it after Liam left and plugged it in, promptly ignoring all of the notifications that popped up after it turned itself back on. It's been silent for hours now.

Louis' curiosity gets the best of him and he snatches it off the coffee table to see that Niall's texted him.

_**open up tommo! it's your old pal nialler** _

Louis frowns down at his phone as he tries to remember if he was supposed to know that Niall was coming by. They haven't talked in a while according to their text thread on Louis' phone, so what's he doing here?

In spite of his better judgment, Louis gets up from the couch and makes his way towards the front door. Somehow he's still surprised to see Niall standing on the other side, even though he knew to expect him there. Louis still isn't entirely convinced that this entire day isn't some bad dream he has yet to wake up from.

"Alright, Tommo?" Niall gives him an easy smile, but Louis finds it hard to return anything even remotely similar.

"What're you doing here?" he asks.

"Thought you might want some company, is all." Niall shrugs. "Can I come in?"

Louis stares at him. He stares long enough that Niall starts to get a little uncomfortable under his gaze, made evident by the way he nervously shifts his weight from one foot to the other.

"C'mon, Lou," he says, his tone going gentle and soft, "'m freezing my nuts off out here, lemme in."

Louis rolls his eyes as he steps aside, letting Niall come through the door before he shuts it.

"It's fucking September in LA," he says snidely, "how are you freezing? You're a disgrace to your kind, you are."

"Shut up," Niall says as he rubs his bare arms. He's only wearing a t-shirt and jeans, but Louis feels no sympathy towards him. It's surely warm enough outside that he shouldn't be shivering like he is. "'M used to the heat during the day, but the night still gets me."

Louis hums thoughtfully as he takes another sip from his glass, swirling the ice around as he swallows. Niall's eyes dart back and forth between Louis' and the glass in his hand, and Louis looks away when Niall tries to meet his eyes a second time.

"Fancy a pizza?" Niall asks.

"What?" Louis laughs a little, taken aback by Niall's question.

"'M feeling like pizza. Definitely one, maybe two." Niall starts wandering down the hallway towards Louis' kitchen. "Where's the menu from the last time?"

Louis doesn't even answer, he just follows Niall into the kitchen. It's oddly familiar, the way Niall rummages around in Louis' kitchen until he finds what he's looking for. Louis sits down on one of the stools and polishes off the rest of his drink while Niall calls in an order for two pizzas.

There's a stilted silence when Niall hangs up, and it makes Louis itch to have another drink in his hands. Even though he's staring at the counter, Louis knows Niall's looking at him. He can feel Niall's eyes boring holes in him.

"What're you doing here, Niall?" Louis asks again. He hopes maybe this time he'll get a straight answer.

Niall lifts one shoulder in a shrug. "Like I said, thought you might want some company."

Louis laughs again, but this time it's half-hearted at best. "Spoken to Liam, then?"

"He called." Niall pauses. "You okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Louis says quickly as he looks up, and Niall shrugs again.

"Just a question, Tommo. Just wanna make sure one of my best mates isn't hurting."

Louis watches as Niall's eyes drop down to the empty glass sitting on the counter and Louis quickly picks it up.

"'M fine," he says as he goes to the fridge to refill his glass. He's reaching towards the bottle of vodka when he hears Niall's voice from behind him.

"Got any beers in there?"

Louis glances back at Niall over his shoulder and sees that Niall's smiling at him, just like old times. Instead of grabbing the vodka, Louis grabs two beers from a lower shelf and shuts the fridge door. He sets his glass down near the sink before passing one of the beers to Niall and sitting back down.

Once both bottles are open, Niall holds his out towards Louis for a clink, the two of them murmuring a soft _cheers_ before they each take a sip.

"Been in the studio a lot this week," Niall says, easy as anything.

"Yeah?" Louis looks up.

"Yeah," Niall says with a bashful smile. "Reckon I might have a full album soon."

"Yeah?" Louis repeats, this time with a smile. It comes so easily that Louis doesn't even realize he's doing it. "Got anything I can hear?"

Niall smiles wider as he pulls out his phone, and Louis feels himself truly relax for the first time all day. It's easy, being with Niall. As he listens to Niall's song, he realizes just how much he missed it, and it hurts to think that he's lost this with Liam. Louis takes another sip of his beer, telling himself that what's done is done. There's no going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [if you wanna cry, i'll hold your hand and tell you it's all gonna be okay](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com)


	4. Get Me Out Of This Place Before I Cause More Damage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if all goes according to plan, there will be one more chapter after this one. i know it's been a rough go of things, but by the end of this chapter i _promise_ , things are going to get better.
> 
> also, if you're interested, [here's](https://open.spotify.com/user/1255229094/playlist/4ru5FOT5n7gfGiwW5Cvl0m) a playlist of songs i tend to listen to when i'm writing this.
> 
> chapter title from Running From Lions by All Time Low

**FALL**

Life goes on, but things don't appear to get any better. There's this sinking weight in Louis' chest that keeps growing heavier with each passing day, but even the pain isn't enough to get Louis to admit that he's the one with the problem. His anger keeps growing, turning his insides black with loathing. He can't stand to be around anyone else because all he feels is their eyes on him, and he's paranoid that all it'll take is one look to see exactly what he's hiding.

He deletes Liam's phone number from his phone, and Harry's too, just out of spite. He considers changing his own number for good measure until he thinks about the number of people he'd have to tell about the change, and then decides it's not worth the trouble. His mum always gets worried when he has to change his number, never lets it go with a simple text. Louis knows for sure that she'd call and he just _can't_ lie to his mum.

Truth be told, Louis has been avoiding her texts and calls as much as everyone else's. It's not necessarily on purpose at first; there's a span of three or four days that Louis consistently forgets to charge his phone and as a result, he misses multiple calls and messages from several different people. He tries to keep up but after a while he succumbs to the conclusion that it's just easier to let the phone calls go unanswered, the texts left unread.

A month goes by with Louis hardly knowing what day it is, let alone that he's already spent this long shutting everyone out. To him, the argument with Liam happened maybe two days ago. It still feels so fresh in his mind that he can't fathom the truth. The anger that regularly courses through his mind seems to have no end, and it only makes things worse.

It should come as no surprise when Danielle tells Louis she's leaving. She's hardly been around as it is, what with her filming schedule, as far as Louis knows. Still, he has no idea that she means _for good_ until he sees her bags packed and ready to go.

"What d'you mean, you're leaving?" he asks, rubbing his eyes as Danielle looks at him with sad eyes and a frown. She's fully dressed, standing next to the bed where Louis is only just waking up. His head doesn't ache but there's a definite fuzz to his thoughts that's been there since Liam walked out the door. His mouth tastes dry and stale, and he already has a desire for a drink.

"I'm moving in with a friend," she says. "I can't stay here anymore, Louis."

"What're you talking about?" He tries reaching out for her but she pulls away before he can even get close. "What friend? Why?"

"Louis," she says solemnly, "you know why."

It should hurt, it should make Louis hang his head and admit all that he's done wrong. It should make him want to get better. All it does is make him want that drink even more.

"You don't have to go," he says instead. "Or I could go with you. We could go somewhere, together."

"No, Louis," she says. "We can't."

"Why not?" he asks, his underlying anger starting to peek through. "It's the weekend, we could--"

"It's Tuesday," Danielle corrects, her voice catching. "God, Louis, do you really not even know what day it is?"

"No, I…" Louis breaks off to sit up, pressing his hand against his eye as he rubs it again. "I know what fucking day it is."

"Do you?" Danielle asks. "Tell me something, when was the last time you saw Freddie?"

Louis doesn't answer.

"Or what about, when was the last time you left the house at all?" Danielle's voice is on the edge of hysterical, but Louis is barely even listening. "You don't know, do you?"

"What does it matter?" Louis snaps.

"It matters to me!" Danielle cries. "And it should matter to you! You've been like this for _weeks_ , Louis, don't you care?"

"It hasn't been _weeks_ ," Louis says. He watches as her face falls even further and finally, he starts to doubt himself. He struggles to remember what day it is; he knows she said it was Tuesday, but which Tuesday is it? God, he doesn't even know if it's still September.

When he speaks again, his voice is quiet. "Has it?"

Danielle inhales sharply and as she turns her head Louis can see the tears in her eyes. He hangs his head; out of the corner of his eye he catches the movement of her arm as she reaches up to wipe away her tears.

"I tried, Louis," Danielle says. Her voice is wavering but she doesn't let it stop her. "I tried to get you to talk to me, I pulled you up off the floor more times than I ever want to remember, but you just keep pushing me away. I can't do this anymore." She takes a deep breath. "I can't watch you destroy yourself."

"I'm fine," Louis replies. "I'm not _destroying_ myself."

"Aren't you?"

Louis looks up and their eyes meet for a moment before he looks away again. He can't even keep eye contact long enough to keep up the lie.

"I'm sorry I can't be the one to help you," Danielle says, her voice shaking with every single word. "I wish I was."

"I don't need any help," Louis says firmly. "I'm fine."

Danielle takes a breath and for a moment, Louis thinks she's going to start in again. But she doesn't. She turns away from him and picks up her bag, leaving the room without another word. Louis doesn't move a muscle until he hears the front door close behind her, and even then all he does is fall to the side onto his bed.

It doesn't even smell like Danielle. He closes his eyes and tries to remember the last time she slept beside him in his bed, but he can't. His memory is just one large blur; the only thing he can pick out for sure is the night Liam left.

Louis rolls onto his back and sighs sharply. Is he doomed to forever remember that one night and nothing else? All he wants to do is forget it.

He pulls himself out of bed not too long after and goes into the kitchen, the only familiar action he's got in his mind. He needs this, his mouth feels too dry. The fuzz in his head is starting to give way to a headache and he can't have that. A headache means a hangover, and a hangover means he's sobering up.

Louis can't face himself sober. In the harsh light of day, his sober self is too much to bear.

*

Another week passes without Louis taking even the slightest initiative to try and better his own situation. He reasons with himself that this is his way of mourning the end of his relationship with Danielle. It's only natural, and he's only human. At least with this new excuse, he finally lets himself admit that he's in pain. He misses Danielle, that's for sure. He misses her smile, her laugh, and all the other little things that made him fall for her in the first place.

He drinks more to forget that it's his fault that she left. He doesn't think about the fact that it's because of his drinking that she ended up leaving him. It's too close to taking responsibility for his actions, which is something he's just not ready to do. Because once he starts, he'll have to own up to all he's done wrong.

How can he possibly try and fix everything he's screwed up in the last six months if he can't even admit to himself that it's all his fault?

The cycle seems to be doomed to repeat itself, until one night where something that Danielle said suddenly sticks in Louis' mind and refuses to go back into the depths of his memory: how long _has_ it been since he last saw Freddie?

It didn't mean anything when she first said it; Louis was too preoccupied with being angry to realize that she was pointing out something he'd failed to remember. As it finally hits him now, more than a week later and probably well over six weeks since the last time he held Freddie, Louis nearly has a complete breakdown right then and there.

He buries his head in his hands and heaves raspy breaths as he fights back tears. He never meant for this to happen. He made a promise to himself when Freddie was born, he was going to be a good father. He was always going to be around when Freddie needed him, and he would be there even when he wasn't needed, because that's what fathers are supposed to do. He can't believe he broke that promise; he hates himself for turning into someone so selfish, so self-absorbed that he cares more about himself and the problems he's created all on his own than he does his own son.

Louis stares at the half-drunk glass in front of him for a solid minute before he gets up and takes it in his hand, heading straight for the kitchen sink to pour it out. He watches the liquid go down the drain before he rinses the glass and fills it with water. As he slowly drinks from the glass, he remembers the last words he said to Freddie. He remembers the promise he made to him; how he swore he'd be okay.

If for no one else, Louis knows he has to be okay for Freddie.

When he wakes up the next morning, he's sober. It's a strange feeling, to be sure, and it's hard to ignore the pull inside himself to pour a drink; _just one_ , the voice says, _to settle your nerves. What harm could one small drink do?_

Louis tries to resist the temptation, he really does. But within ten minutes, he's seeing and remembering things he's spent the last month and a half trying to drink away and it's no use. He has to have a drink.

"Just one," he tells himself. "Just one, to set your head straight."

With one sip, Louis already feels better. He drinks an entire glass as though it were water, and feels an enormous weight lifted as his head gets that numb, fuzzy feeling he's grown so accustomed to. Before he realizes he's done it, he's poured a second glass and drunk it. He tries to be angry with himself, but it's hard when it's done exactly what he wanted: it's quieted the voices in his head, the demons he's created. It's what he needed.

Now, Louis reasons, he can give his full attention to Freddie.

It's been ages since he's been outside, longer since he's taken his car out. He feels excited for the first time in days, daring even to feel _happy_. The drive to Briana's seems to take no time at all, and before he knows it, he's parked in the driveway and ready to knock on the door. He hopes that Briana will be happy that he's shown up, rather than annoyed or upset that he didn't call beforehand.

The moment she opens the door, the look on Briana's face changes from surprise to downright fury in nothing flat, and Louis thinks that maybe he should've called.

"What are you doing here?" she asks, keeping the door open only just enough that Louis can see her, not enough to let him in or even see past the doorway.

"I'm here to see Freddie," Louis replies, trying to keep things light.

"That's new," Briana says darkly.

"Look, I know I haven't been around, but--"

"Yeah? But what? Are you going to say you've been busy? Been out of town?" Briana scoffs. "Or are you going to come up with some other lie?"

"Bri, I--"

"What, you think I don't know you've been holed up in your house, drinking yourself stupid? Did you think I wouldn't find out?"

"It's not like that, I--"

"It's exactly like that! You haven't answered a single call or text for _weeks_ , Louis! And now you show up here with a smile and think I'll let you in and pretend like everything is fine?" Briana shakes her head. "You've got to be fucking kidding."

She starts to close the door, but Louis catches it with his arm.

"Briana, you can't--"

"I warned you, Louis." Briana's eyes flash with anger. "I told you that Freddie needs you, you're his father. But he doesn't need this. If you're going to be in his life then you need to _be here_ all the time you can, not just when you fucking feel like it, or when you run out of booze."

"I'm not fucking drunk, Briana!"

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?!" Briana shouts. "Do you think I can't smell it on your fucking breath right now?"

"It was just--" Louis groans. "I'm fine, Briana. Let me see my son."

"No," Briana says firmly. "I told you, you're not seeing Freddie like this. I gave you a second chance, Louis, and you blew it."

"You can't do this!" Louis yells. "You can't keep Freddie from me!"

A cry echoes from inside the house and both of them immediately recognize the source: it's Freddie. Louis tries to push his way through the door, but Briana holds it steady.

"You have a problem, Louis," she says over the sound of Freddie's cries. "You need help."

"I don't need help, I don't have a problem, I need to see my son."

" _My_ son is fine. My mom's got him." Briana sighs. "Look, Danielle told me you two split up."

"She what?" Louis stares at her. "When?"

"Does it matter?" Briana shakes her head. "The point is, you can't keep shutting everyone out and then expect them to welcome you back with open arms. It doesn't work like that. You need help, Louis, you can't get better on your own."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Louis says, "I'm fine, I don't need--"

"Stop lying! Stop it!" Briana shouts. "This is why Danielle left, you know, because you _refuse_ to even admit that there's something wrong, even when it's right in front of your face!"

"There's nothing wrong," Louis says as he shakes his head. "You're wrong, Danielle's wrong, Li-- you're all wrong!"

"Are we?" Briana asks calmly. "Don't you think, maybe, if more than one person is telling you something's wrong, then they're probably onto something?"

Louis hangs his head.

"Do you remember when I asked you if you were okay?" Briana sighs. "You told me you were fine. I believed you. Do you…" Her voice catches. "Do you even _care_ how stupid I feel for believing you?"

Louis doesn't look up.

"Freddie needs you, Louis, but not like this. I'm sorry, but I can't let you see him."

This time, Louis doesn't try and stop her from closing the door. He walks back to his car and drives away, only making one stop before he heads home: a liquor store.

He doesn't even wait until he's inside his house before he cracks open the first bottle. He doesn't bother putting the others into his refrigerator, he just brings them along to his bedroom. As he lays down with the bottle in his hand, the last of his resolve crumbles away into nothing.

He's lost his best friend, his girlfriend, and now his son. He's got nothing left to lose.

*

This time around, when Louis loses all track of time, it's deliberate. He wants to forget everything as quickly as he possibly can. He spends the majority of his time in bed, only bothering to get up for one of three reasons: he needs to piss, he needs to replenish his stock of alcohol, or he needs to answer the door to accept a delivery. In addition to the number of empty bottles that litter the floor of his bedroom, multiple takeaway containers and pizza boxes are carelessly strewn about. To anyone else, it would seem as though he's genuinely lost all interest in taking care of himself.

The thing is, deep down Louis knows his behaviour is self-destructive and unacceptable. It's just easier for him to keep barreling down this path to nowhere than it is to try and pick himself back up.

One evening, when Louis is staring at the contents of his refrigerator and trying to focus long enough to figure out what he wants to order today, the doorbell rings. At first, Louis thinks he's imagined the sound entirely. He waits a few seconds for it to happen again, and when it doesn't, he chalks it up to hearing things. Instead of making a decision about food, he snatches a new bottle from the top shelf of the refrigerator and shuts the door, deciding he'll order food later… maybe.

Just as he's passing through the hallway that leads down towards the front door, he hears the doorbell ring again. He pauses mid-step and stares down the hallway as though someone's already caught him in the act of doing something naughty. Nobody's been inside his house since Danielle left; the only people he's seen as of late have been those who work for Postmates. He stands frozen for maybe another minute before he starts to slowly venture towards the door, flinching when the bell rings again.

It's Niall. Louis curses under his breath when he recognizes him through the peephole in his front door. He's holding a bottle of vodka in his hand, for fuck's sake, Niall can't see him like this. He quickly stashes the bottle in the corner of his entryway and checks his reflection in the mirror. He looks absolutely awful and he's genuinely revolted by his own appearance. He supposes it's his own fault; he's been avoiding mirrors as much as he's been avoiding taking a shower.

He steels himself for the worst before he opens the door, and he catches the look of surprise on Niall's face for a split second before he quickly replaces it with a broad grin.

"Louis!" he says joyfully. Louis almost wishes that Niall had looked at him with disgust, instead. At least then perhaps he would feel so suspicious of Niall being here in the first place.

"Niall, what're you doing here?"

"I just got back," he answers. "I tried texting, even called you a few times. You didn't answer."

Louis winces. His phone's been dead for days and he unplugged the landline back when Danielle was still around. He briefly wonders how many other people have tried to get in touch with him, but he stops himself before the thought can fully blossom.

"Sorry," he murmurs. "Been busy."

"Yeah? Been working on the world record for days gone without showering?" Niall chuckles. "You're rank, mate."

"Shut up," Louis replies. It's almost enough to make him smile, so reminiscent of the old days. But when Louis lets himself swell on that for just a moment too long, it all starts coming back to him. His fingers itch to retrieve the bottle from the corner. "So, uh," Louis clears his throat, "did you want something?"

Niall blinks. "Do I have to want something from you? Can't I just want to see my friend?"

"No, I just…" Louis shakes his head, his next question coming out of his mouth before he can stop it. "Did Danielle put you up to this?"

"What?" Niall laughs uneasily. "No, why? Did something happen--"

"No," Louis answers quickly. "Well, yes, she… it doesn't matter."

"Lou…"

"She left, is all." Louis shrugs. "I'm alright."

"D'you wanna talk about it?"

"No," Louis says.

"Okay." Niall glances around and whistles absentmindedly. "So… I can come in, or…?"

Louis hesitates, his grip on the door tightening further. Niall knows that Louis is no stranger to mess, but his normal mess is clothes and shoes left everywhere, not empty bottles. He must hesitate too long, because Niall speaks again before Louis can make up his mind.

"Or we could go out," he offers with a jab of his thumb over his shoulder. "Provided you wash first, mate."

"Yeah," Louis blurts out. "Okay. Give me ten minutes, alright?"

He shuts the door on Niall without even waiting to hear Niall agree.

"Okay!" Niall shouts through the door. "I'll, uh, I'll wait out here."

Louis grabs the bottle he stashed earlier before he turns away from the door and walks towards the master bathroom. A good quarter of the bottle is gone by the time he gets there. He doesn't bring it into the shower with him, although that doesn't mean he doesn't stop to consider it.

As he stands under the spray of hot water, he can't help but wonder whether or not Niall truly doesn't have any ulterior motive. He knows Niall usually has the best intentions and he's loyal to a fault, but this all seems just too convenient for Louis' liking. He can't shake this feeling of distrust that he's had ever since Briana told him that she'd spoken to Danielle. They'd met before, obviously, but he never even fathomed the idea that they'd ever speak to each other on their own. He couldn't help but feel betrayed by the both of them. If they were both going to follow in Liam's footsteps and leave, couldn't they have done it quietly?

Louis groans and mutters under his breath as he washes his hair, probably already gone over the ten minute limit that he'd promised Niall. He foregoes even attempting to do anything with his hair after he gets out of the shower, he just pulls on a beanie after digging out a clean shirt and a pair of trackies from his closet. He hopes Niall doesn't expect him to go anywhere fancy, he doesn't have the patience for snobbery today.

Niall smiles at him when he opens the front door again, having hardly moved from when Louis closed the door in his face.

"Ready?" Niall asks. Louis offers a haphazard smile, not trusting himself to say yes if he opens his mouth. The "as I'll ever be" goes without saying, judging by the way Niall's smile softens rather sadly before he turns and starts walking towards his car.

Louis doesn't ask where they're going, and Niall doesn't offer any information. They're both silent as Niall leaves Louis' driveway, the only sound in the car coming from the radio. Not long after they drive out of Louis' neighborhood does he start wishing he'd brought the bottle along with him, or a flask at least. He's in the middle of wondering where they're going and what sort of alcohol will he be able to get when he realizes that Niall's broken the silence and said something… and he's missed it entirely.

"What?" he says, sitting up in the passenger seat and clearing his throat. "Sorry," he adds rather sheepishly, "missed that."

"I said, how've you been?" Niall laughs a little, glancing at Louis for a moment before turning his gaze back to the road ahead. "Been a while since I saw you last."

"Your birthday," Louis says, already dodging the question. "Was a good night, that."

"Don't remember much of it, to be honest." Niall laughs again, a genuine sound that should be music to Louis' ears. Instead it ties his stomach in knots and he feels like he can't speak a word. He's filled with regret for agreeing to leave his house; he never should've answered the door in the first place.

"So?" Niall asks. "Been writing at all?"

"A bit," Louis answers.

It's a lie. He hasn't written a word or note since his last writing session with Liam. He hasn't even thought about writing because it was too close to thinking about Liam.

Niall clears his throat and it pulls Louis out of his thoughts before he can fall back down the inevitable rabbit hole that's been living in ever since Liam left.

Louis chances a look at Niall out of the corner of his eye and Niall's mouth is twisted as though he's trying not to frown. Louis darts his eyes back towards the window and wracks his brain for an innocuous topic they could talk about.

"How was the promo tour?" he asks. It's the barest of bare minimums, and truth be told, he's not even sure if he really wants to know. It stings, in a way, knowing that Niall's out there doing it all on his own while Louis has been, well, falling apart at the seams.

It makes him wonder if he really is nothing without the rest of the lads; how pathetic he'd seem to them and to the rest of the world if they knew.

"Good. Weird, like. Different." Niall shrugs. "I have to talk a lot more. Can't go relying on one of you lot to answer for me."

"But it's good?" Louis presses.

"Yeah." Niall smiles at him. "Missed it, you know? Having time off is grand and all, but… I dunno. I missed it."

"Proper celebrity, aren't you?" Louis teases. "Need a little limelight, do you?"

"Not like that," Niall says with a laugh. "You know that, Tommo. It's just… what's the point in writing songs if nobody hears 'em, you know? I just missed connecting with people through the music. Didn't realize how much I'd miss it 'til it was over."

"It's not, though. Not really." Louis pauses. "Is it?"

"Nah," Niall's quick to say. Louis knew he would be. Out of all of them, it's common knowledge that Niall's ready at the drop of a hat to pick it all up again; go on tour for another five straight years. It should be strange that he was the first to release his own music, Louis thinks briefly, but it's not.

Niall was born for this, all of it; the good, the bad, and everything in between. The longer Louis dwells on the idea, he can't help but think the same about Liam and Harry, too. But that leaves him to wonder about himself. If they could all do it, could he? Or would it all blow up in his face, like everything else has?

Louis isn't given the chance to dwell on these thoughts for too long, because Niall pulls up to the valet station of a restaurant Louis is surprised to see that he actually recognizes, and the two of them have to get out of the car. He assumes that Niall must've called ahead, once he'd agreed to leave his house, because they wait approximately fifteen seconds before they're led to a table towards the back.

Even though not one single head turns towards them as they walk to their table, Louis can't shake the feeling that he's being watched.

He orders a drink as soon as their waiter comes over, and Niall seems taken aback for a moment by Louis' sense of urgency. He ends up ordering a beer for himself and Louis breathes a soft sigh of relief. At least he's not drinking alone.

The problem is that the glass he's served is far smaller than the ones he pours for himself at home (when he uses a glass at all), and he doesn't quite know how he's going to cope with this. Niall is surely going to notice how many he's going to have, sooner or later. Panic starts to bubble under the surface the more he thinks about it; he never should've agreed to this.

"What're you thinking?" Niall asks, peeking over the top of his menu.

Louis bristles. "What d'you mean?"

"Food-wise," Niall says plainly, as though it should've been obvious. He lays his menu down flat on the table and hums to himself before voicing his possibilities for the meal.

Louis doesn't even listen, he's too busy being half relieved and half annoyed at himself for jumping to conclusions. If he continues to be paranoid, this whole night is bound to go up in flames.

When the waiter comes around again to take their order, Louis ends up picking the first thing on the menu that catches his eye. He's also finished his first drink by then and takes the opportunity to order another.

"And keep 'em coming," he murmurs to the waiter, hoping Niall doesn't hear him. He avoids eye contact even after the waiter leaves, and the air between them is stilted and awkward in a way it's never been before.

"I know I asked this already, but…" Niall sighs heavily and Louis braces himself. He knows what's coming. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," Louis replies. "Why wouldn't it be?"

Before Niall can say anything, the waiter comes by with Louis' second drink and it takes everything in him not to knock it back in one fell swoop. He wraps his hand around the glass in a tight grip, willing it not to shake as he brings the glass to his mouth and takes a long sip. Niall's face falls as he watches Louis do this, and Louis clears his throat as he puts his glass down.

"Dunno what you've heard, Niall, but I'm fine."

"That's just it, Lou - nobody's heard from you. When I couldn't get through, I asked Liam if he'd talked to you recently and he--"

"I told you, I've been busy," Louis interrupts. Hearing Liam's name lights a spark of anger in his chest and he fights the urge to pick his glass up again. "Just because I miss a few calls and texts, I…" he laughs hollowly. "Doesn't mean anything."

"Yeah, but…" Niall huffs. "I'm worried, Tommo. Have you talked to anyone, lately?"

"Like who?"

"I dunno, anyone? Oli or Calvin? Briana? Your mum?" Niall shrugs. "Y'know, the people who care about you?"

"'Course I have," Louis lies. "Saw Bri and Freddie just the other day."

"Yeah?" Niall's face brightens. "How is he? Got any new pictures?"

Louis falters. "Left my phone at home. I'll, uh, send some to you, though."

"See that you do." Niall smiles a little. "He's what, nine months, now?"

"Yeah," Louis says, his voice cracking a little. He hasn't seen Freddie in so long, who knows how much he's changed. He might not even remember his own dad, it's been so long.

Louis tries to clear his throat as he starts getting choked up, but he can't manage it as subtly as he'd like. He tries to hide it by taking another sip from his glass, but once the alcohol hits his lips he can't make himself put it back down until the glass is empty.

"Lou?" Niall's face softens and he frowns. "Louis, you okay?"

"I'm fine," Louis answers, a hard edge to his voice. He's sick of the question, he's tired of the pity on Niall's face, he just wants it to stop. "I just don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"About… what?" Niall gives him a confused look. "D'you mean Freddie?"

"Yes, Freddie." Louis huffs irritably. "I don't want to talk about Freddie."

"But why not? He's your son, Lou, I would think--"

"I'm not allowed to see him, alright?" Louis says sharply. "I haven't seen him in months, so just fucking drop it, alright?"

"What?" Niall's mouth drops open in shock. "Louis, what--"

"I said, I don't want to talk about it." Louis turns his head so he doesn't have to look at Niall and he breathes in deeply. "Just leave it alone. I'm handling it."

"Alright," Niall says carefully. "We can, um, we can talk about something else."

The conversation during their meal is half-hearted at best; Niall's too afraid of saying the wrong thing and Louis just wants to go back home. The only saving grace is that they're not bothered at all while they're in the restaurant, and somehow no paparazzi get wind of their location so they aren't bombarded with camera flashes when they leave.

Louis stays entirely silent on the drive back to his house. Niall makes occasional comments, mostly to himself regarding the amount of traffic. Even if he never addresses Louis directly, he knows Niall's still trying to include him. He can feel Niall's eyes on him multiple times but he never offers a look in return. As far as Louis is concerned, the sooner this is all over, the better.

He unbuckles his seatbelt as they're waiting for his gate to open, and the clink of metal catches Niall's attention.

"I'm pretty tired," Louis says as Niall drives past the gate and into the driveway. "Think I'll turn in early."

"Okay," Niall says slowly as the car comes to a stop. "Louis--"

"Good to see you, Nialler. We'll talk soon," he says quickly, opening his door and climbing out of the car the moment it comes to a full stop. He's halfway to his front door by the time Niall manages to even open his own door, and he's inside with the door shut behind him before Niall can even make it across the driveway.

Louis leans against the door for a few minutes, breathing hard as he waits to hear the scrape of gravel under Niall's tires as he leaves. He wasn't sure if Niall would leave, if he'd give up that easy. It's a relief, if only a mild one.

The bottle is right where Louis left it, waiting for him to pick it up and drink his fill. He climbs into bed with it clutched tightly in his hand, like a security blanket that he just can't give up. He closes his eyes as he drinks and he wonders how long it'll take for him to forget tonight, too.

*

Louis doesn't expect Niall to show up again. Or, at the very least, he assumes Niall will try and text him before he just appears at Louis' front door. For the first time in weeks, Louis is diligent in keeping his phone charged so he'll be prepared in case Niall does text him. His diligence doesn't go far enough to answer any other calls or texts that come through, but Louis just isn't ready.

 _Baby steps_ , he tells himself. He'll deal with the outside world again when he's good and ready, and not a minute before. He's all but perfected the art of being a hermit by now, the magic of the digital age making it infinitely easier for Louis to not have to leave his house at all.

The most he does is lay out by his pool, taking naps in the warm sunlight that last for several hours at a time. He's woken up in the middle of one, the shrill sound of his doorbell interrupting a perfectly good dream that's gone the moment he opens his eyes. He's groggy and sluggish as he reaches for his phone, confused even further when he has no messages. He decides to just ignore it, thinking whoever it is will eventually give up and leave him alone if he doesn't answer.

He's right, as far as the doorbell ringing goes. It stops after the fourth ring, and Louis smiles to himself as he shifts around on his lounger in an effort to find the same sweet spot that he'd had earlier that let him fall asleep so easy. But then his phone buzzes twice in succession, clattering against the glass of the table it rests on. Louis groans loudly, intending to put his phone on do not disturb when he sees Niall's name on his screen. Curiosity wins out over the panic Louis feels at the sight, and he unlocks his phone to read the texts.

_**let me in tommo** _

_**i know you're in there** _

Louis swallows deeply and glances over his shoulder towards the house behind him, even though he knows full well that Niall couldn't possibly see him. He puts his phone down and stares at it with wary eyes, as though it's about to sprout legs or something equally horrifying. A minute or so goes by before it buzzes with another text from Niall, and Louis reaches for it immediately.

_**i'm not going anywhere. c'mon, lou. open the door.** _

_**why are you here**_ , Louis texts back.

 _ **wanted to see you**_ , Niall's reply says. The bubble indicating Niall's composing another text pops up, and Louis waits to see what else Niall's got to say. Whatever it is, Louis doesn't expect it to be able to convince him to open the door.

_**got someone else here who wants to see you too** _

_**who??**_ Louis texts, his mind offering any number of possibilities that make his heart race.

_**open the door and you'll see** _

Louis groans loudly. Niall's won, and he knows it. Still, not one to give up so easy, Louis takes his sweet time in reaching the door. He looks through the peephole, hoping that maybe he can foil Niall's plan and see who else is out there, but it's no use. The only one standing on his doorstep is Niall.

Louis pauses, wondering if Niall lied about bringing someone along and if so, why? The uncertainty is almost enough to make Louis turn around and not open the door; to ignore Niall's texts until he goes away. But… once again, curiosity gets the better of him.

There's a smile on Niall's face when Louis opens the door, but it looks strained. Louis wonders if this is just as uncomfortable for Niall as it is for him, and why he's even here in the first place.

"Hey, Tommo."

"Nialler," Louis says as he looks around. "Thought you said you brought someone with you."

"I did," Niall says, gesturing behind him and Louis hears a car door open and shut, and then footsteps approaching on the gravel driveway.

He curses Niall for parking far enough away from his front door that he can't tell who's coming until it's too late. Panic sets in and it's as though Louis has been dunked into a tub full of ice water as a thought suddenly pops into his head: what if Niall's brought Liam?

When the mysterious guest finally comes into view, Louis is relieved to see that it's not Liam at all. However, his relief is instantly replaced by anger, because Niall's brought _Harry_.

"Nope," Louis says immediately as he tries to turn around and go back inside. But Niall must've been expecting it because he's quick to step just far enough across the threshold that Louis can't close the door.

"Louis," he says, his voice echoing the effort it takes to use his body to hold the door open against Louis' attempts to shut it. "We're just here to talk. We want to help you."

"I don't need any help," Louis grunts. He's holding his own against Niall well enough, but if Harry starts trying to get in too, well, Louis knows he won't come out the winner.

"C'mon, Lou," Harry says in a soft, gentle voice, the kind he uses when he's talking to a child. Louis' heard it often enough over the years to recognize it immediately, and it does the opposite of what Harry probably intended for it to do: it makes Louis even angrier.

"Fuck off," he spits, letting go of the door so abruptly that Niall stumbles and nearly falls over. "What d'you think you're playing at, just showing up here like this? 'M not some project the two of you have to work on to clear your conscience, alright? I said I was fine and I fucking meant it, so piss off already and leave me alone."

"To do what?" Niall says. "Drink? Can't you see that you have a problem, Lou?"

"The only problem I have is two knobheads showing up where they're not wanted," Louis replies nastily.

"I don't give a shit!" Niall shouts. "You can stand there and call me names and say you're fine 'til you're fucking blue in the face, I'm still gonna be here, trying to help you."

"I don't want your help!"

Niall shakes his head, laughing under his breath as Louis stares him down.

"Y'know, I thought it was weird when I called Liam up last week and he wouldn't agree to help. He said you wouldn't listen to him."

"Don't," Louis says in a low, warning tone.

"I just couldn't understand," Niall goes on. "The two of you were thick as thieves, could hardly ever get you apart and now…"

"Niall," Louis warns again.

"He said you two haven't spoken in months. _Months_! I couldn't wrap my head around it at all, but now… now I think it's finally starting to make sense."

"Yeah?" Louis challenges, his breathing heavy. "And what sense would that be, hmm?"

They stare at each other for a solid minute, but Niall stays quiet. Louis starts to laugh, the sound coming out hysterical and a tad frantic, and he can't seem to stop. He's caught Niall in a lie; if Niall thought he could trick Louis into admitting anything, he's sorely mistaken.

"You don't fucking know, do you? You come here, all high and mighty, saying 'oh, Louis, I just want to help,' when you don't even know what the fuck is wrong!"

"I would if you'd just tell me!" Niall shouts back at him.

"I don't fucking have to! My life isn't some some fucking open book; if I don't want to talk about it, then I don't fucking have to!"

Louis stops, his chest heaving as he tries to catch his breath, and he raises his arm to point a finger at Harry.

"And the fact that you brought _him_ with you, well," Louis chuckles darkly, "that just proves that you don't know a fucking thing."

Louis thinks it's over; that's the end of it. By all accounts, it should be.

Niall's stock-still as he stares at Louis with an open mouth, and Harry's completely silent. But just as Louis goes to close the door, Harry speaks up, his voice clear as day.

"You're wrong," he says.

Louis stills. "Excuse me?"

"You're wrong," Harry repeats. "Niall might not know why you're so upset, but I do."

"Oh, really?" Louis' blood begins to boil. "Do you? Am I about to be blessed with wisdom from the great Harry Styles? Should I go get a pen and paper to write this down, or--"

"Oh, for god's sake, shut up," Harry says loudly. "Enough. You can pull that shit all you like, but it's not going to work this time.

"You're the one who--" Louis starts, but Harry doesn't give him the chance to start in on him with another rant. Not this time.

"Enough!" Harry shouts. "Aren't you tired of this? Or do you just get off on playing the victim all the time?"

"Haz…" Niall says softly, like he's rethinking this whole situation and gone neutral, trying to keep the peace. "Maybe we should--"

"No," Harry interrupts. "He doesn't get to do this anymore. He pushed Liam away, and now he's trying to do the same to you, but I'm not going to let him. It's time for someone to push back!"

"Yeah? And you think you've got the right to do it?" Louis says. "Just because you--" His voice falters for a moment and he tries to recover, but his throat revolts against him and all but closes up.

"I what?" Harry challenges. "Go on, Louis, what were you going to say?"

"Shut up," Louis chokes out. "Just… shut up and go away."

"No, like Niall said, we're not going anywhere. You have to face this, Lou, you can't just--"

"Just fuck off already!" Louis shouts. "Go back to Liam and just leave me alone!"

"God, you really don't know anything, do you?" Harry shouts back. Louis turns his back on the both of them, but Harry just follows him inside. "All you do is run away, Louis! Don't you want to get better? Don't you want to know--"

"What?" Louis demands as he spins back around and crowds into Harry's space. "Do I want to know how long you and Liam have been fucking behind all our backs?" He glances over Harry's shoulder at Niall and scoffs. "Didn't know that, did you?" He looks back at Harry. "Go on, tell him. Tell him how you and Liam--"

"How me and Liam had a thing _five bloody years ago_?" Harry interrupts in a calm voice. "How the only reason we had a thing at all was to try and forget how we were both hopelessly in love with _you_?"

All the breath leaves Louis' body in a rush and it's a close thing that his knees don't buckle and give out from under him right then and there.

"What?" he rasps. Harry laughs breathlessly and shakes his head as he takes a step back.

"Do you remember what you were like, when we all first met? Had to have everyone's attention, but it was never enough. Didn't stop me from bending over backwards to please you, and Liam…" Harry laughs again, but this one is different. Louis doesn't like the sound at all, because he's afraid of what's about to follow. "All Liam wanted was your approval, and you wouldn't give it to him."

Louis' mind is reeling. He feels like he's going to be sick. He looks at Niall for help, maybe even some reassurance that what Harry's saying can't possibly be true, but Niall's eyes are fixed firmly on the floor.

"It was never anything serious," Harry continues. "It was just a means to an end. And when we reached the end, we stopped." Harry shakes his head. "I was over you, and I thought Liam was too. But here we all are, nearly six fucking years later, and you're _still_ fucking blind. You're still not letting Liam have what he so desperately wants."

"I didn't know," Louis croaks.

"Of course you didn't know, why would you?" Harry says with an exasperated sigh. "Liam knew you'd never take him seriously. And he was right not to say anything, fuck! Look where it's gotten him! You two have barely spoken for months and you've been holed up on your own, drinking yourself halfway to death, and Liam thinks it's all his fault when, really, it's nobody's fault but yours."

"That's not--" Louis starts to defend himself, but he can't. Harry's right: it _is_ all his fault. It's what he's been running away from, what he's been trying so hard to forget.

"Stop running away, Louis. Get the help you need, whether it's from me and Niall, your mum, whoever. You can't do this on your own. You can't keep pushing people away and waiting for it all to get better on its own."

"He's right, Lou," Niall says as he slowly approaches them. "We're here if you need us."

"I…" Louis stifles a sob.

He can't do it. He's still not ready. His mind is still trying to process everything and _god_ , he just wants a drink.

"Go."

"Lou--"

"Just go," he says, shutting his eyes as he turns away from both of them. "Leave me alone."

Louis doesn't turn around, and they don't try to make him. A while passes before he hears their footsteps heading away from him, followed by the front door closing. The moment it clicks shut, Louis collapses as though he's a marionette whose strings have just been cut.

He buries his head in his hands and he shakes uncontrollably as he sobs; every emotion that he's been bottling up for the last few months just comes pouring out of him with no sign of stopping.

He's never hated himself more than he does right now. He never imagined in a million years that he could possibly screw everything in his life up as much as he obviously has.

And Liam… his best friend in the entire world… how could he do this to him?

All this time he's been so sure that he was doing the right thing by not letting him in, by keeping enough distance between them that he'll never be able to hurt Liam in the one way he can't ever take back, only to have it thrown in his face that he's already done exactly that.

All at once, Louis feels his insides twist and suddenly, that nauseous feeling is back. He stumbles to his feet and just barely makes it to the bathroom in time to heave the contents of his stomach into the toilet. He keeps going until there's nothing left, until he's gagging on nothing but air and his throat feels like it's on fire.

He lays down on the cool tile floor and curls up into a ball, closing his eyes as he starts to cry all over again.

When he wakes up a few hours later, having cried himself to sleep on his bathroom floor, he feels like death warmed over. He grimaces at the mess he left, quickly getting rid of the evidence before he drags himself through the house to his own bedroom. He strips out of his clothes and takes a shower, staying under the hot water until his entire body is red from the heat of the spray.

He can't bear to look at himself in the mirror; he already knows he doesn't like what he'll see. Harry's words echo in his mind - _get the help you need_ \- and he rummages around in the pile of his clothes until he finds his phone.

It's not yet midnight, which means it's not yet eight in the morning in the UK. He holds his breath as he dials his mum's number, hoping against hope that he won't wake her up.

"Louis?" Her voice comes through, worried and out of breath like maybe she'd run to get to her phone before the call went to voicemail. "Louis, baby, are you there?"

"Mum," he cries, the tears starting all over again. It's been ages since he heard her voice, and he'd been too proud to admit that he really fucking missed her.

"Louis," she says, sounding relieved and a bit teary herself. "My love, are you alright? What's wrong?"

"Mum," Louis says, inhaling deeply. "Mum, I've fucked up."

*

Within 48 hours, Louis is back at his mum's house in Doncaster. It's weird, being "home" in a house he didn't grow up in. But given his current situation, Louis can't help but think that he'd take this weirdness over all of his other issues any day of the week.

His mum nearly bursts into tears at the sight of him on their doorstep, pulling him into a tight hug before he can even take one step forward.

"God," she sobs as she clings to him. "Don't _ever_ do that again, d'you hear me?" she says in a fierce tone as she pulls back and tugs on his hair for good measure. He cracks a smile but it quickly wobbles as he looks into his mum's eyes and is suddenly hit with overwhelming emotions all over again. He falls forward into her arms and wraps his own around her tightly.

"I'm sorry," he cries, "I'm so sorry."

"I know," she whispers soothingly. "It'll be alright, love, you'll see."

Louis wants so badly to believe her. He closes his eyes and tries to concentrate on his breathing so he can calm down and stop crying all over his mum on her doorstep, but it takes longer than he'd ever like to admit.

He puts on a brave face when he's accosted by his siblings a few minutes later, giving each of them hugs in turn before he scoops Doris up and rests her on his hip. She's babbling away as Ernest gestures wildly below, trying to show off a new toy. It's chaotic and loud and not anything like what Louis has been around for months, but instead of creating a ball of anxious worry inside his chest he finds himself comforted. He catches his mum's eye and she smiles at him, and there's a soft voice in the back of Louis' mind that says _maybe I'll be alright after all_.

The afternoon passes in a blur of activity in a full house, almost keeping Louis busy enough to forget all his troubles. More than once he catches his mum watching him with a careful look, as though she's trying to figure out what's kept her baby boy away for so long. He knows he won't be able to keep her questions at bay forever, but he's thankful that she's not going to make him get into it in front of his siblings.

But once dinner is over and Dan's gone to put the young twins to bed while the other girls retire to their rooms, Louis feels the shift in the air before his mum even says a word.

"D'you want some tea?" she asks as she gets up to fill the kettle.

"Mum--" he tries, but whatever argument he may have tried to make gets lost in the sound of the faucet running.

"It's just tea, Lou," she says as she sets the full kettle on the stove and lights the flame underneath. "No tricks, just tea."

Louis laughs softly. It's a phrase he's heard all his life; his mum has always stressed the power that lies within a good cup of tea. They've shared many a conversation over tea, and in nearly all of them, his mum's ended up getting Louis to talk far more than he'd expected to.

She may say no tricks, but Louis knows she doesn't even need them. He's never been able to hide anything from her, not for long.

Thanks to the distraction of his family, it's been easier for Louis to not crave a drink all day. But now that it's just him and his mum alone in the kitchen, along with a palpable feeling of an expectation he may not be able to rise to, he can feel the itch start to creep in. He swallows deeply and fidgets, hoping his mum won't notice.

He'd had a few cocktails on the flight over, but had made sure he was fit to drive by the time he landed. He might have thought about stopping along the way to Doncaster to stock up, but he was too anxious in the end. All he wanted was to see his mum.

But now… he was silently wishing he could once more hide at the bottom of a bottle.

Louis doesn't look up when his mum comes back to the table, setting a mug down in front of him before she sits down. He stares at the tea bag floating in the water, growing darker with every passing second, and tries to brace himself for whatever's coming.

"I'm glad you're here," she says, extending her hand to cover Louis' where it's resting on the table.

"I'm sorry," he replies. His voice threatens to crack but he keeps going anyway. "I'm sorry for not calling, and for--"

"Alright, now." She squeezes his hand. "That's enough apologizing for now, hmm?"

"But--"

"You're here now, and that's what matters." She sighs softly. Louis lifts his eyes without moving his head, peeking at his mum to see if she's frowning. She isn't, not exactly, but the light catches the tear tracks running down her cheeks and Louis nearly crumples under the weight of his shame.

"Mum, I…" he starts, but he doesn't know where to begin. There's so much that needs to be said, that he needs to take responsibility for, but he can't. He's still so scared.

"Drink your tea," she says as she slides the milk towards him. She pulls her hand back so he can use both of his own to remove the tea bag and prepare his cup just the way he likes.

It's still far too hot when he takes a sip but he chokes it down anyway, hoping maybe he can trick his body and quell his desire for alcohol. It quenches his thirst but unfortunately the need is still there, low in his belly.

He closes his eyes and breathes deeply, only flinching a little when his mum gently runs her fingers through his hair.

"Getting long again," she says, smiling gently.

"Yeah," Louis replies. "Got lazy about it."

She hums in return, and the conversation falls flat. Louis stares down at his mug, pressing his thumb against it until he can't bear the heat any longer and he pulls his thumb back.

"You don't have to talk if you don't want to," his mum says a few minutes later. "But, I need-- I'd _like_ you to tell me just one thing. Can you do that?"

"Yes?" Louis says, swallowing hard. He's afraid of what she may ask, but what good would it do to say no?

"Are you okay?"

Louis takes a deep breath, intending to look up and tell his mum that he's alright. But when he meets her eyes, he realizes something: he doesn't want to lie anymore.

"No," he says, his voice wavering. "No, Mum, I'm not."

"Okay," she says quickly as he starts to cry. She stands up and pulls him against her, running her fingers through his hair and murmuring soothingly as he cries. "It'll be alright, love. I'm here, I'll help you. You're not alone."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [my tumblr](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com)


	5. Two Dumb Kids Full of Hopes and Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE WE ARE. FINALLY, WE'VE REACHED THE END OF ANGSTFEST.
> 
> it's been a long time coming, i know, and i'm super thankful for everyone who stuck by me while i just kept making shit worse and worse but i did promise things were going to get better!!! and now they are!!!
> 
> i'd just like to take the opportunity to ONCE AGAIN stress that this is FICTION and absolutely not meant to be taken seriously. also, seeing as how this is my fic, i decided not to include jay's passing because i don't believe her death (or anyone's, for that matter) should be used as a plot point.
> 
> and now this is where i meant to write out a big thank you note to everyone who yelled at me for sending them random bits of this fic (and believe me, there was a lot of yelling) but i can't possibly type out every single name bc i'd surely forget someone so i'm taking the easy way out and just saying a big ol' THANK YOU TO YOU ALL <3
> 
> chapter title from It's Not Easy by Alex Da Kid (which is what i listened to for the majority of the time i spent writing the ending and i highly recommend it)

**WINTER**

Louis wakes up to puffy, tired eyes more mornings than not since he's come home to Doncaster. Most nights he spends time with his mum in the kitchen, trying (and mostly failing) to work up the courage to tell her all the things he's been hiding from everyone for the past year.

Every morning Louis tells himself that tonight he'll tell her just how bad his drinking got, and why. The most he's been able to share with her so far is his fight with Liam (although he's still omitting the root of the issue) and Danielle leaving him. The problem is, he's absolutely terrified of telling his mum about not being able to see Freddie. There's no way he can possibly explain it that doesn't reveal just how badly he's managed to screw himself up; how many good things he's ruined with his drinking.

He's been sober since he landed at Heathrow, but not for lack of wanting. If he wasn't staying with his family, Louis would probably still be finding himself at the bottom of a bottle most nights, if not every single one. The only thing keeping him from rifling through the liquor cabinet is the mental image of what his mum's face would look like if she found out he got drunk alone in her house.

About a week after his arrival, Louis wakes up from a nightmare that's bad enough to make him lie still in his bed for a full ten minutes, unable to say for certain whether or not it was real. He'd dreamt that he'd lost everything, including the love and support of his family, and there was nothing he could do about it.

He closes his eyes, pressing his hands over them as he takes one deep breath after another in an effort to calm himself down, and flashes of the dream appear on his eyelids. He'd felt trapped; frozen in place while everyone he loved turned their backs on him. Liam, Niall, and Harry had been there too, though not a single one spared him even a parting glance. Louis' heart aches with the fear of it coming true.

He can't let that happen.

Louis goes downstairs, plunging himself into the chaos of mornings in the Tomlinson-Deakin household, and sticks to the kitchen doorway until his mum spots him. She waves him over, offering a mug of tea when he shuffles towards her and curls himself around her. She welcomes him with a hug, pressing a kiss to his hair as she rubs her hand up and down his back soothingly.

"Morning, love," Jay murmurs. "Sleep well?"

Louis grunts softly, burying his face against her shoulder. She doesn't press for an answer and Louis doesn't try to give her one.

He closes his eyes and breathes in her smell, using it to comfort himself as a reminder that not everything is hopeless. He stays there as long as he can, which isn't nearly long enough, until both of their attentions are demanded by Louis' siblings.

A few hours later, Louis is sitting in the family room with Ernie and Dorie, watching the two of them play in their own little world. He's still clutching the mug of tea from earlier, barely half-drunk and ice cold at this point. He's all but lost inside his own head when his mum and Fizzy come into the room; he doesn't even realize they're there at all until his mum sits down right next to him.

"What's on your mind, love?" she asks in a quiet, gentle tone. Her hand rests on his knee, a small token of affection that Louis so desperately needs.

"There's something I have to tell you," he says, his voice already coming out thick as though he's on the verge of tears. "And you're not going to like it."

"Alright," she says, squeezing his knee a little before she taps it and nods her head towards the doorway. "Come with me into the kitchen and we can talk about it." She points to his mug. "We'll fix you up a fresh cup of tea, as well."

Louis hesitates for a moment, glancing over at where Fizzy's sitting on the floor near Ernie and Dorie before he turns back towards his mum and wordlessly follows her out of the room. The kitchen is empty, the complete opposite of how it was earlier that morning, and Louis sinks down into the closest chair with his hands still clasped around his mug of cold tea. His mum swaps it out for a fresh one before she sits down in the chair next to him, and it feels just like the first night all over again. _No tricks, just tea._

Before he says even one word, his breaths start coming out quick and choppy. He clutches the warm mug in an effort to keep himself grounded, but his panic grows bigger and more overwhelming with every passing second.

"I love you," Jay says as she reaches out and puts her hand on Louis' wrist, "no matter what. There's nothing you could ever tell me that would make me stop loving you."

"I know," Louis says, his voice breaking. He's not even sure if he means it. "It's bad, though. Really bad."

"Whatever it is, we'll get through it together, remember?" She smiles. "You're not alone, Lou."

Louis shuts his eyes with a wince and holds his breath for a few seconds, willing his heart to stop pounding. He's never going to be able to get through this if he can't get a handle on himself. When he opens his eyes, his mum is looking at him with a soft smile; there's not a trace of judgment in her eyes.

She's the only one Louis has always been able to tell absolutely everything, and he's been shutting her out for too long. It's now or never, and he can't live with never.

"I've been, um," Louis takes a deep breath and exhales sharply. Looking down at the table as he says, "drinking. A lot. Like…" His voice wavers a little. "A lot, a lot."

"Okay."

"And, umm, Danielle, she… she wanted to help. Like, try to help me stop drinking so much, and umm, I didn't want her to. I didn't want anyone's help, I didn't want to stop."

Louis looks up and sees the same look on his mum's face. If she doesn't understand, she doesn't show it.

"It just… it didn't seem that bad when I was doing it. I didn't want to stop, because stopping meant--" Louis pauses, catching himself before he could go any further.

"Meant what, Lou?" she asks calmly.

"Meant I'd have to…" Louis swallows hard. "Admit."

"Admit what?"

"Everything," Louis sobs. The tears start streaming down his face before he even finishes saying the word and he finally lets go of his mug so he can bury his face in his hands. He barely hears the scrape of his mum's chair across the floor before she's pulled him into her arms for a tight hug.

"It's alright, Lou," she murmurs. "You're alright, you're here with me. We're gonna get through this."

"I'm sorry," he chokes out in-between sobs. "I'm so sorry, Mum, I--"

"Shh, it's alright. You're here, you're safe, you're going to be alright."

Louis loses track of how much time he spends crying with his mum's arms wrapped tightly around him. He cries until he has no more tears left, but even after he's stopped, they both stay quiet. There's so much to say, so many thoughts and admissions floating around in his head, but Louis still doesn't know where to begin. He tries telling himself that the hardest part is over, but he doesn't believe it, not really. How can he, when there's still so much left to be said?

"Are you ready?"

Louis opens his eyes and lifts his head to look at his mum, who's watching him with a careful look. Her eyes seem curious but hesitant, and even if Louis isn't exactly sure what she means, he knows that if he were to say no then she wouldn't push him.

"Ready for what?" he asks, clearing his throat halfway through so his voice doesn't sound like he's chain smoked his way through a pack of cigarettes.

"Ready to admit whatever it is that you've been keeping from me." She runs her hand through Louis' hair and hums softly. "I think you might be, because if you weren't, you'd still be in LA, not here with your family."

"Yeah," Louis agrees softly. "Dunno where to start, though."

"How about at the beginning?" she says as she runs her fingers through his hair again. "Or in the middle, if you'd like. It's up to you, love."

"I thought you'd be angry," Louis admits. It's not an explanation, or even anything remotely close to what he should be admitting, but it's been eating away at him for so long that he has to get it out. "Thought you'd, like, shout at me, or something."

"It's not that easy, is it?" Jay sighs. "Because on the one hand, of course I'm angry with you. You shut me out, Lou. I gave you space because you're an adult but at the end of the day, you're still my baby and I never want you to be hurt or upset or alone."

Louis shuts his eyes as his bottom lip starts to wobble. He feels like he's about to start crying again, even though he thinks he can't possibly have any tears left.

"But," Jay continues, "this isn't about me, is it? I don't want you being afraid to tell me something just because you think I'll get angry. I want to help you and I can't do that if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"But--"

"You're not drinking anymore, are you? If I go up to your room, will I find empty bottles stashed under your bed?"

"No!" Louis says quickly.

"Then that's not something I have to be angry about anymore. You took the first step all on your own, Lou. You got yourself out of LA, you came here, and now you're asking for help, right?" Jay smiles at him. "It will get easier."

"I know," Louis says with a heavy sigh. "I know, I just… god, I _don't_ know." Louis pulls away from her and buries his head in his arms, down on the kitchen table. "Everything is so fucked up and it's all my fault and I don't know how I let it all happen. It wasn't supposed to happen like this, I… I thought I was doing the right thing. I was trying to do the right thing."

"What d'you mean, the right thing?"

"Something happened," Louis says, taking another deep breath and letting it out slowly. "Between me and Liam. Months ago."

Louis carefully turns his head towards his mum, expecting to see a look of shock on her face. Instead, she's just patiently waiting for him to continue.

"Go on," she says.

"It's…" Louis groans. "It's weird, talking about this with you. Shouldn't you, like, be weirded out too?"

"It's only weird if we let it be weird. But I think it'd be better if we just let everything be normal, no matter how weird it may actually be." Jay smiles again. "So tell me, what's this "right thing" you were trying to do?"

Louis hangs his head and frowns to himself. As hard as it is for him to say the words he needs to say, he can't imagine feeling any worse once they're out in the open. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, letting the air out slowly before he speaks.

"I thought," he begins, his voice already threatening to shake and give out, "that if I pretended like it didn't mean anything, then nobody would get hurt."

Jay tilts her head. "And how did that work out for you?"

"Bad." Louis scowls. The more he thinks about it, the more he feels like crying again. He wishes he could take it all back; if only he could press rewind and go back to February, before he fucked everything up. He'd do things differently, he knows he would.

"Have you talked to Liam lately?" Jay asks. Louis sniffs loudly, trying to clear his throat so the words won't come out thick.

"No," he answers. He swallows hard and rubs at his eyes. "I… it's been months. Last time he… he came 'round, I… I shouted at him." Louis runs his hands through his hair and sniffs again. "The things I said, Mum, I--" He can't help it any longer, he starts to cry. "He hates me, I know he does."

"Oh, Lou," she says as she pulls him into a hug again. "No, love, no. He might be angry with you, but Liam could never hate you."

"He's my best friend," Louis sobs. "I didn't want to hurt him, I never meant to--"

"Shh, I know." Jay rubs Louis' back as she gently rocks him back and forth. "I know, love."

She goes quiet as Louis continues to cry, but she doesn't let him go. When Louis starts to calm down, she tilts her head and offers him a kind smile. Louis returns it as best he can, and even though he's stopped crying for the moment, there's no telling whether he'll start up again at any moment.

"You love him, don't you?"

Louis freezes in his mum's arms. It's not something he's ever admitted to anyone, hell, it's not even something he's ever admitted to himself out loud.

"How did you know?" he asks quietly. Jay laughs.

"You're my son, Lou. How could I not know?" She pets his hair. "That, and only someone in love could be as unbelievably stupid as you've been."

"What if he doesn't forgive me?" Louis asks. It's his worst nightmare, honestly. As awful as he's been, he can't imagine a world where he doesn't have Liam. "What if I've ruined everything forever?"

"Don't you remember what I told you?" Jay smiles. "Liam's like a puppy. He'll always come back."

"You really think so?"

"Don't you?"

Louis lifts one shoulder in a shrug. "I honestly don't know anymore."

"Louis, listen to me." Jay takes a hold of his chin and lifts his head so they're staring eye to eye. "If you make an effort to apologize, if you stop pushing Liam away and you let him in, there's not a doubt in my mind that he'll come back."

"How do you know?"

"Because I have faith, Lou." Jay chuckles softly. "God knows one of us has to, yeah?"

Louis closes his eyes and lets out a laugh. When he opens his eyes again, she's still smiling at him. For the first time in months, Louis feels hopeful that things will get better.

*

Louis leaves his mum's house without telling anyone, but he's not running away. It's the first time he's gone outside since arriving and really, all he wants is a bit of quiet which is hard to find inside the house.

There's also something he needs to do, a conversation he needs to have that he can't get the privacy for while inside the house with his mum, stepdad, and his siblings all hanging around.

He takes a walk around the neighborhood, working up the courage to even pull his phone out of his pocket. It's a lucky thing that there's nobody else out walking and he can wander around in peace.

There's a chill in the air but no snow on the ground, and Louis lets his mind wander far enough off-topic that he wonders whether they'll have a white Christmas this year. He shakes the thought out of his head a moment later and takes his phone out, telling himself that he can't put this off any longer.

He has no idea if this is even going to work, but he's got to give it a shot. He's got a lot of people to apologize to, and he doesn't know what's going to happen if he can't get through.

The line connects after several rings but Louis doesn't hear a sound from the other end of the line and he hesitates for a moment.

"Danielle?" he says in a quiet, careful tone. He hears a soft exhale and then Danielle's voice comes through.

"I thought maybe you'd called me by accident," she says, her voice even more careful than his had been.

"I, umm, wasn't sure you'd answer."

"I almost didn't," she admits and Louis winces. He deserves that, he knows he does. Probably deserves even more than that, but he can't let himself dwell on it.

"I'm glad you did," he says with a soft breath. "I need to… there are some things I wanted to--"

"What is it, Louis?" she asks with a soft sigh of impatience. Louis winces again.

"I'm sorry," he says. "I'm so sorry for the things I said and what I did and didn't do and… just, everything."

"Everything?" Danielle repeats.

"Not, like, _everything_ everything." Louis sighs. This isn't going the way he'd hoped. "I don't mean, like, I'm sorry we were together, or anything, because I'm not. I really liked you, Danielle, and you deserved so much better."

"I know I did," she replies. It sounds like she's trying to sound strong, but Louis can hear a waver in her voice that makes his heart ache.

"I'm so sorry," he says again. "I swear, I never meant to hurt you, I just…"

"What, Louis?" she asks. Louis falls silent. "All I wanted to do was help you, you know." She takes a shaky breath. "I just wanted to--"

"I know," he says quickly. "I know that now and I'm so sorry I didn't before and I wish--"

"What? That you could take it all back? You can't, Louis. You just can't."

"I know that, I do." Louis groans softly. "I know I can't take it back but I want you to know how sorry I am and, if you're willing, I'd like to explain."

Danielle doesn't answer for a long time. Louis almost thinks she's hung up on him, but when he checks his screen he sees the call is still connected so he waits.

"Okay," she says finally. "Explain. I'm listening."

Louis finds that it's easier to tell Danielle everything now that he's gotten it all out in the open with his mum. There's still a small fear in the back of his mind that Danielle won't understand what he's saying or she'll react in a far more negative way than his mum did, but he doesn't let it stop him from saying what he needs to say.

Danielle doesn't say anything until he's finished, and even then she waits for a few minutes after that. Louis gives her the time she needs, knowing that he's just told her quite a lot of heavy information and she's going to need time to process it all. He's preparing himself for whatever she might say, including the worst. He's half expecting her to tell him she needs some time to think it all over, although that comes with the worry that she'll never speak to him again.

"That's, um…" Danielle takes a breath and goes quiet again.

"It's a lot, I know. If you, like, if you need to take some time or something, I--"

"No," she says, "no, I just…" She sighs again. "I'm proud of you, Louis. For finally getting some help."

"I should've done it sooner," he confesses. "I should've listened to you. I think in the back of my head I knew you were right but I just didn't want to admit it."

"I could've tried harder," Danielle says, her voice going tight. "I shouldn't have left, I--"

"No, Danielle, no," Louis says quickly, cutting her off before she starts crying. "Please, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault."

"I know," she says with a loud sniff. "I know, but, _god_ , Louis. I was so worried and scared and you just didn't _care_. I didn't want to leave you but I couldn't--" She cuts herself off for a moment and Louis hears her stifle a sob. "I couldn't watch you hurt yourself any longer."

"I know," Louis says. "I'm so sorry, I never should've put you through that. It wasn't fair to you."

"I'm just--" Danielle sniffs again, "I'm glad you're getting help, Louis, I really am."

"Thanks," he says softly. "I wanted you to hear it all from me, y'know? You deserved an explanation, after all the shit I put you through."

Danielle laughs. "You're talking like you were a terrible boyfriend the whole time, Louis. And you weren't."

"I know, but--"

"You really weren't," Danielle says firmly. "I didn't doubt that you cared about me, you know. I just don't think you cared about yourself enough. I know you have a lot of love to give, Louis, but you've got to keep some for yourself, too."

Louis takes a deep breath. He doesn't really know what to say to that.

"Have you, umm, talked to Liam?" Danielle asks in a tentative voice.

"No," Louis admits with a sigh. "I dunno if he'll even talk to me."

"Won't ever know unless you try," Danielle says. There's a slight laugh in her voice but it fades quickly. It's like she's trying too hard to be cavalier about the subject and Louis feels the weight of it deep in his stomach.

"I screwed up," he says, "didn't I?"

"Pretty badly," Danielle replies. "What about Freddie? Are you seeing him for Christmas?"

"Jesus," Louis breathes out. "Going straight for the heart, aren't you?"

Danielle goes quiet. "Did something happen, Louis?"

Louis groans softly. He hasn't even told his mum about what Briana said. He doesn't know how; there's just no scenario in his head in which telling his mum that he's not allowed to see his own son goes well. He feels so guilty about it because he knows she went through so much when he was a baby, and she managed to keep everything together on her own with far less than what Louis has.

He feels like a failure, and he's not sure if that's ever going to go away.

"Told you," he says, "I screwed up."

"Oh, Louis," Danielle says softly. "You'll fix it, I know you will. Freddie loves you. And he knows you love him, and so does Briana. You'll fix it."

"I hope so," Louis whispers. "I can't lose him."

"You haven't lost him. You just had to go away for a while, so you could get better. Freddie loves you, Louis," she repeats. "You're his dad, he'll always love you."

Louis laughs, but it comes out more like a sob. "I didn't deserve you."

"Call Briana," Danielle says, ignoring Louis' last comment. "Or, better yet, FaceTime her so you can see Freddie. I'm sure he misses you like crazy."

"I will," Louis says with a loud sniff. "I will, I… thanks, Danielle."

"Of course, Louis. I still care about you, you know. I think I always will." She laughs softly, fondly. "You've got that way about you. People can't help but fall in love."

Louis closes his eyes as her words sink in. They sting, but not in the way Louis would've expected.

"I still care about you, too." Louis takes a breath. "Danielle--"

"Louis," she interrupts gently. "It's okay. I know."

"Okay," he says, his voice slightly shaky.

"I, umm, I should go. But… I'm glad you called, okay? And I'm really glad you're okay."

"Thanks," Louis replies. "Maybe, umm, maybe when I get back we can…"

He trails off, knowing it's a long shot even without Danielle saying a word.

"Yeah," she says in a way that tells Louis that she feels it too. "Maybe."

*

Louis feels just as nervous sitting in his car outside Briana's house as he did the first night he spent in his mum's kitchen in Doncaster. He's not intruding, Briana _invited_ him here to celebrate Freddie's birthday, but he still feels like he doesn't belong there after what he did.

He closes his eyes and makes himself remember how good it felt to see Freddie's face over Christmas - even if only via FaceTime. Louis' heart swells painfully when he thinks about how much Freddie had grown since he'd last seen him, how big his smile had been when he'd seen Louis.

It had been hard enough to convince Briana then that he was better, but after a long talk with his mum, she'd finally believed him. Louis wasn't going to blow it again.

Louis exhales sharply and thumps his fist against the steering wheel once before he unbuckles his seatbelt. He reaches over to grab Freddie's gift off of his front seat before he climbs out of the car, taking one more big deep breath before he walks to Briana's front door.

At first, after he's knocked on the door and is waiting for someone to answer, he's struck with the horrifying thought that Briana won't actually let him inside. The back of his neck prickles with sweat as he starts worrying that she's just going to slam the door in his face like she did a few months ago, but it's all for naught. The door swings open and there's Briana, with Freddie in her arms.

Freddie squeals excitedly at the sight of Louis and he grins broadly in return as Briana hands him over with a similar smile on her face. Louis manages to trade the gift into her arms as he takes Freddie and hugs him tightly, planting a large kiss to Freddie's cheek.

"Hey, lad," he murmurs, still smiling as Freddie babbles happily in his ear.

"C'mon in," Briana says as she pulls the door open further and steps aside, letting Louis into the house.

The people gathered living room is a mix of familiar and unfamiliar faces, although they all share the same friendly expression when Louis comes in with Freddie in his arms. Louis feels himself start to relax as he makes easy conversation with Briana's family, keeping a hold of Freddie who's as much of a delight as he is a distraction for everyone in the room.

He comes close to tears when Briana brings out a cake for Freddie and he helps his son stand on his own two feet. He shares a look with Briana and he sees the tears in her eyes too and she smiles at him before darting her eyes back down to Freddie, who's trying to get his hands on the cake. Louis' heart swells again inside his chest, but it isn't nearly as painful as it was before.

He could've missed this, but he didn't.

Louis stays late to help clean up, long after Freddie's gone down for a nap and most of the other guests have left. He's puttering around the kitchen, unsure of what else to do now that most of the rubbish has been cleared away, when Briana comes in and chuckles softly.

"What're you doing?" she asks, and he snaps his head up to look at her.

"Cleaning," he replies automatically, smiling sheepishly. "Sort of."

"You didn't have to stay," Briana says as she crosses the floor to shove the last of the party rubbish into a bag.

"I wanted to," Louis replies in an earnest voice. "Wanted to help."

Briana pauses halfway through tying up the bag of rubbish and turns to look at him. Louis swallows hard and tries not to look away, but the look in her eyes makes the guilty feeling in the pit of his stomach twist uncomfortably. It's been getting steadily better since he's been back in LA, but now he's worried that maybe everything isn't as good as it seemed.

"Thanks," she says softly, which isn't what Louis expected. Her eyes soften and the weight in Louis' stomach disappears, and he feels like he can breathe normally again.

"Thank you," he says, "y'know, for letting me come."

"Of course," Briana replies with another soft chuckle. "You're his dad, Louis. And you've more than proved that you're better, so…" She shrugs. "It wouldn't have been the same without you."

"I am better," Louis says in a fierce tone. "And I won't let anything like that ever happen again, I promise."

"I know," Briana says as she finishes tying up the bag and pushes it against the counter. "And I'm glad to hear it."

A comfortable silence falls over the two of them and Louis wonders briefly if this should be his cue to exit. He thinks back to the last time they had a talk in this kitchen and instead of focusing on how fucked up he was back then, he concentrates on the fact that he's here now. He didn't lose everything.

"Have you talked to Danielle?" Briana asks, her tone over-casual. Louis tilts his head as he clicks his tongue, letting out a bit of an awkward laugh.

"I, umm, called her a while back. When I was at my mum's." He shakes his head slowly. "Haven't talked to her since, though."

"So, you're not…" Briana trails off, leaving the words _getting back together_ unspoken.

"Nah," Louis answers softly. "It's, umm, it's better this way."

Briana gives him a sad smile, but doesn't move to comfort him. "As long as you're happy, Louis."

"I am," he answers automatically, though it's at best only half true.

He's better, at least. He's sober and that has to be enough, for now.

Louis leaves shortly after, dutifully taking the rubbish bags out to the bins before he climbs into his car. Before he turns on the engine, he pulls his phone out of his pocket and checks his texts. He's got a few from his mum that were sent before the party started, so he sends her some of the photos he took during the party for her to wake up to tomorrow morning. He scrolls further down in his inbox and clicks on his thread with Liam, still finding it empty of the reply he's been waiting for.

He forces himself to put his phone down so he can drive home, but he keeps sneaking glances at it the whole way there, as though it's finally going to light up with a text from Liam. It doesn't.

When he gets back to his house, Louis orders some food for dinner and then goes into his living room and turns on his TV as a distraction while he waits for his food to arrive. He's been back for several weeks now but still can't be bothered to keep much more than cereal and assorted snacks in his house, but he counts it as a victory that he also doesn't keep any alcohol around either.

It was the first thing he did upon coming back to LA: getting rid of all the alcohol in his house. There were bottles all over the house, and still quite a few in his fridge with varying amounts left in them. They were all poured down the drain before he gathered up every empty container and chucked them in the recycle bin. He called his mum immediately after, finding it much easier to breathe with her voice in his ear.

She'd offered to come with him, to help clean up the house and keep an eye on him for a while, but he'd turned her down. He needed to do this on his own.

Quickly becoming bored with cable TV, Louis opened his texts again. He scrolls through, up and down the entirety of his inbox before he presses on his thread with Niall and sighs softly.

 _ **he still hasn't answered**_ , he writes. _**i told you he hates me.**_

It took Louis until New Year's Eve to work up the courage to text Liam and the other boys. He'd sent ones to Niall and Harry first, simple ones that said _**i'm sorry**_ that he'd hoped they wouldn't ignore. It took even longer for Louis to text Liam, even though he ended up sending the same message. There was so much more he needed to say to Liam, but there was no way he could possibly convey it all in texts.

Niall was the first to reply, saying _**you should be!**_ followed quickly by _**hope you're ok tommo**_ , which made Louis breathe a sigh of relief when he read them the following morning. Niall had always been the first one to forgive him for every little thing. He'd been in the middle of texting Niall updates on everything when Harry's reply came through an hour or so later.

_**i know.** _

Louis had stared at the message for a few minutes, trying to decide if that was a good or bad response. He spent so long debating that he hadn't said a word in reply before Harry sent another message, one that didn't make Louis wonder where he and Harry stood.

_**glad you're back to your old self. missed you.** _

Louis sighs a little as he waits for Niall's reply, switching back and forth between the Messages app and Postmates. He feels restless in a way that used to make him crave a drink, but now it just makes him tired. He just wants the chance to apologize to Liam properly.

 _ **you're using the new number right??**_ Niall's text asks when it comes through a few minutes later. Louis huffs as he types out his response.

_**obviously!! i've texted him a bunch of times but he hasn't answered a single one!** _

**_maybe he just needs time, lou. you gotta give him space._ **

Louis frowns. How much time could Liam possibly need? He'd been betting on Liam wanting to talk to him, or at the very least being willing to listen.

 _ **has he texted you?**_ Louis writes, sending it before he second-guesses himself.

Niall doesn't reply. Louis takes one deep breath, and then another. After the third one, he clicks on his thread with Liam and starts typing.

_**niall says i should give you space but i think we've had too much space. i miss you li. i need to talk to you i need to tell you everything so you know why i did what i did and how stupid i was for doing it. please talk to me? i miss you. i miss you so much.** _

He sends it, but he's not holding his breath. He puts his phone down on the coffee table and reclines on his couch, staring up at the ceiling for a moment before he closes his eyes.

 _Space_ , he thinks to himself. _Space is overrated_.

*

Louis is laying out by the pool with a notebook open across his lap, his eyes closed beneath his sunglasses as he taps his pen against the paper half-filled with scribbles of lyrics, when his phone starts buzzing. He ignores it at first, trying to hold onto the idea for a melody that was bouncing around his head, but it disappears as his phone continues to buzz against the glass table next to him.

 _You need Liam_ , the voice inside his head says, _he was always the melody man_.

"Shut up," he grumbles to himself as he swipes his phone off the table, holding it up as he peers over his sunglasses to see who's calling.

It's not a phone number he recognizes, but it's a UK number. He swallows hard and that same voice speaks again, this time saying _what if it's Liam?_

"Hello?" he says breathlessly, having answered at nearly the last second before the call was missed. The other end of the line is quiet and Louis lets out a breath before he repeats himself. He's about to hang up, to give up, when a familiar voice comes through. It's one he hasn't heard in months.

"Hey, Lou."

Louis' jaw clenches instinctively.

"How'd you get this number?"

Zayn laughs softly. "It was still in my phone."

"What do you want?" Louis asks, wondering why the hell Zayn's calling him now when they haven't spoken for well over a year. He's contemplating hanging up on him, thinking it'll teach him a lesson, but even he can't deny his curiosity.

"I, uhh, wanted to talk."

Louis pauses for a moment, then scoffs loudly. Zayn clicks his tongue, speaking again before Louis can say anything.

"Look, I know… I know things didn't--" Zayn groans softly. "When I left, I didn't. It didn't mean, like…"

"What?" Louis demands. "It didn't mean what?"

"I didn't mean for us to stop being friends," Zayn says quietly.

"You _left_ ," Louis says, sitting up a little straighter on the lounge chair and knocking his notebook off of his lap in the process. "You just up and fucking left, didn't even tell us you were going, you just--" Louis exhales angrily. "And then you--"

"I know," Zayn says calmly. "I know, Lou, I--"

"Don't call me that," Louis snaps.

"I fucked up," Zayn continues. "Look, I know I fucked up. But I can't take it back, can I? What's done is done."

Louis scoffs again and collapses back against the lounge chair, but he doesn't hang up. He's angry enough to do it, that's for sure, and Zayn's probably expecting it. But Louis keeps the phone pressed to his ear, waiting for whatever apology Zayn's got coming next. Maybe he'll let Zayn grovel a bit before he hangs up. Let him think he's going to be forgiven, and then break his heart just like he broke Louis' when he disappeared overnight.

"Look," Zayn sighs, "I talked to Liam."

The blood drains from Louis' face and his anger leaves him in a rush. He's stunned; he can't even manage a grunt to let Zayn know he heard him.

"S'why I'm calling, like," he sighs again, "you really fucked up, y'know that?"

"Fuck you," Louis says, his voice choked up. "You're one to fucking talk."

"I know, but that's--" Zayn grunts and sighs heavily. "I said I fucked up, okay? I'm not looking for your forgiveness or anything, I just--"

"Then why did you fucking call me?" Louis asks angrily.

"Because you're fucking hurting Liam, alright?" Zayn replies, his tone just as angry. "You can say whatever you like to me or about me, but you know damn well that I still care about him, about all of you." Zayn lets out a breath. "I didn't leave because I didn't care. I just… it wasn't for me, alright? It never was, and I couldn't do it anymore."

"Seem to be doing just fine on your own," Louis says in a snide tone.

Zayn goes quiet. "I deserve that," he murmurs. "Shit, I probably deserve whatever you could think up to throw in my face." He lets out a breath. "But Liam doesn't."

"I…" Louis' voice goes tight again. "Don't you think I know that?" Tears spring to his eyes and he tries to swallow the lump in his throat so he can speak clearly. "I've been trying to apologize, but he… he won't answer me. I just want him to know I'm sorry."

Louis breaks off into a sob halfway through the last word and he can't stop the tears no matter how hard he tries. Every time he tries to speak he just ends up crying harder. By the time he's able to compose himself, his chest is aching and the bottom of his shirt is soaked from him wiping his face.

The other end of the line is so quiet, he doesn't even know if Zayn is still there.

"He knows," Zayn says once Louis' breathing has finally slowed down. "But he's scared, Lou. And I know you are too, I know all you want is to be mates again, but… it's not that easy." He chuckles wryly. "Believe me, I know."

Louis makes a soft noise in the back of his throat, but doesn't say anything.

"You've just gotta give him time, alright? You really hurt him." Zayn pauses for a moment. "But you've also gotta take care of yourself, too. You've got a lot of people who love you, y'know, and they need you around. The lads, your mum, little Freddie."

"I know," Louis says with a sniff. "I know, and I am. Taking care of myself."

"Good." Zayn sounds like he's smiling, and there's a soft ache in Louis' heart when he realizes he remembers what that sounds like. "I care about you too, y'know. And I really am sorry for everything. If I could go back…"

"Yeah," Louis replies softly. "Me too."

And, to Louis' surprise, he means it. He hasn't thought about Zayn in ages, but all the anger he felt when he first heard his voice through the phone is gone, and he just keeps thinking about how much he missed his friend.

"It was good to talk to you, Lou. Even, y'know, under the circumstances." He laughs softly. "But, umm, text me, or something, if you want?"

"Yeah," Louis says quickly, "yeah, I… I will. It was good to talk to you, too, Z."

"And, umm," Zayn exhales softly. "I'll try to get Liam to call you, alright?"

Louis closes his eyes. "Thanks."

After the call is over, Louis sets his phone aside and leans over the edge of the lounge chair to pick up his notebook. He puts it down on the table next to his phone and then leans back, reclining on the chair as he exhales a deep breath. He stays still and quiet, watching the sky change as the sun starts to set over the hills.

It's dusk by the time Louis picks his phone up again, and this time he doesn't fuss around or pretend like he's not going to do exactly what he wants to do. He opens his text thread with Liam and types out a message, thinking maybe this time he should take a different approach.

_**tried writing today. haven't done it in awhile. got a few lyrics to share with you whenever you're up for it.** _

Louis presses send and sighs as he locks his phone. He grabs the notebook before he gets up and heads inside, wondering how much longer he'll have to wait.

*

"What're you doing, Fred?" Louis says with a gentle laugh as Freddie reaches for his phone, giggling louder when Louis pulls it out of his reach.

Freddie babbles and reaches for the phone again, this time managing to close his fingers around the edge and pull it towards him. Louis laughs and lets him hold onto it, careful to keep a tight grip on it himself so it won't fall to the ground if Freddie lets go.

"Should we sit, hmm?" Louis murmurs as he walks into the living room, Freddie's legs curled around his hip. He figures if he sits down on the couch then he can let Freddie hold onto his phone all by himself.

Assorted toys are scattered across the living room floor and Louis has to watch his step to make sure he doesn't trip over anything; he's only just starting to think that maybe he'd gone a little overboard with stocking up on things to entertain Freddie after Briana had agreed to let him have Freddie over to his place.

He puts Freddie down on the couch so he can tidy up the floor a little bit before he sits down next to him, laughing when he sees that Freddie's got the corner of the phone tucked in his mouth.

"You--" Louis starts, but he stops when the screen of his phone lights up and Freddie pulls it out of his mouth with a tiny grimace, apparently put off by the buzzing sensation.

Louis gently pries the phone out of Freddie's hands, pulling him onto his lap so they can look at the screen together. Louis smiles, pressing a kiss against the side of Freddie's head as he sees it's Niall who's texted him.

"Look, Fred," he says, kissing Freddie again. "It's Uncle Nialler."

He unlocks his phone to read the text as Freddie babbles, trying to pull the phone out of his hands all the while.

_**hey tommo! fancy coming round for bbq tonight?** _

_**what time?**_ he manages to text back, having to pry his phone away from Freddie. _**got freddie til around 6!**_

**_no worries! come by whenever. harry and liam will be here too, fyi. thought it'd be nice to get everyone together!_ **

Louis swallows hard and Freddie manages to pull his phone away, sending a string of nonsensical letters to Niall as a response.

"No, lad, c'mon." He sighs a little, trying not to get annoyed as he takes his phone back. "Just another minute, promise."

Louis holds his phone in his left hand, keeping it out of Freddie's reach as he reads Niall's reply, _**haha hiya freddie!!!**_ , and very slowly types out his own message.

_**didn't know they were in town. i'll stop by when i can.** _

It's a close thing that he ends up writing "when" as opposed to "if". He lets Freddie have his phone and it immediately ends up in his mouth again, but Louis is too preoccupied to care.

He's finally going to see Liam. It's been nearly a week since he last texted him, and there's been nothing but radio silence on Liam's end. Louis can't help but wonder what's going to happen when they see each other, will Liam even acknowledge his presence?

He pushes the thought out of his head and concentrates on Freddie instead. They spend the rest of the day on the couch playing with the various toys Louis bought and taking selfies with his phone, ending up with more than a few blurry ones. He sends them around to his mum and sisters, as well as sharing good ones of just Freddie to Briana. He keeps the rest, including the blurry ones, just for himself.

He'd promised to get Freddie back around 6pm, but it turns out to be far easier said than done. Somehow he'd managed to misplace Freddie's shoes in entirely different parts of the house, which makes it increasingly difficult for Louis to get Freddie ready to leave when he was supposed to.

By the time he makes it to Briana's house, he's sure that she's going to be livid with him. He's over twenty minutes late and Freddie spent the whole ride back to the house in a meltdown, so his eyes are red and puffy and he's still sniffling when Briana opens the door.

Louis is prepared for the worst, but he doesn't expect Briana to be fighting a smile.

"Didn't wanna leave, did he?"

Louis cracks a smile. "S'pose not. Couldn't find his shoes for the life of me."

"Glad you did," Briana says as she looks down at Freddie's feet, openly smiling when she takes Freddie out of Louis' arms.

"See you later, Fred," Louis says as he leans forward and kisses Freddie's temple, smoothing his hair down and wiping a stray tear off his cheek. "Love you."

Freddie blinks sleepily at him and grabs his hand, squeezing Louis' finger before he lets it go and tucks his head against Briana's neck. Louis puts Freddie's bag just inside the doorway and then he takes a few steps back, waving goodbye to both Freddie and Briana before she closed the door.

Louis drives back to his own house on auto-pilot, nearly forgetting all about going over to Niall's. He remembers just before he's about to pull into his own driveway, and slows to a stop in the middle of the street. There's nobody around to honk at him for blocking the road, so he stays there for a few minutes and contemplates his options.

On the one hand, he could come up with some excuse relating to Freddie and not go. Niall would understand, Louis is sure he would. So would the others, but it's the thought of Niall having to tell Liam that Louis wasn't coming that made Louis reconsider the idea. This might be his one chance to make things right, he can't give it up just because he's scared.

"Go," Louis says to himself on an exhale. "Just go."

He flips his car around and heads to Niall's house, which takes approximately three minutes. His hands start shaking before he even cuts the engine, and it only gets worse the closer he gets to the front door.

Niall's laughter carries through the door so Louis can hear him as he approaches to open it, and it's a relief to see that he's on his own. He immediately pulls Louis into a tight hug and it's everything Louis didn't know he needed.

"Good to see you," Niall says, giving Louis one last squeeze before he pulls back.

"You too," Louis replies, snickering softly when he sees that Niall's wearing an apron with a pair of barbecuing tongs tucked into the pocket.

"C'mon back!" Niall waves Louis down the hall, leading the way out to his back patio.

Niall makes easy conversation, like he always does; pointing out various bits of the house as though it's Louis' first time coming around. Admittedly, Louis does notice that he's changed quite a few things since the last time he was here so he supposes he can't really poke fun at Niall for showing the place off.

It's a little nerve wracking, stepping out of the house and onto the patio. Louis heard both Harry and Liam chattering away as he and Niall approached, and even he has to admit that he more or less expected the silent treatment from both of them.

Even with Harry accepting his apology over text, Louis still can't be sure if he really meant it.

The uncertainty vanishes in seconds when both Harry and Liam turn towards the door as Louis steps through after Niall, and Harry immediately comes over to give Louis a hug. He's so taken aback that he nearly forgets to hug Harry in return, but he manages it at the last second well enough.

"Glad you're here," Harry says. "Wasn't sure if you'd come."

"Almost didn't," Louis admits quietly. When he looks up and away from Harry, he sees Liam has moved closer to him. There's a look of hesitancy in Liam's eyes that Louis hates to see, because he knows it must be reflected in his own as well.

For a moment, Louis thinks maybe everything is going to be okay; he thinks that maybe, just maybe, Liam is going to hug him and everything will go back to the way things were before he screwed it all up.

But then Liam goes for a handshake instead, and turns away immediately after.

"Li--" Louis starts, but Niall quickly takes control of the conversation and clicks his tongs together.

"Let's eat, shall we?"

Niall pulls Louis over to the table set up a few feet away, sitting him down at one end while Harry and Liam take seats on the opposite side. Harry ends up across the table from Louis while Niall sits across from Liam after he's portioned out the massive amount of food he's cooked up.

As good as it all looks and as delicious as it smells, Louis feels like he has no appetite at all.

"Dig in," Niall says, smiling at Louis. "Want something to drink?"

"Just, like…" Louis clears his throat, pointedly not looking at anyone around the table when he says, "water, or something."

Nobody moves. No one says a word. Louis glances around to make sure they all haven't suddenly dropped dead around him and sees that they're all staring at him. He looks from Harry to Niall, passing over Liam who looked away the moment Louis looked up.

Niall nudges him gently. "Proud of you, Lou."

Louis feels his cheeks go hot with embarrassment. He drops his eyes again and immediately shoves the nearest piece of food into his mouth, holding back a shriek when he realizes that was a terrible idea but he keeps his mouth firmly closed even though it burns his tongue to do so.

Niall and Harry end up carrying most of the conversation through the meal, Liam adding to it far more than Louis does. It's weird to think how a year ago, this was exactly what Louis would've wanted. He missed this, being with his three best friends in the world, and now here he is getting exactly what he wanted and all he can think about is how it isn't what he wants anymore. Not really, anyway.

He wants Liam.

"I'll tidy up," Harry offers after they've all stuffed themselves full of barbecue.

"You don't know where anything goes," Niall says with a laugh as Harry starts picking up plates and utensils.

"I'll improvise," Harry replies with a cheeky grin as he makes a dash for the door.

"The hell you will!" Niall exclaims, scrambling to run after him. The door slams behind him and then it's just Louis and Liam outside.

Louis swallows harshly and closes his eyes as he takes a deep breath. _This is it_ , he thinks to himself. He has to take the chance he's been given, because who knows if he'll get another one.

"Liam," he starts, but his voice is so soft he doesn't know if Liam's even heard him.

"Subtle as bricks, aren't they?" Liam remarks, his voice much louder than Louis' in the quiet of the evening air.

Louis lifts his head and looks at Liam, who's staring at the door leading inside as he shakes his head.

"Bet they think they're being clever or something," he goes on.

"I…" Louis swallows again. "I don't…"

"Did Niall tell you I'd be here?" Liam asks, still not looking at Louis.

"Y-Yeah."

"'Course he did," Liam says with a humorless laugh, turning to look at him so quickly that Louis jumps a little. "He didn't tell me he'd invited you til I'd already shown up."

"I didn't--"

"Even though I…" Liam closes his eyes and sighs determinedly. "I _told_ him I wasn't ready to talk to you. Not yet. I dunno why everyone seems to think they need to meddle in my business but…" He shakes his head. "I can do this on my own, I can. I just need more time."

Liam exhales sharply and scrubs a hand across his face before he gets up from the table. Louis watches, afraid to say anything, afraid to even move. He's never seen Liam like this, or at least, never had this sort of behavior directed at him before.

"Y'know, I…" Liam laughs again as he turns back around. "I talked to Zayn about all this because I thought… I thought 'there's no way in hell he'll call Louis, is there?' I genuinely believed that. But…" Liam gestures wildly towards Louis and sighs. "What does he do? Calls you up, and then practically takes your side."

"He didn't," Louis speaks up. "Liam, he didn't."

"Then why'd he call me up after, telling me I should give you another chance? Huh? He was…" Liam's voice cracks. "He's supposed to be on my side."

"He is," Louis tells him. "All the lads are, as they should be. You didn't do anything wrong, Liam. I'm the one who fucked up and I'm so sor--"

"Don't tell me you're sorry," Liam interrupts, his voice shaking with anger. "I know you're sorry, Louis, I know it. I've read every text you've sent me, I _know_ you're sorry. But sorry doesn't change anything."

"I know--"

"No, you don't!" Liam sniffs and wipes at his eyes. "You don't know. Because if you did, then it wouldn't have taken you this long to say it."

Louis falls quiet and Liam rubs the cuff of his sleeve against his cheek in a furious manner, trying to hide the fact that tears are streaming freely down his face.

"You pushed me away, you shut me out. You told me…" Liam closes his eyes for a moment and takes a breath. "The things you said to me, Louis, you might not remember them but I do. I can't forget them."

"Please," Louis whispers. "Please, Li, let me explain."

"No." Liam shakes his head. "No, I can't."

"Liam--"

"I _can't_." Liam closes his eyes and breathes shakily. "Louis, I can't."

Louis' mind is reeling. He can't let Liam walk out of here, not without him knowing everything. He has to tell him, he needs to know.

"I thought I was doing the right thing."

"Louis," Liam says, sounding tired.

"I swear, I did," Louis continues. "I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I thought that pushing you away was the right thing to do because it wasn't. I know that now, I know that it was the stupidest fucking thing I could've done and if I could take it back, _god_ , if I could take it all back, Liam, I would."

"All of it?" Liam asks as he stares down at the ground.

"If I could go back," Louis says, his voice wavering as he fixes his eyes squarely on Liam, "to that night, no. To the morning after the BRITs." He takes a deep breath. "If I could go back to that, I wouldn't leave."

Liam slowly lifts his head, like he's not sure of what he'll see when he looks up.

"I wouldn't," Louis repeats, his voice cracking. "I'd stay in that bed with you until you made me leave. I didn't know it then, but--" His voice gives out and he clears his throat, "I know it now. You and me… that's what I want."

"Louis," Liam whispers.

"That's…" Louis laughs, the sound breaking into a sob. "I think it's all I ever wanted. I just didn't know. I dunno why I didn't know, I dunno why it took me _so fucking long_ to figure it out. Months of one stupid decision after another, months of losing everything that was important to me, losing _you_." Louis shakes his head. "I've been so fucking stupid, Liam, and I'm so fucking sorry."

Liam remains quiet. There's one more thing Louis wants to say, but he doesn't know if he has the guts to go through with it.

"Liam, I…" Louis grits his teeth, exhales sharply, then just comes out with it: "I love you."

He stares helplessly at Liam, waiting for him to say something. The seconds tick by like hours in agony as Liam stays completely silent and still. All Louis can do is wait.

Finally, Liam moves.

Louis' heart leaps into his throat. He thinks for a moment, for a split second, that Liam's going to come towards him. But instead, Liam starts walking towards the door.

"Liam?" Louis says, his voice cracking.

Liam doesn't answer. He doesn't even look back.

"Liam," Louis repeats, more pleadingly. He can't just leave, can he?

Without so much as a pause or a glance over his shoulder, Liam opens the door and goes inside, shutting it firmly behind him.

*

When Louis wakes up, for a split second he thinks that he's back in Doncaster. His eyes feel swollen and sore and he clings to that thought as long as he can, because once he opens his eyes he remembers exactly where he is and everything that happened the night before.

He'd collapsed back onto the bench and buried his head in his hands after Liam left. There was no fight left in him, no energy to go after Liam. That tiny voice in the back of his head said it was better this way even as his heart broke into a million little pieces.

Louis didn't know how long it had been before Niall was at his side, trying to console him. There was nothing Niall could do, and they both knew it. Louis managed to pull himself together long enough to thank Niall for dinner and excuse himself amidst Niall's protests for him to stay.

All Louis wanted to do was go home.

He didn't remember falling asleep on the couch, but the glow of the television blinds him when he opens his eyes. He snatches the remote from the coffee table and turns it off as quickly as he can, intending to roll over and go back to sleep. He's got no idea what time it is or why he even woke up in the first place, but he's definitely too exhausted to get off the couch and get in his own bed.

He's neck-deep in a pity party, but he reckons it's fine for the time being. He hasn't relapsed, and that's what's important. He can feel sorry for himself all he likes just as long as he stays sober.

The doorbell rings loudly, startling Louis and making his heart race. He blinks, rubbing his eyes as he sits up and reaches for his phone. It's past three in the morning, and the doorbell goes off again.

Louis reasons that it must've been the doorbell that woke him up, and he reluctantly gets up from the couch to answer the door. He keeps his phone in his hand, telling himself that if it's a fan he's going to call the cops on them this time.

But it's not a fan. It's Liam.

Louis is so relieved that he stumbles forward and wraps himself around Liam without thinking. It takes approximately three seconds for Louis to realize what he's done and recoil, avoiding Liam's eyes as he awkwardly steps aside and lets him in.

Liam looks about as tired as Louis feels, and he can't decide if that's good or bad. He closes the door and starts to follow Liam down the hallway, almost running into him when Liam suddenly stops and turns around.

"I almost…" he starts, his eyes a bit wild and his voice frantic. "I got all the way to LAX, y'know. I was going to jump on the next plane back to London."

"Oh," Louis says softly.

"I was just… I was so angry. Like, unbelievably pissed off at you. And I kept telling myself that you deserved it. That it was only fair for me to run out on you like you did to me."

Louis hangs his head. Liam's right, after all. He probably does deserve that.

"But then I thought, like, what good would that do?" Liam shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair. "What fucking good is running away? Just look at you."

A laugh escapes Louis' lips and he rubs his eyes again. "Don't follow my example," he mumbles. "I'm a shit role model."

"Yeah, you really are." Liam laughs. "But just because you were awful to me doesn't give me the right to be awful back to you. That's just, like, a horrible cycle to get into, innit?"

"I'd deserve it," Louis says. "I was a shit friend. Probably still am."

"No, Louis, you--" Liam sighs. "You were shit, I mean, there's no denying that. But you're not shit anymore. You're better now."

"I'm trying," Louis whispers. "I want to be, I _need_ to be." He sniffles and swipes under his nose with the back of his hand. "Gotta act like a fucking grown-up and take responsibility, and shit."

"You do, and you are," Liam says in a fierce tone. "I, umm," his voice turns sheepish, "I went back to Niall's, y'know. He just about bit my head off."

"He what?"

"Yeah," Liam chuckles, "he told me all about your sobriety and how hard you'd been working. How you…" Liam's voice cracks a little, "couldn't see Freddie, for a while. God, Lou, if I'd known--"

"Didn't want you to know," Louis mumbles. "I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't even tell my mum." Louis presses his fists against his eyes, but Liam pulls them away. Louis stares down at Liam's hands wrapped around his wrists and tries not to concentrate on how fast his heart is beating.

"But you fixed it. You got better. That's what you were trying to tell me, Lou, and I… I'm sorry I didn't understand. It took a while, y'know, for it to all sink in."

"Not as long as it took me," Louis says with a self-deprecating laugh. "Always told you, you're the smart one."

Liam laughs, his eyes going crinkly and Louis' heart swells with warmth.

"I've missed you so much," Liam says, his voice going soft as they look at each other. "I've missed my best mate."

Louis' smile falters for a moment but he tries his best not to let Liam see it. _Best mate_ echoes in his head. He fights to keep the smile on his face even as his heart twists in pain. He's lost his chance to be anything but Liam's best mate.

"Missed you too," he whispers, smiling even as tears form in his eyes. He's gonna take what he can get; having Liam as his best mate is better than not having him at all.

Liam lets go of his wrists and wraps his arms around Louis in a hug, holding onto him like he's never going to let him go again. Louis clings to him in the same fashion, burying his face against Liam's shoulder as he wills his heart to stop breaking.

 _It's fine,_ he tells himself, _it's better this way._

"We can," Louis says, sniffing loudly when they've loosened their grips on each other. "Y'know, just forget. That other thing."

"What other thing?" Liam asks.

"Y'know," Louis says, darting his eyes away from Liam's and down to the floor as his cheeks heat up. "The, umm, I love you thing."

"Oh, Lou." He sees Liam shake his head out of the corner of his eye, his mouth sinking down into a frown. He looks away and starts to say it's okay, but the words fail him when Liam's hands suddenly cup his face and tilt it upward.

Before Louis can say or even _think_ a single thing, Liam's kissing him.

"I love you too, you absolute idiot," Liam says, laughing against Louis' mouth. "Don't you even dare think about forgetting it."

A grin spreads across Louis' face like wildfire, and he presses his mouth against Liam's and wraps his arms around Liam's neck.

He'll never forget, and he'll never let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr post](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com/post/162464578323/something-that-scares-me-about-love-by-justyrae)


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